I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve often had times where I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d pass by a mirror and suddenly be surprised. What? It is just my reflection. Do I simply avoid looking in them? No. I look everyday. I guess don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t focus I suppose.<\/p>\n
It happened again tonight (August 31). I was stopping by the bathroom and suddenly caught sight of myself. I was somewhat\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 bewildered I guess would be the word. It was like I did not expect to see myself. It was a, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, yeah\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 that person is me. That is me in existence.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Now, when I asked my mom if she ever underwent such a feeling, she thought I was lacking much sleep, which I am, but I just can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fall asleep no matter how long I lay down. Anyway, I left after that disheartening response.<\/p>\n
Despite that when I went to my room the phrase \u00e2\u20ac\u0153a dream within a dream\u00e2\u20ac\u009d kept popping into my subconscious.\u00c2\u00a0 <\/span>I soon enough ask my mother if she knew of the thought of whether a person exists or really is just the dream of another, reality and all that junk. She seemed to understand better, but I doubt she grasped what I was trying to get at.<\/p>\n Then\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Bam. The realization finally settled in when I sat down and snacked on some chips. I really did not expect my body to be there. I live too much in mental view rather than conscious physical view. I usually just observe and think. I read, watch and hear things\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and while there are feelings, it does not connect with my body so easily. The feeling is deeper, like the soul or spirit. It is all\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 mental\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 intangible.<\/p>\n \u00c2\u00a0<\/span>Then every once in a while\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I guess I forget myself in physical form. I forget my body as being an identifier as to who I am in reality. So when I noticed my reflection tonight\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it was a jolt. I recalled I am in more realities than just my own, I guess?<\/p>\n I wonder if that is my reality. A reality of merely souls touching souls\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Maybe that is why, when I look at people\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I feel little association. I know better, but I really don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel it. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t realize my corporeal form\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 so I have trouble relating to theirs\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Heh. Even on the \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcnet\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I have trouble relating to people. I prefer just reading thoughts, ideas and the like\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but when it becomes too human\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I feel alien.<\/p>\n Yeah\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it has been going on for a while. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve notice manga has started to depress me a bit the more I read it. There are places that scanlate unlicensed manga even. At a board I go to, there is a separate entity of the site for such a thing. People can comment on the scans. I know I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to read them, but the comments are there. They make me sick. Their minds and views of the world make me sick. I read things\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 watch shows\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 The things humans do, the ignorance, the knowledge, the usage of such things\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 my god\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Is there any depth? Any depth at all?<\/p>\n I wonder if I am being too \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Holier than thou\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I hope not. I do not wish to be\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 damn. Humans make this world one damn depressing place. I like the world. I love our cats. I like watching animals, seeing nature, hearing music and all that\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n However\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 all the fakeness in the human society, the fear, the hate and so many other things\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I only shake my head at the thought. It depresses me.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Where\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the killing? There needs to be more action!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c comment on a manga that doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stay vapid.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wish I was old enough to be in the army! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d get some guns and blow them all to pieces!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c idiot classmate claiming he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be a war hero after the fall of the world trade center.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Look at that face! He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a goddamn thug! I know it!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c basing on looks and not the soul.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are such a fag. That is so gay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201cneeding to seem superior, cool and all that shit.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Attachment disorder, PTSD, and all of those disorders caused by abuse, rape, neglect\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201chumans turning on others and fucking the future of mankind over even more.<\/p>\n Sigh\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Heh\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 back on the previous topic, I remember my dreams. If people look at my life in physical sense\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it is likely boring as hell. To me\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a pretty damn fine with it. I dream a lot. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not talking about day dreaming or anything. I certainly do not aspire. I mean the nighttime dreams.<\/p>\n I think I live more in my dreams than in my wake. They aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t exciting or anything\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and they certainly are not ideal, fantasy shit\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I feel more alive in the dreaming than in this at times. I live more in my mind than I do in the physical world.<\/p>\n A part of me wonders if that is just running away from reality\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 but the thing is\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 reality is just a figment in itself. I merely do not accept\/see reality like others do\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 it is not even a conscious thing. I only realized it tonight\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n Hm\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I guess that is all. Yeah.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve often had times where I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d pass by a mirror and suddenly be surprised. What? It is just my reflection. Do I simply avoid looking in them? No. I look everyday. I guess don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t focus I suppose. It happened again tonight (August 31). I was stopping by the bathroom and suddenly caught sight of myself. 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