I remember having a rant stashed away somewhere about want\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 in fact there is probably two of them. It was a different sort of want. It was a want that dealt more with the world than with me, I think. It was about me, but it had nothing to do with what I wanted.
\nDuring times of confusion and pressure, my parents would ask me what I wanted. The question pertained to my future\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 more specifically the path I would take. This centered on college, working, or both. Nevertheless, college was always expected.
\nMy problem with those questions of what was wanted had other reasons rather than interest or want. College? I hated school. Yeah, I got good grades, graduated high school early and hit college\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but who the hell said I liked it?
\nThen there was getting a job. Okay, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do that. Do I want to? Not many people want to work\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 some do\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 perhaps many do\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but nothing has ever interested me. Besides, it was expected, necessary and I was not going to be a lazy bum.
\nAs for both\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 well, that was never really pushed. I think by then my parents knew I did not have the mental stability to handle both. It just took them a while to realize I lacked the stability for either.
\nAs for want\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 well, I tried college and I never succeeded in a job\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 not even a volunteer one that was very simple. I did not care for either. Therefore, I wanted neither. I did both anyway. I tried my best and both resulted in\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 um\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 reverting to my less \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hinged\u00e2\u20ac\u009d ways.
\nSo, where am I getting at? Where\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the want? My want was to get by and do well enough for my parents. Perhaps they never truly pressured me and it was just all my paranoia, but I always thought I needed to do everything that was expected in a person. Sadly, I seem to not be the sort who can handle what is normal for most.
\nDuring that time, I knew what I wanted. I just knew it would not be an acceptable answer. I wanted to be left alone. I stopped that thought soon after it emerged though. After all, if taken literally, I would be utterly alone. No, to be more specific\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I wished to be left to my own devices, I believe.
\nBack then, I think I knew I was not made for college. Despite that I tried, I worked hard and passed the few classes I took with high grades. I was that way from kindergarten to high school. Like in the previous years, college was relatively the same to me and thus had the same effects. I became depressed, irritable, tired and all that jazz.
\nI thought, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is this all there is?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I could predict how working would be. I would end up the same way under a job. Some would say school and work are different. For them, it probably is. For me though\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 in the end it just depresses me.
\nI found this out by a mere volunteer job. I liked the job really. It was my sort of niche. I think a good part of the issue was being unable to function in the given environment. The place was a library. How could I not function in a library? I have no idea. Nevertheless, symptoms started up again. I began to get irritable, tired and soon enough depressed. I even cut, which was something I had not done for a long while.
\nFinally, after a while, I think my mom came to realize what I subconsciously assumed. I just was not able to function in the real world like a normal person. I believe after that she stopped with the suggestions of trying college again and\/or looking for a job whether it was volunteer or part time.
\nNow, a good while later, I believe I have what I wanted at that time, but am surprised a bit by how it came about. All that time I was doing the changes, the trying and such to try to achieve what I wanted. In the end, it required my parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 state of minds to change.
\nI wanted to please them. I wanted to be a good child. I wanted them to see how hard I tried to live up to expectations. But my body and mind slowly started to expend its resources, I guess. I started falling more. I cried often. I sank into depressions deeply. In the end I wanted to be left to my own devices.
\nWhen growing up, I never considered my limitations. I was fueled by want I guess. It was just a want they could not see. I always took into mind the saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you set your mind to it you can do anything.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I always berated myself. I always made sure I tried. I would always try and I would try my damned hardest. I kept working to do what I thought my parents wanted of me to achieve what I wanted.
\nThe saying just did not hold true.
\nI remember, how frustrated I would get when my parents said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do what you think we want you to do. We want you to do what you want.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Well, we are all screwed then. All I wanted was to make them happy. All they wanted was for me to do what I wanted. The only way I knew how to do that was be the dutiful child.
\nNow there is no more of that. I am grateful. Now I have what I wanted\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 to be able to be left to my own devices and not have to worry about disappointing my parents for not doing what is expected of the majority of this world.
\nWhat started this little \u00e2\u20ac\u0153gem\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of writing was another night of lying in bed and thinking. I thought of this and I thought of things I actually wanted. I thought I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d write them down.<\/p>\n
I Want:
\n01. To never lose my sense of self ever again.
\n02. To not fall into depression.
\n03. To always be truthful.
\n04. To please those important to me.
\n05. To be a good person.
\n06. To not be a hypocrite.
\n07. To be and be considered as reliable.
\n08. To always be aware of what I should be grateful for.
\n09. To have a content life.
\n10. To remain happy with who I am.
\n11. To be accepted for who I am.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I remember having a rant stashed away somewhere about want\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 in fact there is probably two of them. It was a different sort of want. It was a want that dealt more with the world than with me, I think. It was about me, but it had nothing to do with what I wanted. During […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-air"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/194","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=194"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/194\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=194"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=194"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nyxity-lee.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=194"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}