Shaughnessey died this morning.

Sigh… Things are getting tiresome again. Then again, I am doing things for practical, rational reasons rather than for what I’d rather. You must do that in life. My mom is worried though. Why? Well, I’ve been pulling my hair out. For a while I’ve been wondering about life and death and what the whole point of living is… blah… blah… What does life matter? Do I care if I die? Not really… blah… blah.
Then today I considered whether to tell her about wanting to cut again. Normally I wouldn’t. Why? Because I think not a damn thing will come from such thoughts, and if something does, I likely won’t care. I told her though. Why? – because of obligation. She would want to know. That, and I figure it would take some explaining if I do end up losing control and do something. Might as well give her the precaution she’d rather have. Peh.
She wonders if I should cut down on my volunteering or eventually just stop. I tell her that it is not necessary. She is torn because, well, my things acted up again not long after I started. I tell her, do I like the job? I don’t think so, but I don’t HATE it. Thus, I don’t mind doing it. It is like school to me again, just not all of the stress: Struggle to get up, go, do work, leave, struggle to stay awake for the rest of the day and then go to sleep if able to. For some reason they (my mom and the therapist) hope that I’ll find something that gives me a feeling of accomplishment, enjoyment or something. I more or less look at them blankly.
Again, I don’t really care. I’m not the sort who aspires for things. I doubt I ever have been. I don’t have goals. I’m sorry that troubles them, but I’m just dandy with that. I guess they are worried that I have no strive for life. I guess I don’t, but just because I don’t, it does not mean I lack the will to live. I merely lack in seeing the point… hum… maybe I just now proved something in regards to what they are worried about.
Then again, I am merely thinking that is what they believe merely due to observation. I could be wrong.
I will say this, from observations on what I have noticed in my “mood” is that I am now wishing to just hide out in my room more. I don’t want to leave my room to watch television shows with my mother anymore, but go merely because I’d hate to stop watching them. Does that sound contradictory? Yes. I like the shows, but I simply do not wish to “waste” time on them. What sort of time am I letting it waste then? Things most people would consider wasting time.
What is that then? It is reading, writing, researching, listening to music, getting things that I wish to get done and yet no longer have the time to. Basically, it is what I consider alone time. I’m a loner. I need little interaction. I’d like it better if I did not have to deal with the people at my “job”.
I could be just fine scanning in the books and putting them up alone. I could do that nonstop. It preoccupies my head and that is all I need in terms of functioning at a job. The problem is, I need some people skills or something. I need experience. Do I give a damn? Not particularly, but obviously some since I have considered it intellectually.
As mentioned, my mom questions if I should cut down on my days. I argue. Why? I would not mind, but “moral” wise, I am against it. I obviously do a great deal in there. To suddenly cut down would be unfair to the lady I help. It would be like a worker suddenly telling the employer he or she is quitting without a notice before hand – or at least, that is my take. That goes along with the whole dropping the job if it just does not work. I started. I will continue unless something drastic happens that knocks me upside the head. I am a person of obligation.
Shouldn’t the sudden apathy about life, the hair pulling, frustration, annoyance and consideration of cutting be drastic signs? For me it is not. For my mom it is yes. I am pretty indifferent about most things. The hair pulling feels good. The frustration and annoyance is a bother, but it is tolerating… everyone feels that stuff. The cutting is just considered for now. It is not like I intend to kill myself. I just want to break the skin.
Ah… and the whole cutting thing… it occurred while at “work”. I had an impulse. I was rational enough not to. One, I did not have scissors or a knife of my own. Two, I would not use the scissors on the desk – I think that would be disrespectful. Three, it is an elementary school – can’t do that with little kids around. I had considered about doing it at home, but was a bit against it because my mom would notice eventually. The other reason was that I was too bloody tired to really think of such when I was home.
Sigh. Well, that is the update pretty much. The point of writing this… is just to get out something. I mean, what do they want from me? Jeez… I’m fine, or I was fine. Either way, I am not going all suicidal on them and I am trying to work my way into being able to live like one of the “normal” people. I am trying to go out into the world and all of that shit. They are worried for me. Well I am trying, damn it! Now they are worried for me in a different way. Jeez… I’m sorry that both sides of the coin are not dandy for you, but I am just this way.
Huh…
Ah… right. This is why I am writing this. I am getting frustrated about doing things for them and just fucking it up or something. Yeah, rationally I am making it a bigger deal and perhaps my mind is presenting it in a twisted form. Well, I cannot change that. It is just… damn annoying.
I try, but… damn it… No matter what I do… Jeez…
I’m getting off. I’m venting now. Hah…

I’m tired, it is hot and I cannot fall asleep. My dad came down on Friday. Saturday my mother came home not long after my dad and I got groceries. She was crying. Her dog, Shawnie, might have cancer. If he does, he will not last much longer. He will likely be put down if the results are positive.
I’m rather numb on the whole thing. I don’t really bond with dogs. I mainly felt for my mom. When my father and brother talked about the idea of what to do about getting a new dog, however, I told them that Shawnie was not dead yet and they should not be talking about such.
Sigh.
At “work” I still get morning headaches. The whole job makes me feel misplaced and isolated. That is to be expected though. The school is for those under puberty. Sometimes I cannot understand what they say. Some ask questions I cannot answer. Some just irk me some. They are okay… but… Meh.
The teachers are mainly mothers and any other volunteer is a parent. They talk about their kids and identify each other by said kid. They speak of such, and while intellectually, I understand, but practicality in me says things a parent would consider wrong. I feel more uncofortable with them than the kids.
Other than that, I do my job and then go home at 1:30. Sleep is still an irritation. Yeah, I am sleeping at night, manage to function well enough at the “job” and get home safely… but… Damn…
Sigh.
That is life. Go along with it, deal, and go to bed. Complain, sigh, and then hide off to recuperate. Bah.
My head hurts.

I’ve gone a whole week for volunteering. A schedule has been made up. All school days, minus Thursday, I go from 8-1:30. Do I like it? I don’t know. Do I hate it? No. I guess it will continue onwards. I’ve managed to wake up and stay up each day there. I seem to get headaches around 9 though. I wonder if that will continue to be consistent? Well, when the day is over I then walk home.
I would usually stay up for a short time, maybe get some food in me and then crash. I’d sleep until around four or five and then continue on the day until I deemed it time to try to sleep again. It is annoying. I finally had been able to get decent sleep after so many years and now it is back to square one.
This weekend I crashed. I mean I CRASHED. I slept all day yesterday. I slept last night. I got up slightly less than an hour ago. Rather reminds me of my middle school days. Oh, well. It is frustrating though.
Well… anyway…
Tomorrow I will be seeing the denist. I think something is happening on the 20th, but I am not certain. Perhaps I am wrong on that.
I have nothing else that comes to mind.

I went, I did, and I left. I walked home, was parched, guzzled two sodas and crashed. I got up four hours later and saw the therapist. How was my day? I survived.
I would have thought I would have written more, since it is my first volunteer day. No. No, I am not in the mood. Do I like it? Well, I do not hate it. Might I come to like it once I get settled? Here is hoping. So I will be going back? Sadly, yes. That does not sound too hopeful. Of course not.
I hope it gets better.

I just got back from a small meeting. I was roused by slumber by my father. He told me I was to have a meeting with the school I had considered volunteering at. Simply put, I was surprised. It was out of the blue, after all. Me being me, I easily got ready in just some few minutes and waited slightly less than half an hour for my mom to come along.
The case was that my mother never had time to call them back on the volunteer thing until today. She called and they set up a meeting. Therefore, this was just as surprising for my mom likely.
She came, we left and entered into a very crowded parking lot. School was let out or something. We were led to the library. I met the librarian. We talked some, she told us what she did, mentioned things I recollected doing as a child, and introduced us to some of her family members who were students of the facility.
Things went well, we believe. I’ll be starting on Monday morning. The schedule decided on by my mother and I is to go all the times there is openings. One day is covered completely, therefore I will skip that day. I will be taking half of Monday during the morning half, all of Tuesday and Wednesday and the morning half of Friday if all things work out. If this does work, maybe I’ll be able to keep a “forced” sleep schedule. Scary.
Anyway, I am still somewhat out of it. As said, my father woke me from a nap. It was around 2:30, I believe. I had gone to sleep a few hours earlier. Before that I had been up since nine the previous night after recieving three hours of sleep due to taking a nap starting at six. Therefore, I am still trying to “wake up” or something.
Things that have gone on this week… my Father arrived here on Saturday. On Labor Day, my relatives came over. We ate dinner together and my sister dragged me off with her to look at furnishings. She bought some things from Pier 1 Imports. We came back home and I ended up crashing. By the time I woke everyone had left. The rest of the week is a blur more or less.
Other things… My father will likely be leaving this Sunday. As said, I’ll start my first day as a volunteer here. I will later see Cindy in the afternoon. On Monday the 18th I had a dental appointment. If there is anything else I need to jot down as a rweminder, I cannot think of it.

I am sleeping too much. Evil.

Oh, and I helped my mom strip off wallpaper. It was sort of fun actually. Sadly I started to get dizzy, which resulted in headaches later.

Um… yeah. That is likely it.

Labor day will bring family members. Ehhh…

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I guess I read a book of 500 or so pages in a day, or a day in a half. It is hard to tell at the moment, but seeing this, I can only assume it took around that long. Then again I skipped more tedious parts.
Why? It was a story written in 1869. The style back then was to fill half the book up with the story and the other half with bouts of philosophies and silly knowledge that has no relevance whatsoever. Of course, such a form of writing would be considered incorrect these days, and yet it manages to be a great literary work. How silly.
Still, I admit, it was rather good. It also gave sight that if you read to the end, yet made sure not to read the last chapter, you would result in the happier of endings. Read the last chapter, you will have a tragedy. How quaint, no? Heh. Therefore, I took both. I already knew the ending and knew I could spare myself the tragedy by stopping at the second to last chapter… but do I? Of course not. I am one for tragedy. I think my few writings have shown such. It was a nice read, despite tedious at some moment.
I laughed to my mother, the way it was written was similar to how my mind flitted about when younger – I was not medicated. I found great humor in that at the time. I still find it calmingly amusing now.
I was drawn to it, of course, by the infamous character that is lead in that blasphemous story that is finished and yet likely never shall be. Sadly, I lack the great philosophy in regards to how the book went, but then again I wrote my story of different leverage. I guess that shows more of a relief, despite the bit of discomfort. I lack in politics. My mind is unable to comprehend such things. I can follow if told and perhaps get the gist, but… oh hell. Why am I trying to explain something that I alone will understand considering this is a journal? Ha! I’m a clod.
Either way, no matter how I try such a thing as politics in the setting I have chosen are quite foggy. I cannot help it. One cannot write what one does not fully understand or knows. Therefore, the issues of ruling and those other lovely things are simple embellishments littered here and there just so it is known that things are taking place around the character, but they do not particularity deal with said character. Then again, I am not writing the story for social and political enlightenment.
No, the main cause was merely due to a similiarity the two main characters (the literary and the amatuer). The main character of the literary work had a disfigurement. My character did not quite have a disfigurement of such extreme and yet at the same time did. They both had similiar rankings and in a sense similiar origins. Their purposes… different. The characters they interact with… different. I guess I was seeing if there were any real similiarities.
I have done the same before. I read a book written in 1910. There were vague similiarities. Happily, after reading the work, I found not many things were similiar despite there were certain areas of slight relations. Miniscule, but still noticeable.
It seems that whenever I come across something that looks like it could be of similiarity to my story, I read it to assure myself that the text is not terribly close to how my story goes. That would be utterly depressing. I have seen many things that will be automatically be catagorized under a more famous title. Some would say, oh it is a modern/alternative take on _____ (fill in the blank of some well known title.) That would be too depressing if the same went with my story.
Then again, I can already see it being compared to famous stories. I stumbled upon such stories! I noticed, I read and I compared. For me, I find faint relief when I see only the same sort of premise and yet not completely. At the same time, it is a bit disheartening to find since that small thing will tie it under a catagory of some well known work.
The first contender I ever worried of was the fairy tale “Beauty and the Beast”. The beginning of the story seems similiar to the story I have noticed. Over time though, that soon ends once it has come to somewhere between pages 60 to 90 in the form of WindWord pages. After that it drifts into something different from that happy fable. Sigh…
Well, my head feels weird. Nothing new, it is… but lately weird, strange, et cetera is what has become of my head. I seem to have fogs, dull headaches, fatigue and still I have been sleeping far too much. It is burdensome and I am beginning to feel much a sloth due to it. Yes, yes… I get my chores done, but once they are concluded again I collapse onto my bed and slumber ridiculous amounts. How pathetic. It is amazing I woke up enough intervals to read that blasted story. Then again, how much of it have I retained to the point of keeping it in a clear sighting of mind? Not well, not well.
I really should lay down and sleep I suppose. I am quite aware that I am rambling through keys and have not strayed too far from the comment of how the writer of said text I mentioned to have read recently tends to daddle tediously into some topic that has no reason to be there whatsoever. Then again, this is a journal and I am a chestnut.
Though, yes… I have reason to be tired now, I guess. I went out to get groceries and such hub-bub. I was nutty at that time as well, but it was much fun. I had gotten a jacket whilst my mother and I looked for shirts to give my father. It was in the mid 90’s and I plunked that jacket over my shoulders and slid my arms through the sleeves. I was going around in long khaki pants, a t-shirt, a jacket on top of that and sandals! I loved the nonsense and my mother likely thought me mad. It was a bit hot, but I was just dandy.
Okay… I am out of it.
Sort of.
Notes? My dad is coming down tomorrow. My eldest brother, his girlfriend, my “aunt”, my other “aunt” and possibly the son of the “other aunt” yet also brother of the “aunt” shall come. How complicated! I love my need to keep names out of things. It makes it all the more confusing! Yet, I know. I know!
Damn. I’m becoming far too loopy. Yes. I must be off. Off!

Sleeping like a normal person is trying and likely induces insanity! I was out of it from Friday to this morning. even after this morning I fell asleep again and did not wake up until one in the afternoon. I still feel tired for some reason.
I did get some things done today, though, like take off wallpaper for my mom. She was complaining about it, so I figured I’d give it a try even though I did not really know how to. Eitherway, I got it right enough that my mom did not find anything to be chided on. I did get dizzy at some point and stopped in case I were to keel over and fall head first into the tile flooring. I certainly cleaned my pores out, I am sure. I never knew that simply taking off paper would work up such a sweat. Oh well.
I did that and figured I likely needed some food since I had been sleeping so much the past few days, thus lack of much food intake… in fact during the morning I had weighed myself before I ended up in bed once more. I was about four pounds under my usual weight. Well, I fixed that in a jiff.
I think I had a mild headache, according to what I have come to understand what a form of headache can feel like. Yes, I am that dense. I cannot rell what a headache is. I’m very black and white in my thinking sometimes. I expected a headache to be one feeling – the head feels like it is being split open by a hammer. ‘Guess I was wrong. I blame it on the media. Heh.
Oh, and it seems that my “Aunts” are coming down here for Labor Day. Huh. My dad and brother will likely be coming down then as well.
That is all, my head is still bothering me too much.

The attempt to sleep like normal people is failing. Today I crashed. I managed to get up at 9:30, but I was feeling so tired and my head was bothering me so much I gave into laying down. I slept all day for the most part. Jeez.
My eldest brother and his girlfriend visisted today, thus I rarely saw them. My dad is going back tomorrow. My second brother is coming back tomorrow. I’ll be able to get into routine in terms of cleaning.
Also… I hate to say it… but I think I am starting to feel something akin to jealousy or discarded. Silly, I know, but… well, it is happening. I have been seeing these certain pictures at a place I check into on the web. The dates on the pictures are not that far away from the day I see them. I seem to be discouraged and it has not even been two months yet, but… There is a difference this time. I know what the difference is as well.
Oh well.
I have some things to do now, so I guess that is all.