I woke and did chores this morning. I thought of the day before and still wondered about my mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s response to my dream. I worried. She is one of the few people I care about deeply enough to worry over how I am seen. I expected my dad\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s response. Just by my dream he worried for my sister. My mom\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s response\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 was too ambiguous for me to read.
\nI wondered if I should leave my worries alone and let my subconscious battle them or if I should talk to my mom again. Perhaps I would bring it up when we went to see my psychiatrist. Maybe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d show her my last entry. Perhaps I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d simply bring it up. At worst, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d keep silent and hope to forget about all of it. Since I knew brooding over it would just make me sick, I mainly preoccupied my mind the rest of the day until I saw her again.
\nAround four thirty she arrived home and we headed for the doctor. During the ride and while lounging in the waiting room we talked. I flat out asked her if I my reaction to my dream disturbed her at all. She replied no since she knew it was just a dream and dreams are symbolic.
\nThe conversation went on from there. I told her she blatantly said I killed her in the dream. She said she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean to say that and we vaguely went over her interpretation and such. I told her a summary of my interpretation. I told her I knew all the conflicts between her didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t die like how she speculated. I\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 know that deep inside I still am leery of my sister\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 at least of the past.
\nI know mentally I am at peace. As noted in my previous entry, I do not regret what happened, because it also was part of what made me become who I am today. Intellectually I am aware my sister likely has no clue that her actions in the past have traumatized me and all that crap. She likely doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember a damn thing. I know it is just the way she is. I know that I see her as my sister and I care for her as a sister. Even though in families people will go to the extent of disowning a member\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 such doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fit in my belief system. She is my sister no matter what.
\nI also know, however\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 that despite she is my sister, as a person I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t greatly care for her, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hate her. While I can vaguely feel sympathetic to her\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 for the most part I feel nothing. Fondness\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really come to mind in my memories. Sure, there were interesting times\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but when it comes down to her alone\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just another person.
\nShould I think of her in the past\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 she is the nightmare that became reality. Thinking of myself around her back then\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 She could terrify me to speechlessness. I froze and I would obey. I learned defiance only got me in deeper shit.
\nWhile in the past my relationship with her made me so angry\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 now\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I think it just makes me sad. When I think of how my parents did nothing\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m resigned.
\nI don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do now should I ever encounter my sister in her past moods. I know if my parents ever took her side in the matter or didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be crushed.
\nFor now, though\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m back to being relatively peaceful. My misinterpretation of my mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reaction was solved.
\nThinking back\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I remembered how I told no one anything when a child. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be a burden, I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be weak and I was afraid of how the listener would respond. I almost did that today. I thought of just keeping my worries over my mom to myself.
\nTalking isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t weak. It takes more will and courage than some think. While it can start misunderstandings it can always clear them as well. It can bring the greatest of dread and to most wonderful relief.
\nEven if the person you tell reacts the way you most fear you find out more about what kind of person he or she was and you no longer struggle with the issue. The response may have broken something, but there are no more what ifs. Illusions are no longer there. True, the person no longer sees you the way they once saw you\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but then you will not be living a lie and\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 you find out if the person is truly someone who you can depend on.
\nI\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 had a handful of friends when growing up. The few times I tried to talk with them, they never understood. There was one in the end though. He seems to find none of my words surprising and he never shies away. The same goes for my mother. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d rather only have two people understand me like that than many friends\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6
\nI can be truthful to them, confide in them and while I might be afraid sometimes\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I have come to trust them to the point I have belief. I believe they will understand me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and if they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, they won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shun me. I am\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 very grateful for that.
\nIn my short life\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I realized I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been taken advantage of when it comes to friendships. All of those friends I once had\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I tried to be the best friend possible. I always quietly promised I would be there for my friends no matter what. I became the person they would confide in and that was about all. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d pull me out from a dusty drawer, tell me woes, problems and such\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and when satisfied, they would stick me back in and leave.
\nI became physically sick due to that. It took years for me to finally realize I had to stop before I was eaten away from such relationships. They couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand me and didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even try to, and yet I still tried to be a good friend to them. In the end, I realized, such a promise was pointless. I was their friend\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but they apparently were not mine.
\nHeh\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 all of this makes me think of that story I wrote.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought of you as an illusion once, Edan. Do you know that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/em>she thought quietly as she felt his warmth envelope her.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feared letting myself touch anyone\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 not just physically alone, but mentally and emotionally. Did you know that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em>
\nQuietly she reached for his hands. He lifted them so his would meet hers. She smiled vaguely.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Touch\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I put so much into it. If I were to touch you, would you disappear? Would all of this be but a dream created due to insanity? Am I still back at my post and merely am mad?<\/em>
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I were to touch your mind\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 would what I see be an illusion? Did I merely make you so wonderful in fantasies? Would the dream shatter and explode into oblivion?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em>
\nShe shut her eyes and took in his scent. She simply wanted to be surrounded by him like a blanket.
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Perhaps one day I will be able to let you look at everything. Maybe one day we will touch completely and not merely watch from afar. On that day\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 perhaps my trust will be freed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I woke and did chores this morning. I thought of the day before and still wondered about my mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s response to my dream. I worried. She is one of the few people I care about deeply enough to worry over how I am seen. I expected my dad\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s response. Just by my dream he worried […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-air","category-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=227"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":452,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227\/revisions\/452"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}