While dusting today I recalled last night. Mom and I were watching television as usual and in one scene a young detective was trying to work a suspect in the interrogation room. Serious and uptight, the suspect constantly goaded him because of that seriousness and in turn was amused by his ever so serious responses because it was obvious he was just becoming more infuriated
\nSeeing that, I thought, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was likely played like that when in school.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Serious, uptight and paranoid\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 yeah, I fit the role well. With how others teased me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 my anger and serious ways likely just amused them all the more. Oh, well.
\nAnyway, that led to another discovery I made a while back. My \u00e2\u20ac\u0153peers\u00e2\u20ac\u009d likely also saw me as a psycho. I had never thought of that possibility, but apparently\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 yeah\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I think I likely was relatively psychotic back then as well. Despite knowing this, I find I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t change that.
\nIf there is any truth I have come to believe in, it is the sincerity of emotions. I believe I should never regret those because they were how I truly felt at the time. Emotions don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lie\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 only our perceptions of them and whatever reasons we create for their presence at the time can be.
\nI also don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t regret because in that, I had met Kyle. During that time I was hurting a great deal and from that hurt came the psychotic ways. Despite that, he was my friend.
\nWe don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see each other much anymore. We haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seen ach other in person for five years and around seven months. We kept contact over the internet though, but even that is dwindling. Despite that, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure if he ever changes emails, he will let me know. I trust him, I believe.
\nTrust means a lot to me.
\nDespite the absence, the fact that we never lost a connection that says, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you can still find me whenever necessary\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is what sealed the deal. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t recall if it was a promise or not, but he said he would be there always. I was uncertain of that five years ago. Now\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I think I believe it completely.
\nThe uncertainty back then? He knows why it was there. Times before with friends\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 such promises were empty. There was always separation. I expected in due time\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 be it months to years\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d disappear like all the others. He hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t though. Every once in a while he sends signs of life. It is comforting.
\nSomewhere in the time frame of my dusting this morning a thought crossed my mind. I made a silent promise to myself once. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never try to kill myself again as long as someone needed me to remain on this earth. That came along after thinking how\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 if it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t for Kyle, I actually wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be here today.
\nAnyway, I thought, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I ever fall back to such desperation again\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcll make sure to contact him. I\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcll ask him, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcDo you still need me around?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Well, it would be something like that, anyway. I realized I decided that because I do believe his word. I believe that even in the far future, decades by now… I’ll still be able to contact him. I trust his word. It astounds me a bit\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but it makes me happy.
\nI never thought such was possible.
\nEven though we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see each other much\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I realize now that Kyle gives me hope.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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