Sometimes I question if I have become a coward lately. I do not consider it a terribly bad thing, because I recall back how I was when I tried so hard to be strong and independent. No longer living in insane conditions and circumstances, I have rather regained a sense of sanity… that is if I ever possessed it before now… *Speculative*
\nNevertheless, in this blanket of security, I occasionally come to conclude I have stopped in a sense. As those I once knew as my “peers” have grown and flourished in their own ways, I am rather the same as I was upon finding solace. In this though, I question if I have grown at all.
\nTo some degree I am content with this because life before was like a an endless rotation of a music box melody… and the song was dismal like a dirge for my own funeral. I then question though… is it so good a thing to stay in my quiet, peaceful cocoon?
\nBased on previous attempts to venture out in the world, the results have often been dismal. Often they have led me into a darkness that is darker than black rather than a soothing one with the occasional shades of gray. Simply put, it often just seems to justify that I just don’t quite make sense upon this earth. A certain misplacement, I suppose.
\nThere are those who have encouraged me to get out there, make friends… there have been encouragements that if I try, I will make more connections and find friends. Perhaps I just have too high of expectations…
\nIn my efforts, I usually just find myself a third wheel. Though I am with others who are willing to share company with me, there is still an unseen wall. There is still a bubble about them I cannot seem to pass. On the outside looking in? On the inside looking out? I have yet to determine which way it is still.
\nA blockage in my mind, I lack the ability to grasp things that bring about communication. Social networking is closer to something I can deal with, but that isn’t what I am looking for. As said, there is a high expectation for me.
\nEmotional and mental connections is what elates me. A trust that allows me to feel comfortable and open… it is so hard to find when just entering through the social barriers is so difficult. Such a thing often takes an amount of time and cultivation in my case.
\nSpeaking of common interests, following trends, showing wit… those rarely interest me. In fact, I often have little to talk about when it comes to the social scene. Books, movies, shows, politics, news, technology… How does one start when one doesn’t have anything to say about it or has very little interest in the world to begin with?
\nI suppose I could force myself to try to take interest in such things, but what is the point in that when it has nothing to do with my true interests? I saw plenty of change about me during adolescence. Preteens taking on the latest trends to be accepted into groups. Perhaps they liked said trends… others they simply made themselves like them until it became natural and thus eventually liked.
\nI could never really feign interest in things that never grasped me attentions on its own, however. Pretending to like something just to gain a way to enter a possible “relationship” never appealed to me. I make for a poor actor and don’t really care to be one.
\nAh… so troublesome.
\nThere are those who see potential in me… believe I can do things…
\nBut all the times I gather the courage, or at times in the past was just frustrated with their pestering, it led to me feeling greater isolation than ever. Thinking of that feeling… it actually causes my eyes to prickle right now. Wretched, dismal and so alone…
\nThat is what I feel whenever I try to make friends it seems.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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