Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me.
\nIt has been okay so far\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been paranoid on occasion, but he seems a heck of a lot better than the last guy. Talking with him for about half a week though\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it is no different to me when I hold a brief conversation with someone I casually know, and I mean casually, or even when talking to others I only see a brief time\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 like when at a check out at the grocery store.
\nThere just is no connection. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nice and all, but I feel no interest. At best I just think, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, at least I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m socializing a bit more doing this\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Oh, well.
\nOnwards\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I saw the foot doctor yesterday. I got my orthodics and they are working out great so far. Admittedly my lower back is bothering me, but I really feel the change. Walking doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel awkward like it did before! Yosh!
\nAnother thing happened yesterday too. I joined a new board on the twenty sixth\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it is for asexuals. Well, from it, I learned the term for how I feel in another case. Agender. I always had trouble identifying with the sexes\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I never felt I fit with girls, but I never felt like I did with boys either. On that site, I found my feelings aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t so far fetched! There were others! It made me happy.
\nDespite all of this okay news though\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 In my most recent round of trying to get out there a bit, even if it is just via the net, it is just as hard as previous endeavors. I always try when I get these urges\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 never seem to fit in no matter where I go. While I can relate to people on this board, I still feel like an outsider. I almost always feel this way when it comes to people.
\nIt seems the only time I feel loneliness is when I actually try to find friends. In my search, I never seem to find a real connection with another\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I just feel lost in a swarm of people. I become longing and sad. An ache enters my chest and I know loneliness.
\nSigh\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6
\nIt really got to me last night when I tried to go to sleep. The ache was there and I just wanted to hug someone. My parents were asleep though and I certainly wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to wake one of them up just because I needed a hug.
\nThere have been a few people who managed to make me feel I belonged in my life\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but they are few and fleeting. I remember how once I left high school, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d read about a certain friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life and he changed so much\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Well, he was essentially the same; he just entered a more social world. A similar ache and sadness occurred at that time. I hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been able to watch these changes in him and I had no way of sharing such things with him\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 And I felt lonely because of that.
\nIt had been that way back when I started middle school too. All of my friends from elementary school were all changing and drifting away. They had cliques they needed to join, new friends to hang with. Their interests changed to things I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand. In the end, while it was all alien to me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I just felt like the alien. Again\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I was the outsider.
\nIt doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not particularly interesting. I know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not. I lack the ability to follow many conversations as well\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6
\nBut I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll try. Nonetheless, it seems for naught. Even if a person does reply to me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it is all so distant. There is no connection and I feel loneliness.
\nI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to continue this little venture though. It won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t surprise me if it ends the same as my previous ones\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll just try until my will dwindles down again and I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired. It is all I can do\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me. It has been okay so far\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been paranoid on occasion, but he […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-304","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-air","category-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=304"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":414,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/304\/revisions\/414"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=304"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=304"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=304"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}