While I was eating soup this morning I came to the thought of how I took to school when younger. I had managed to complete my junior and senior years in two months and a half. I was not driven to graduate early. I was not some genius who was able to skip years of school. I just wanted it over with. The same would have been for college. I did not want to do it. It was considered a necessity if one wished to get somewhere in life. I intended to go through it like I did with the preliminary schooling. I think I finally came down to the fact that I was utterly miserable, only did things out of obligation and no longer could handle that anymore. I was becoming utterly sick of the whole thing. Back then I remember times I would wonder what life really was. It was all clockwork and would remain clockwork until the batteries died down. That depressed me.
It does not now. I think I am still in apathy about things. What came to me though was… If I ever get back out into the world again, it will likely be the same things all over again. I’d do what I have to do, push on, and hope for it to be done… Just like school. Only, this will be even longer. This will be… Working until I finally die perhaps.
My mom was in the room at that time. I felt like telling her these thoughts, but she was doing her prayers. Eventually that led to her reading and holding a religious figurine. I thought of asking her if she enjoyed doing what she did. Despite the times of tiredness and the days that are bad… Did she enjoy working? Did she enjoy what her life was like? I remained silent though because I never wish to interrupt others. I believe that was a sort of fault when I recollect how I would leave Kyle in a classroom whilst he was talking to someone and I decided to go.
Anyway, I could not contain all of these thoughts while waiting on my mother to finish. By then I’d likely forget all I wanted to say and remember. Therefore I rose and made a beeline for here to type this down.
I like my life right now. That is something I had never said before in my past. When I was little, when I was in elementary, when I was in middle school, high school, and college… I do not believe I ever uttered or wrote those words before. Now I am. How long will it last though? Perhaps I am being selfish. I wonder if I am lazy. My sister is working her way through college. My brother has a job. My parents both work hard. I merely stay home and look after the house. I sleep my own hours, eat on my own terms, and clean the house on my own time. That is a damn good life. I will not deny that. I am content with it.
The problem is… I still consider obligations. I still consider how I “should” live. I “should” go to college, or I “should” get a job outside the home. I am sure I could. I just wonder how long I’d go when it comes to that round. I know college did not last that long, but then again it was pretty much the same as my preliminary schooling. Well, I have not had a job yet, so I do not know if it will turn out. If the future does end up with me working at a job and I find myself reacting to it as I have done with other things that are “required”… Then my future will be a bleak one. It would likely depress me too.