Letters to my Mom while Sister was home:<\/p>\n
Yeah… Fuck you too Hilary. Fuck you, too.<\/em><\/p>\n And today had been surprisingly nice until Hilary told me I didn’t know anything… why I even try…<\/em> —<\/em><\/p>\n I apologize to you about the cursing slip at dinner tonight. Admittedly, I had wondered about going at all after the first \u201crun in\u201d with Hilary while in the cat room. I’ve been tired, the day and a half of missing medications and the fact that Hilary and I have never truly made sense near one another…<\/em><\/p>\n Yes. I’m sorry for the tense moment there… I’m not sorry for thinking that about her though.<\/em><\/p>\n Again, while Hilary says I don’t know, I don’t understand, etc… Well, at the same time she doesn’t know, she doesn’t understand. The difference is, she won’t even consider or bother to try to if she ever did consider.<\/em><\/p>\n Yes, I use the term \u201crich\u201d. As I’ve tried to explain before though, my \u201crich\u201d is different from her \u201crich\u201d. I know you know that. She just never listens. Sigh. Even when I use the word \u201cwe\u201d I really refer to you and Dad. I’m fine with how I am really. Spend so much on groceries, so much on mortgage, do chores, have the internet… Money left over in case you or Dad need some help and when you don’t, spend a little on something \u201ccollectible\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n When I speak of \u201crich\u201d though… I mainly say it out of wishes for you and Dad. The we only comes into play due to the fact I live in this house with you and if there is a we, then if I somehow miraculously got enough money, I’d make all your financial troubles disappear. Because it is nice to dream. It is nice to think of of it. I wasn’t complaining and I only used \u201cpoor\u201d because it was used by others.<\/em><\/p>\n Admittedly, I know I am fortunate not to know what being absolutely wretchedly poor is like. Hilary was right about that one, but I know what it is like to count pennies, scrounge for coupons and buy the cheapest items and food possible. I know what it is like suddenly having near nothing in my bank account by the end of the month because some annoying crisis has occurred. I know what it is like to only have the clothes on my back and a couch as my bed.<\/em><\/p>\n I know what it is like to see my parents struggle with money because their kids are idiots and most of the time don’t even show gratitude. I know what it is like to have to bail out my siblings because Dad has done something \u201chonorable\u201d for them financially. I know what it is like seeing my parents break down because their idiot son stole a great deal of their precious mementos to pawn. Hilary, you weren’t here during that shit!<\/em><\/p>\n Sigh…<\/em><\/p>\n I hate to say it… but I am starting to think I don’t really love her and only tell myself I do. I think I try to. I think I might say \u201cI love her, but…\u201d when it is really only being said to convince myself I do.<\/em><\/p>\n I had many bad thoughts at dinner this evening. Bad karma indeed.<\/em><\/p>\n In order to survive the rest of this \u201choliday\u201d… I might just stay in my room until she is gone. ‘Cause… like many other things I have come to terms with this year… I think I really just can’t be around her much. She has never been good for me and likely never will… How can I keep telling myself I love her because she’s my sister… when I want her gone? When I want her to just… Sigh.<\/em><\/p>\n —<\/em><\/p>\n I send one thing and now… Hilary and San Antonio. I see she still resents me like mad.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I give up on her. I just…. give up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Letters to my Mom while Sister was home: Yeah… Fuck you too Hilary. Fuck you, too. And today had been surprisingly nice until Hilary told me I didn’t know anything… why I even try… You think I knew jack shit about what she was talking about? I thought I understood well enough. -__- — I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/522","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=522"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/522\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":524,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/522\/revisions\/524"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=522"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=522"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=522"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n You think I knew jack shit about what she was talking about? I thought I understood well enough. -__-<\/em><\/p>\n