Well, the other night I received mail from Nekotu. She read my journal entry for Tuesday/Wednesday. What has been going on has been elaborated. I have best wishes for her. I know what she is going through to a decent extent, I would believe. She rather knows that story.
It also explained why I lacked in receiving emails from CP. I cannot say I anticipated such a thing to happen, but it happens. It makes sense. I am left somewhat numb. I would say apathetic, but that is not true. The whole issue is pushed to the back of my mind. I can tell since the faint feelings I do have linger softly that I am able to notice them. I shall not dwell.
I guess all of that is why I am typing this entry. Put it down, pour out my thoughts, and move on.
Goodbye to You is not completely fitting, due to it being a song and the lyrics are not quite correct for this. Another title that could have been given this is “Endless Waltz”. What can I say? It is fitting to what is going on. I felt cut off before, but now it is somewhat more… final. Do I feel sorrow for it? Not really. I think I might be used to it by now.
During today, I noticed I am now feeling leery about both the girls. It will not surprise me if one of them reads this, but I am not going to limit my ability to get out my thoughts – and perhaps my feelings – into this. After all, what is the point of a journal when you must be careful of what you write?
Due to the lack of Internet for some weeks, I no longer was able to send them things I wrote or drew. It became something the three of us seemed to enjoy doing. I often questioned if I might have been bothering them by constantly showing them my “works”, but they always assured me.
Now, however… I suddenly feel the lack of connection that used to cause me to wish for them to see my things. I was coloring something. I finally had the paint program back, so I decided to test myself to determine how rusty I had become. All the while, I kept thinking that I did not feel the need to show the girls it when done.
I had similar thoughts about the changes, additions and stand alone writings I did whilst the three of us lost the ability to contact each other. When I had been doing said things, I was wishing I could show them. I was wishing I could send them through the Internet. Now though… I do not care to.
CP and Neko are growing up in ways that alienate me from them. It also alienates them from each other, but it does the same for me in different ways as well.
When Neko sent me the email, I responded. I kept indifferent, gave advice she could take heed to or throw away, and wished her luck. It caused me to recollect how if I were younger I would have told her how I felt, been in inner turmoil and such. She was experiencing that already though; therefore, I skipped all of that.
One, my feelings are muted. It seems over time I am not longer so emotional like I was when younger. I do not know what to think of that. Anyway, two, we were talking about her; therefore, it would stay on her. Three, I am her friend. When I take on the role of the friend, I intend to stick with it. I am stubborn and perhaps loyal. It can hurt, but I make myself a promise. I tell myself I will always be there for whatever friend. I intend to keep that true.
One word came to mind through all of this.

Forgotten.

It made me smile faintly when it popped into my mind. It is the most glaring thought out of all of this. The infamous story was first titled that. It had many issues I had undergone. Now such issues seem to be rising again. Happily, though, this time I am no longer affected intensely. I still do not know if that is a good sign or not, but I am content emotionally nonetheless.
I guess I just knew it would end up all the same. Like with the previous twins I knew, a pipe dream was formed. I knew do to the fact that it was dreamt up by three people, there was even less likelihood of it occuring. Once one member pulls out, the dream is already changed. Once both are gone, then the dream has no chance to take flight at all.Despite that, it was a beautiful dream. There is nothing wrong with dreaming.
Usually the song “Shimmer” would always come along whenever these sorts of scenarios occur. Instead, a different song entered my mind. I guess it is because it is no longer so painful a thing.
Well, those are my main thoughts. If Neko or CP read this, all I can say is our overused phrase.

I am sorry.

I could elaborate as to what the apology is for, but I can say that it is not regret for how I feel.

Mom got back tonight around nine. We now have Moki and Cleo in the house. They seem to be taking to the place just fine.
I recieved another email from Erin. I really do not know what to say to her as of late. I guess I am just sort of out of my “groove”… That word just sounds wrong with me.
Anyway, I also got the shoes my mother ordered for me. She kept saying I needed better shoes. Meh.
My reading high is over. Internet is still non-existent on my computer. I drew a few pictures… my hands do not seem to have the flow necessary though. I just cannot draw to my liking at the moment. Hopefully my abilities will come back at some point.
On Friday I will be seeing Mrs. Wynn. I really have no idea what I’d really say to her. Also, I think my dad is coming down then as well. If I am wrong, then he will likely be here on Saturday then.
I guess that is all I have on mind. Hah.

My mom left for a meeting and will be back tomorrow night.
The cable guy from Time Warner came to look at the Internet issue. There was no luck. Instead, another problem is added to the computer.
My glasses needed fixing and we ended up getting new ones all together.
I got an email from Erin.
Life is… not allowing my mind to work at its… “better times”.

I cannot think of much to write. I still have not an Internet connection on my computer. My father left on Monday. I saw my therapist on Monday. I had been late by about twenty minutes. Bad me.
I’m slowly starting to get a feel for the house. I still forget about certain chores since my previous routine was screwed over.
The fence has been in the process of being replaced. It took about three to four days. I was not really keeping count. Either way, it was finally completed today.
There are other tid bits I could mention, but that seems just plain silly right now. I am merely doing an update do this thing has an update. Bleh.
Oh yeah… ever known of a bathroom with TV remote controls in it even though a television is not in there? I found it amusing when I saw them.

Meh. My brother and father have been being quiet pains. Instead of letting me consult Leeker on the issue, they dove right in and got lost in the artic under the ice. Heh. I have the internet back on my computer, but I am still using the home base. Why? The connection to this one is so pitiful it is still of no use to me. On rare occasions through much waiting, a page will load, but other than that… Well, there is not much other. It is pretty useless.
My father sighed and demanded “It is fixed though, isn’t it?”
Well, yes. If you mean that the Internet is running again, then yes.
“Then what is the problem?”
The computer. I do not know how to explain it to you, but the Internet was not the complete issue. He is exasperated. Heh. The men in my life.
In the end, it is still rendered helpless. I am sure it is croaking at times. Poor sucker. For now, it will simply be a music player and something I can type in. Yes, that is what the poor machine is rendered to – a music player and a type writer that cannot even print onto paper. Heh.
Well, I can watch media I have stored on the computer still, but I mainly watched things from a place called “Youtube” on the Internet. Such joy.
Some of me wonders if I should just revert to such simplicities. No longer surf the net, no longer do art on the computer, no longer read various fiction of my interests, no longer having information at my finger tips, no longer chat with the few people I know that happened to be the only connection I seriously have with other people, etcetera. Dramatic, yes? Well… that is how I do things. It is my day.
Do art by hand. I do, but I enjoy coloring it via computer. It is brighter, crisper, and less likely to mess up.
Read a book. I do, but I have already read all of my books and usually require the Internet to get new ones as well as find said books because it is there am I able to find ones that actually interest me.
Go to a library and look up the information. Some things from books just do not hold the same insight.
Find REAL people to chat with. I am new to a town, I do not go to school, I do not have a job. How am I to meet people? Even with a job, how likely will I make friends? It is very little in likelihood. My brother has been here two years and he still does not have a person he can call a friend here.
The list can go on. That is my life? In an nutshell… I suppose. That is pathetic? Maybe so.
What can be said… this is rather numbing.

My Internet connection is dead. Simply put, that sucks. I’m on a wireless port. For some reason such is not working. I’ve tried, my brother has tried and so has my father. I am rendered useless for the most part. Yeah, I have the internet on the main computer, but is not on MY computer. Therefore, most of the things I do are not available. Sigh. Oh well. I lost my ability to do CG art, why not this too? Geez…
Other than that, my wrist is doing better, I’ve been sleeping a lot – my mom thinks it is all of the stress we went through last week catching up to me – but it is toning down now…
Bah… I cannot think of anything else. That is all!

My mind is finally giving into my body. I’ve been sleeping more. Yesterday I fell asleep probably around five or so. I awoke around nine, I think, and stayed up until about twelve and went to bed. I did not wake again until twelve to one the next day. After a while my mother deemed me unable to do more unpacking since I looked out of it and I broke something. In addition I sprained my right wrist. Oi.
I fell asleep after finally eating today around five. Before hitting the bed I met one of our neighbors. He seems nice. He’s brought over two plates of cookies too. The baker of them rocks. Anyway, I woke up again just recently.
Some point this week will be put to painting my brother and my rooms.
I just thought I’d write this.