Well, the other night I received mail from Nekotu. She read my journal entry for Tuesday/Wednesday. What has been going on has been elaborated. I have best wishes for her. I know what she is going through to a decent extent, I would believe. She rather knows that story.
It also explained why I lacked in receiving emails from CP. I cannot say I anticipated such a thing to happen, but it happens. It makes sense. I am left somewhat numb. I would say apathetic, but that is not true. The whole issue is pushed to the back of my mind. I can tell since the faint feelings I do have linger softly that I am able to notice them. I shall not dwell.
I guess all of that is why I am typing this entry. Put it down, pour out my thoughts, and move on.
Goodbye to You is not completely fitting, due to it being a song and the lyrics are not quite correct for this. Another title that could have been given this is “Endless Waltz”. What can I say? It is fitting to what is going on. I felt cut off before, but now it is somewhat more… final. Do I feel sorrow for it? Not really. I think I might be used to it by now.
During today, I noticed I am now feeling leery about both the girls. It will not surprise me if one of them reads this, but I am not going to limit my ability to get out my thoughts – and perhaps my feelings – into this. After all, what is the point of a journal when you must be careful of what you write?
Due to the lack of Internet for some weeks, I no longer was able to send them things I wrote or drew. It became something the three of us seemed to enjoy doing. I often questioned if I might have been bothering them by constantly showing them my “works”, but they always assured me.
Now, however… I suddenly feel the lack of connection that used to cause me to wish for them to see my things. I was coloring something. I finally had the paint program back, so I decided to test myself to determine how rusty I had become. All the while, I kept thinking that I did not feel the need to show the girls it when done.
I had similar thoughts about the changes, additions and stand alone writings I did whilst the three of us lost the ability to contact each other. When I had been doing said things, I was wishing I could show them. I was wishing I could send them through the Internet. Now though… I do not care to.
CP and Neko are growing up in ways that alienate me from them. It also alienates them from each other, but it does the same for me in different ways as well.
When Neko sent me the email, I responded. I kept indifferent, gave advice she could take heed to or throw away, and wished her luck. It caused me to recollect how if I were younger I would have told her how I felt, been in inner turmoil and such. She was experiencing that already though; therefore, I skipped all of that.
One, my feelings are muted. It seems over time I am not longer so emotional like I was when younger. I do not know what to think of that. Anyway, two, we were talking about her; therefore, it would stay on her. Three, I am her friend. When I take on the role of the friend, I intend to stick with it. I am stubborn and perhaps loyal. It can hurt, but I make myself a promise. I tell myself I will always be there for whatever friend. I intend to keep that true.
One word came to mind through all of this.

Forgotten.

It made me smile faintly when it popped into my mind. It is the most glaring thought out of all of this. The infamous story was first titled that. It had many issues I had undergone. Now such issues seem to be rising again. Happily, though, this time I am no longer affected intensely. I still do not know if that is a good sign or not, but I am content emotionally nonetheless.
I guess I just knew it would end up all the same. Like with the previous twins I knew, a pipe dream was formed. I knew do to the fact that it was dreamt up by three people, there was even less likelihood of it occuring. Once one member pulls out, the dream is already changed. Once both are gone, then the dream has no chance to take flight at all.Despite that, it was a beautiful dream. There is nothing wrong with dreaming.
Usually the song “Shimmer” would always come along whenever these sorts of scenarios occur. Instead, a different song entered my mind. I guess it is because it is no longer so painful a thing.
Well, those are my main thoughts. If Neko or CP read this, all I can say is our overused phrase.

I am sorry.

I could elaborate as to what the apology is for, but I can say that it is not regret for how I feel.