Highlights I Suppose:

1. CP and Neko had been missing for three days. I finally got word from them on Monday. Thank god. Problems with family and college are what they are enduring. I can understand that really. That was how it was for me last year and perhaps the year before that. With their luck though, it would be an exemplified version. Let us hope not.
2. I really want to see The Corpse Bride. However, one there is no movie theatre here I believe any of us would go to. I have seen one, but it seems my brother does not go to it, so it must be bad or something. Secondly, I made a promise with CP. As for the last reason, I rarely get to see movies in theatres. Gah!
3. My sleeping has been more jumbled again and I am sleeping far too much once more. Still though, my sleep all is prominent through the day. Thus, I am usually up at night. Ah, diurnal unconsciousness is such fun.
4. I did a small update to my site. I could do many, but it is all about pacing. Kyle would be a prime example of what happens to a website when it is not updated or cared for regularly.
5. I talked to Kyle Sunday night. It was a good night. It had been a while since we had a conversation that was not in long silent gaps.
6. I seem to be accumulating music quicker than I usually would. The music-email trend is to be the cause. I will need to ask Kyle if he has any Chopin.
7. I still have yet to figure out how to make my Languages and Character Encoding work with certain language characters like Japanese and Chinese. Ah, my feeble intelligence… well, I hope that I will figure it out some day. If I fail, it is not the end of the world. I just hate seeing a million question marks.
8. I worked on trying to remember some of my poems and searched everything I have ever “owned” net wise and had physical material wise. I accumulated more after my brain and resourcefulness finally kicked in. If only I had been more diligent about posting my stories. I am only missing about five poems now. Sigh. Well, I saved my poems in three places. I hope that I will not lose them again… but knowing me, I likely will. I suppose I will post them on here for safe keeping as well.

The poems were written from when I was thirteen up to seventeen. Some were personal feelings, others were memories and some were for stories I wrote.

Ecstatic

I want you to know
I am happy for you
I wish nothing more
Than that you stay the same

It is easier to be not wise
To know things that are lies
I hope you are happy
Locked within your own blindness

It is easier to be great
To be and imitate
I hope you are happy
To never give me any kindness

Why do you do this to me?
What is it I have done to you? And
Do you know that what you can’t see
Always brings me to the end?

I hope you cry
You should whine
You ought to wail
While I’m still here

I’m still here as a reminder
Of all the pain you gave to me
I hope you are happy
My dear pain giver

Do you still want to destroy my tender heart until it shatters?
I hope when I give out my rage and pain you scream.
You know I’m broken and am an array of jagged matter.

That you can see it… My rage is what you see,
That you can feel my pain, which is an endless sea…
That you can taste my anger that echoes into eternity.
That you can live it… My scars that are buried deep in me.
That you can know the burden that you will forever be.

And that you scream when you are plagued with it.
Do you still want to open this deep wound of mine?
You have no right to show me contempt.

I thought you should know
That I pity you
I want nothing more
Than for you to be the same

I leave you to your lies
To let another one cry
I hope you will be happy
Still left in your blindness

I leave you to think you’re wonderful
To let you hurt others
I hope you will be happy
Finding out no one will again trust you

When you do this to me
When I have done nothing to you. And
You will never see
You bring yourself to your own end

I won’t fade
In your mind I’ll stay
I’ll scar your mind
Till it won’t be the same

I’m still here as a reminder
Of all the pain you gave to me
I hope you are happy
My dear pain giver

Do you still want to condemn me since I am not like you?
I hope when I give out my rage and pain you scream.
The cry will never amount to what I’ve gone through.

That you can see it… My rage is what you see,
That you can feel my pain, which is an endless sea…
That you can taste my anger that echoes into eternity.
That you can live it… My scars that are buried deep in me.
That you can know the burden that you will forever be.

And that you scream when you are plagued with it.
Do you still want to make cry this heart of mine?
I hope you are happy with the crimes you commit.

Reminisce

Distinctly I remember, many years ago,
Of an antisocial student who was known as Joe.
He was always contemplating and created great illusions in his head.
He buried himself in a fascinating world, constantly leaving the world he dreaded.
His complex life was incomprehensible for his father to understand.
Children irked Joe’s mother, so she never gave him a friendly hand.

In his own world, Joe was brilliant, sophisticated and cool; no one dared to push him down.
Generally, if anyone did, he’d force his or her smile into a frown.
Clearly, I remember that assertive boy;
He always buried himself in extra curriculums or played with his computer toys.
Apparently, the football team picked on him, annoying him persistently.
He was never granted peace. All that he was given was torment poured on vigorously.
Ironically, all they did was unleashed a fierce tiger.
In return for their confiscating his esteem, he let them see his internal fire.

Joe’s father never investigated or could see his son’s stepmother despised the boy enthusiastically.
She flourished the boy with belittling, lies full of venom and cruelty.
To the world he was a wicked boy, but inside he was deteriorating.
No one ever liked him; the thought of being his friend was degrading.
Joe never talked in class before; no one ever conceived of him doing that!
All he ever did was draw or read in class.

He was just the weird kid who kids got their twisted pleasure from.
Now everyone wishes they hadn’t been so quick with their predilections.
Now, we all try to eradicate that day from our memory,
But all we can do is reminisce in our guilt and stupidity.
No one will ever forget that day.
That is the price we’ll eternally pay.




Mask

I wear a mask of glass…

Every time when you look at me
What you believe who I am
Is not he person I am
You will probably never know me…

I can deceive the eye, everyone
And everything except for my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

All the time, day in and day out
I am just a character to play as I go about
I wear a million masks, but none of them is I
My true self is marked out

I can deceive the eye, everyone
And everything except for my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

What has become of me?
A stranger is all that I see…
Why am I so lost inside?
Is that what is to forever be

Will they ever accept me for who I am?
And not turn down my shattered heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Here I am now in a world…
Where my ways are not aloud
And my heart… Is imprisoned
But someday… I will be free, some how

Will they ever accept me for who I am?
And not turn down my shattered heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

What has become of me?
A stranger is all that I see…
Why is what I see is someone I do not know?
What can unlock my true self- what is the key?

Will I ever free my locked up soul
And my caged up heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Will I forever practice the art of illusion?
Why I do this, it is my biggest confusion
Will I be some one else for all time?
Finding a way to be myself is now my only resolution

Will I ever free my locked up soul
And my caged up heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Why can we not be ourselves and simply reveal?
Every thought and all the things that we truly feel
Must there always be a hidden, always be a secret me
That will forever be concealed?

Some day my heart will be free
And I will be loved for what is in my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

I do not want to be forced to hide
I will not pretend and I will not lie
One day, some how I will not be concealed
And show whom I am inside

Some day my heart will be free
And I will be loved for what is in my heart

I will escape from this mask of glass.

Chamber

I’m filled with pain and lingering feelings
That I paint on my walls and ceilings.

Dreams and nightmares, hopes to be dead
Linger like worms upon my cold hard bed.

Despair and misery, can’t go anymore
So shut and lock and bolt the door.





Key

I don’t know what world I came from
Deep in my heart sleeps a dream
In the night is a sweet lullaby
That has a way to comfort me.

All I know now is that everything is a blur
Will you come now and show me what I am for?

As the moon ascends to the sky
Resting in me is a mystery
Somewhere I know surely
Within me is the key

I just don’t know what I am to do now
Why I am here… Could you show me how?

This serene feeling in my spirit
What is its name please tell me
Why I am here I do not know
But one day it’ll come eventually.





Come

Come toward me
So I won’t be lost in the distance.
The only light I see is you.
Let there be no more pain.
Here memories die and fade.

I am so alone and empty.
Stay with me, entity I’ve waited for

I give you all the stars and dreams
Like the rain you wash away all fears
My dear I plead for all your love.

Come toward me
So I won’t be lost in the distance.
The only light I see is you.
Let there be no more pain.
Here memories die and fade.

I am so alone
But with you I’m not empty.





Fragile

I know all too well
How to appear to be stable,
After all those years,
All feeling is indefinable

Certainly there is something
I want you to see,
Surely there are many expressions
I want you to heed.

Look into me and see what I feel
When I laugh and when I ache.
Maybe then I’ll stop being the person
Who just simply sits and waits.

Perhaps I’ll make the most of it,
Because I know you’ll be by my side,
Perhaps I might make it out of here
When I feel strong enough inside.

But for now my fragile feelings
Can only hope to reach you eventually.

Vulnerable

Do not want to cry
But that is all a lie
Do not want to feel
Just want to escape all that’s real

All I feel is shame
Living in this game
Letting things get to me
Eating away at me

Stronger now am I
From things that haven’t made me die
Push your tears away
This is a price to pay

Hello, pain, my friend
Will this never end?
I just don’t know why
People make me cry

Just leave me alone
Hidden in my home
Afraid of hurt being sent
Don’t want to be the strong one again

Falling down again
I will never win
Another road has turned
Lessons will be learned

Hanging

Please take my soul
And then never let me see it again
Just crush my spirit
Until I will never heal in the end

I am just a cell
That holds this havoc and pain in
So I ask you to destroy me
To the point I crash and burn

I can’t escape…
I am unable to flee these chains
Take all my hope now
Crush it until it doesn’t look mundane

Let me just hang here
And die watching the universe spiral away
Now leave me…Deceive me,
And don’t let me see the light of day

Saying

Hear what I am not saying
Do not listen to these lies
I want you to look deeper
For the truth hidden
Far within my eyes

When I say it is nothing
Do not listen to those words I say
What I am really asking
Is for you to hold me
For that is what I pray

Please, will you hear-
What I am not saying…

If I were to ask you
Not to pay me any kind of mind
What I am really saying
Is that I need you
To be understanding and kind

Remember that time I asked you
Not to look at me
The thing I really wanted to say
Was please see my tears
The ones that are locked in me

Please, will you hear-
What I am not saying…

When I say that I do not matter,
That you should not care
What I am truly saying
Is, please, will you
Forever always be there

All I ask of you is please hear
What I am not saying.

Chains

I have been weaved
Closely into your grasp
It leaves me unable to forget you,
Or of the moments we shared last
I know now of the things
I could never see
I had no point of running
Unless you were with me

Just I alone made half the distance,
But you held me back again
I would feel the cold chill
One that led me back to suffering
But I could feel freedom,
Those brief moments of soaring
Until once again I was beaten down
To the past I want to leave
You made it half the distance
Towards your goal
But it was a waste of time,
I held you behind once again

My shackles that hold me
Back from soaring, you are
The many chains that twist
About you, I am
You hold me back,
Leashing me to my cell;
I can’t leave you behind
This is our fate,
This endless waltz?
I’ll break through for your sake;
That will be my destiny

I am a slave with
In your scheme of clinging
Forever keeping you
In my embrace of friendship
Take your pieces
Of remembrance of me and leave me
You don’t need me to keep you alive;
I don’t need you to guide me
You are my troubles
That is why it followed me so easily

We’ve gone only half
The distance together
We’ve only gone one-fourth
The distance alone
We can’t go through together,
We’d be back to the cell once more
You’d hold me back;
I’d keep you down
This is our end, leave me now,
We have different paths

Don’t

Do not come here anymore.
Do not enter forevermore.
The unknown is impossible
Those feats are too hard, you are too low
It is better safe than to be sorry
Don’t fear what you don’t know

Crushes are bittersweet
Those feelings can make you fall
That’s why they are called “Crushes”.
Don’t let them leave you empty, stand up tall

Little things mean nothing
I used to think they were
They aren’t insignificant
Don’t let them fade into a blur

There is a threat commonly said
If you move you will surely die
I am dead and yet I can move
Don’t let what you have pass you by

Broken

Let me lie
With in my cell.
I hear the memories
Of lost yesterdays.
I am empty and lifeless
As if I were a doll.

Let me die here
For it was so long ago when I fell.
I burn in this autumn whirl,
This is the price I pay.
I am shattered and my empty eyes
Can shed no more tears.

Let the blood and pain
Sting my very soul.
I will be devoured by it
Along with my shattered heart.
I am suspended up
In this web of pain.

Let the shadows surround and take over
Leaving me alone and cold.
I hang being strung within
These illusions of iron wraps.
I am trapped within this black chamber
Created from my own despair.

Let me be locked
And let me be bound.
I sink clutched within
The web of my own melancholy.
I am as free as a blind bird
With broken wings trapped in a cage.

Let me be killed
And let it be slow and painful.
I want to feel this misery
As I am taken farther into the numbness.
I am broken
What hope do I have left?

People

People make me feel like an imbecile.
A person comes from a group of people.
And that one person makes me feel imprudent.
I myself am a person.
Therefore, I make myself feel unintelligent.
However…
It coming from myself has twice the impact…
Because my own view of myself triggers disgust
in my own self.
And my being seems useless and pointless.
Then there is the emptiness.

Song of Me

Everything is rotting
Into nothing more

The soul is always crying
Tears upon the floor

So maybe I’m just dying
Like a festering sore

Maybe I’m just lying
Lost within this horror

‘Cause everything is rotting
Into nothing more

And everything is dying
As I lie on this floor…

Leave

Pain: My comrade
Nagging all through day
I drowned in its glow
Wishing for darkness on my way

Loneliness: Companion
Sits with me by and by
As I lay with endless thoughts
As the stars disappear in the sky

Depression: My friend
Whom I know so well
I looked her in the eye
Wishing she’d just go to HELL

Beautiful

Forced down and tortured
I am locked to despair
Time goes slowly to me
Murmurs of the past
Spin ’round in the air
I am blind
This blackness is beautiful

I cannot take this place
Locked within these chains
I cannot feel,
Nor do I know my face
Locked here chained to fate

I have a hunger for change
I starve for some sort of truth
But having hope feels strange
I’m lost watching everything move

I have these impossible dreams
Vague illusions of the late night
That once I could hold it seemed
I held the sun, the moon, the skies

But those are illusions that die
Lost dreams that bleed in my soul
This lacking feeling leaves me empty inside
And there is nothing, but a deep hole

My life is shredded to nothing
And my heart is blended to a mess
My soul is ashes but its still burning
My mind is washed by madness

Forced down and tortured
I am locked to despair
Time goes slowly to me
Murmurs of the past
Spin ’round in the air
I’m blind
This blackness is beautiful

Beautiful…

Beautiful…

I am blind
And this blackness is beautiful to me