There is not much to say. Then again, I usually lack much to say but have the ability to draw it out to make the entries in this journal long. At least, I believe that is the case.

Anyway, the week is again a blur. I never have quite “recovered” from my withdrawal back during Halloween weekend, but it is nothing serious. I am merely… out of commission I suppose.

After I read the mentioned book from my previous entry, I did little else the rest of the week. I read, I typed up small scenes, I cleaned and I drew. I do not even quite remember what I read nor what I drew even. I suppose I will look- Ah. I drew Night and then a picture of a very skeletal man. I worked on a cat the remainder – I suppose I am still working on it but not by much – that is not going as planned due to my pen being a cruel fiendish foe.

By the end of the week, my mother was far too tired to go to the store on Friday and I very well was fine with that. I had been and still am suffering from back problems. I have been staying in bed a ridiculous amount once more due to them. Even then, I had moments that were terrible. I thought my spine and back ribs would disintegrate from it all.

Well, we went to eat that night at the Lake House. I found I rarely talked and was not quite there. I think I am becoming less aware of the world around me in a sense. I do not mind really. It is funny in truth. I recollect the moments I would undergo a depression I would often think life was too monotonous and living would seem trivial to me. I saw no point. I worked like a clock, a robot, a machine, et cetera…

Now I do not feel that way. Perhaps it is because I am now in a fog. Perhaps it is due to my medicine. Perhaps it is from no longer having stress in bountiful amounts. Either way, I have become quite content with my life. For once… I believe I feel human again. It is silly, considering I rarely interact and the like, but still… I suppose it is the solitude.

There is nothing to compare myself to really. I am not in situations where I have to be around people. I do not really converse with them much anymore, not even on the computer. There no longer is an awkwardness or feeling of inadequacy due to not belonging or connecting. I do not have to worry about trying to understand things like what is going on in media. I do not necessarily become “silent” anymore. I merely have no reason to force myself to speak.

I like it. There is no strain or awkwardness. In chat, I rather often had little to say. I knew little of music, movies and absolutely nothing about video games. It was like watching an alien world and merely try to comprehend.

The things that interest me are not exactly conversational. I read, but what I read are not books. Even if they were books, I would have nothing to discuss about them to another. I draw, but I am not of artistic knowledge. I would no analyze a work and try to find the “deeper meaning”. I would have nothing to say about anything I created either in truth. I sometimes record myself singing. I likely will not let others hear the recordings, and even if I did, we would have little to say. The music I listen to is just that. I like it; I listen to it. I do not know genres; I do not know deeper meanings to lyrics half the time. I would happily write about such things when in the mood, but I really am not the type to “discuss” about them.

I write, but I would not show it to another. When I do, I will talk about it. I have noticed this with the girls. I know they like my characters and I can talk freely about ideas in regards to them. It becomes monotonous though. In fact, I mainly converse with them about such topic. We spout ideas, I go into depth, and I show them things I write. Other than that, we lack in conversation for the most part. We do not seem to mind that, but we do not have much to talk about, thus enjoy knowing the other is around. I like that.

Saturday we went to the store. I ached, was tired, felt nausea and eventually had a mild headache. Quite simply, someone loves me. The rest of the weekend was also a blur. I believe it was Sunday did we go to eat at IHOP. That was nice.

It might have been on Saturday or Sunday but I was bedridden beyond repair. My back was going to be the end of me, I thought. I tried laying on it. It only hurt. I tried lying on my stomach, it was excruciating. I tried lying on my side, it was not as bad, but still obviously painful. I curled, and it was then it was tolerable.

Last night we had pizza, but I did not seem to care for it as much as I usually would. I guess I just was not in the mood. In fact, I lack the mood to eat. Previous week, I had been ravenous. This time around, I do not care for food at all. I only eat regularly because it pleases my mother. She gets onto me about my weight, which is silly I think. Until I am down to 105, I see no reason to worry. I am over that by slightly more than ten pounds, and I cannot say I am relatively fond of that, but I allow it.

All that is left to say is that I received word from Neko. Their Internet has been cruel to them once more, hence their absence. I figured as much. I have happily become accustomed to their bouts of absences to the point that I no longer worry. It has become something natural. Relationships over the net can be a scary thing. As Kyle had mentioned before, when someone is absent over a long period without warning and you have no other way to contact him or her, you have so many possibilities as to why he or she is gone. Thinking of terrible occurrences come to mind naturally. I have become to used to such scenarios. Therefore, I simply wait until they make contact.

~ Au revoir…

This week is something of a blur once more I suppose. I read a lot and I did my chores.

Where I left off it was Halloween. That night my father cooked spaghetti and for a while after I ate I merely sat in the kitchen by his request, so I would be in there with them. It made me realize how I little well I do in the company of others. I suppose I am just used to solitude. I rather just sat there and stared off really. I am sorry that I make such bad company.

Soon after my father and I were sitting in the living room, I was watching television since as noted socializing is not my strong suit. I left immediately when trick-or-treaters came to the door. They have always made me uncomfortable. Then again, the outside tends to make me uncomfortable.

By that, I mean, the constant noise, I suppose. For a while, my mother has been opening the windows to rely on the outside weather instead of the air conditioner. It unnerved me. The sound of cars passing by and other noises set me on edge. I suppose it is because the sound was louder than usual. I am used to things being muted and I suppose when outside I am more “prepared”.

At one point, I remember it was sprinkling. It might have been on Monday as well. All I know is that I became ecstatic by the weather with how windy it was. When it started to sprinkle, I went outside and enjoyed it. It is a penchant of mine, I suppose. I remembered how one summer it was raining and I went out in my usual clothing. I sat down in a sun chair and let the rain pour down on me. I believe the others found it peculiar.

Well, Tuesday came and my father had to take his leave. He departed around eight AM and I was the only one to see him off. I am not certain, but I think it was that day my mother and I went to find her a chair for her computer desk at Office Max. Either way, the task did happen.

Whilst she went to look at chairs, I browsed about the aisle that held many writing utensils. I had been undergoing a small drawing spree – too bad it stopped abruptly. I received some markers and pens whilst she bought her chairs. My mother, I have found, is great at milking bargains. I believe the chair was 120 and she got it for around 85. I doubt I will ever have such abilities. I lack in understanding such things. I would be the gullible sap who is cheated a lot.

As I waited on her, I stumbled on multi-purpose tools. I love those things. Four in one screwdrivers, pocketknives, and the like are fun. I mainly like collecting them more so than using. Then again, I rarely need to use things. It never hurts to have them around though. Heck, I have a small saw in a box a foot away from my feet. Fun times.

Anyway, the rest of the week was likely reading, typing, writing, drawing and cleaning. My mom left for my brother’s house to check on the cats Friday and was to be gone until Sunday night. Therefore, my brother and I fended for ourselves. I ran out of food and I considered my brother godsend for cooking a family sized frozen lasagna. Yes, I am that pathetic at cooking. The rest of the weekend I was eating peanuts, bread, or peanut butter – yes, I did not eat them together.

I read mainly and at one point, I typed up a small story. It did not come out as I hoped, but that is all right. I was out most of Sunday and I missed when my mother came home. When I awoke it was around eight or nine. She and my brother had eaten so I was wandering around trying to find something to eat. Heh. She went to bed and I stayed up. I have no idea when I went back to bed.

Today is a blur. I read, I cleaned… when my mom came home we went to get groceries. It was the usual expedition until we were checking out. The girl scanning things had arachnophobia. She saw a spider smaller than a pencil’s eraser head and freaked out, crying and the like. I did not notice until the groceries stopped coming my way. When I finally did I saw most of the other workers as well as people waiting were staring at the girl. I finally got a look at her and realized something happened. Yes, I do not notice things outside my head much.

It surprised me though. I never encountered a person who had a phobia so bad, much less witnessing the fear at its worst. I murmured to my mother that it was good her fear was simply over spiders. She would not be able to function well at all if the phobia were something like the fear of the color yellow.

We spoke a bit about my mother’s cat, named Mocha Delight or for short Moki, who is the most terrified creature I have ever come upon. We think he was traumatized before she even bought him. He is easily spooked. Skittish. I noted to myself that it is interesting that he and I never bonded. One would think we would. He hides away under the bed and comes out at night. I hide in my room and am most active at night.

Sigh.

Well, I suppose that is all that my feeble mind has to recollect. Well, that and the reminded of my brother owing me twenty dollars. He borrowed the money to go bowling with his fellow workers. He needs the socializing; which is funny coming from me, but he does. He is used to having at least some friends and even though he has been here for a year or something along those lines, he has no friends. Then again, no one in my family really is the type to make friends – at least close ones.

~ I am Colorblind…

Last week is a blur. I remember nothing. Then again, I was likely very submerged in reading. I even forgot about what I dub as “family time”. Other than that, I know that I worked slightly on a drawing, which I finished tonight/this morning. Saturday and Sunday were spent in medication withdrawal. I depend on my mother to give it to me since my memory is not adequate for such a task. Well, this weekend hers was not either. I was in bed for an atrocious amount of time. The joys of dependency on drugs it seems.

My father made it down around twelve thirty. I was still in bed feeling under the weather. He left a box of old books in my room, and after groggily managing to rise at least my upper body, I allowed one arm to move to shift through the books like one would through files in a cabinet. Yes, I was in that pathetic of a state. After a couple of hours later, I was able to even get out of the bed.

I arose and was very out of control of my usual self. I ran into the box, I stumbled out of the room and those two things alone are things I do not do unless in a strange manic state full of odd quirks. My father was resting in the living room by then I think … I cannot recall. The day has been foggy for the most part.

There were intentions to eat around three or four. I had not eaten for the longest time though, so I made some toast with a slice of cheese in between. It was Dad or my brother – wait, it was likely my brother – who told me I should not be eating since dinner would occur soon enough. I of course ignored it. Standing, sitting… my head was a dense haze. I was sort of a thing that just sat there… nothing.

It was then it occurred to me that I could not recollect my medicine. My mom was next to me at that point and I inquired her about it. Apparently, I was in withdrawal. She thought I took my medicine. I responded by asking her how I could have taken it since I had been unconscious for a disturbingly long period this weekend. There was more quips put into the conversation, but I lack clarity.

I took a shower and ended up looking very nice since I somehow received compliments, which is utterly bazaar. It was nice though, so I had my dad take a picture for the heck of it. Hey, it is a rare occasion – me looking good that is – and I was lacking my lack thereof brain.

Eventually we left to eat around four. The place intended was closed for the day though, so we went elsewhere. The place was worth it. It was a Mexican restaurant. My father in the end decided to take a bite out of a pepper. It might have been a jalapeno or it could have been worse. Either way, his reaction sent the table into laughter. Poor Dad. The evening was nice though.

We then went out to look at houses. We are residing in a rental home, so of course we are still looking around. My brother was showing my dad areas we had looked through before. Then at the end, we went through a park none of us but my brother had seen. When we got home, I went for my room as usual and spent my time alone as usual.

I have been up all night reading and drawing. My parents have just now gotten up. My mother had poked her head in first and then my dad entered just a few minutes ago to give me my medicine and something to eat.

Sigh.

Today the only thing that is scheduled is to go to the grocery store with my father. In addition, I believe he intends to cook dinner tonight. My, my… Halloween. It will be my first time to celebrate it here. I am not much of a celebrating person – I avoid my birthday even. Still, it is interesting to consider. We will spend Thanksgiving where my eldest brother lives. Christmas will be spent here.

Anyway, I suppose that is all I really have to type other than that I have not seen the girls or Kyle for who knows how long now. My Internet Is back, obviously… it just happens to come back when I am out of commission. Joy.

~ I still feel hazy…

Simply put, my Internet time was put to an abrupt halt. One of our computers had a virus that caused junk mail to be dispersed from us. We all believe the culprit is the computer from the living room, which is under joint usage between my brother and mother.

It had been undergoing many problems and was swarmed with viruses, Trojans and the like galore. Both my brother and I had tried what we knew about ridding such things, but many were beyond our knowledge. Finally, the camel’s back broke. Our Internet provider quarantined us.

Therefore, I have not been able to get online for an amount of time I did not care about keeping track of. By guess, it has been a week of not being able to use the Internet decently. Then it had come to three days of none at all. If anything has been proven though, it is that I am not as dependent to my Internet as I had previously thought – or as exaggerated as my father put it.

It is after three days have I become annoyed. I miss reading fictions on the net apparently. I wonder how the girls and Kyle are doing as well. Other times I wished to simply look up some information – nothing important mind you – that I would not have the ability to access unless on the computer.

To pass the time I mainly edited that blasted story I have likely turned from perfect to overly drenched to gaudiness. Oh well. I thought my character needed a few traits of insanity. Insert cackling here.

Along with that, I have been listening to some of my music again and have come to “appreciate” to musical instrument known as the vocal chords better. The amusing thing is, though, that the singers are likely the ones critics would say “cannot sing”. Oh well, I like listening to the different pitches, the flow and the harmony of it all. It causes faint envy to bloom in me as well. Singers… growl.

Well… I did fool around with changing my breathing technique and had a good laugh trying to sing. I did it in my more… “Natural” voice. I did nothing to make it feminine and sound pleasing. Hello my monotone voice. I just sang. Behold hilarity.

Anyway, I cannot think of much to write. I mean, okay, I saw the dentist last Wednesday, he was nice and I found that I can sit like a statue as stiff as one for a long period of time since that is what I did whilst waiting. Remarkably, my teeth had no cavities. All they had were some wear and signs of calcium deficiency.

Friday I got some black nail polish for the heck of it. I always had a penchant for the stuff; I just could never find it often. Thank you Halloween season. Fun times. Oddly, my mom wishes to use some for Halloween. I am hoping she will go for orange. As said, it is hard for me to find black… I want to find some black lipstick now… Heh.

The only other thing “worth” mentioning is that I bleached a blue dress shirt until it turned white. I am sorry, I just did not like it in the blue shade it was in. Besides, the likelihood of me wearing it at all is not very favorable. I am a bad individual.

Anything else? Other than changing the filter on the 27^th, I do not believe so. Well, there is the case of my dad coming down, but I still have no idea when. Sigh.

~The “Sigher”…

I have little to nothing to write about, mainly because I am on a reading high – specifically fan created fiction on POTO. I received the 2004 movie version of it recently and was quite moved. In fact, it is the first movie for me to “cry to”… if you count a single tear.

I downloaded a few songs and have fallen for the actor’s voice for the phantom. I had heard Michael Crawford’s voice for the song, but I could not help but go for the movie’s singer. Watching the movie, I first thought the actor’s voice left much to be desired, but considered the case of “those who can, do, those who can’t teach”.

Then after hearing the music on headphones and comparing it to the musical’s… Yes. I enjoy the movie’s singer better for the theme song at least. It is more masculine… baritone and all of that. It fit more to what I was seeing in terms of a dark, brooding Phantom. Perhaps if I had seen the Broadway portrayel where the Phantom is not ridiculously “good looking”, then the tenor voice would have gotten me first. I can see that voice better for the more original portrayel – Erik. Even more, the instrumental usage in the movie is more of my tastes. It—is—rapture.

It makes me miss singing, really. My throat has never quite been the same after changes. I assume it may very well be the medications. Either way, it hurts, my throat does, it goes shaky and it cracks. It is… rather saddening. Oh well. I still dislike hearing me go off tune though.

Well, other than that, I have not seen the girls for perhaps a week now. I suppose they are either having a family concern, school is going overload or their Internet is a bust. Here is luck to them.

Today is another thing. I found that my ability to become aggravated or irritated -whichever word – I become such a state easily if something changes from my usual ways. It had been a while since my last occurrence of that. It… rather leaves me slightly concerned. In other words, by god, I am never going to do well working with others or by standards other than my own. I can, sure, but in the end, I will keep it concealed until it explodes and I am enraged, sick, or have a nervous breakdown. Sigh. Oh well.

On the 19^th I will be seeing the dentist and will find out just how poorly kept my teeth are – as I am certain my teeth will die on me by age twenty.

My next meeting with Wynn will be December the 9^th.

Father will be coming back in two weeks I believe.

I suppose this shall end. I want to put down some lyrics though.

From: The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Performed by: Minnie Driver

Composed by: Andrew Lloyd Webber, (Music/Lyrics); Charles Hart, (Music/Lyrics); Richard Stilgoe, (Music/Lyrics)

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world

There are arms to hold you

You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

Life can lived

Life can be loved

Alone…

~ Enraptured…

It is down in the fifties and the day is dreary. It rained earlier. I turned off my bedroom light and it is now dim… and in the dimness took form a dim recollection.

“I let the icy tentacles embrace me tightly like a lover taking me into numbness.”

I remembered that. I wrote it in a poem back in sixth grade. I was in Mr. Spataro’s math class. It was cold and dreary that day too. It was back when my depression was taking bloom. The poem expressed the cold that I loved.

Back then I would wear t-shirts while others snuggled themselves in jackets. I welcomed the biting air. It made me feel alive and… Happy. Take me to a cold darkness… silent and calm… and beautiful. Numb the sadness in ice. That was something like the feel of the poem. It is a pity I cannot remember all of it as well as not saving it.

~Quacky Hoot

It has been in the lower sixties today. I am enjoying it greatly. If the weather temperature stayed just like it was today, I would be one happy individual. Fall weather! Yesh!

My diet has changed to the point that I eat three meals a day at least. For about half a month, bleeding had been occurring and out of conclusion, it had something to do with my diet. Oh well.

Other than that, there is not much to write about. This weekend the girls were out of commission due to the net and their mother. This week or was it this weekend as well? Either way, my brother and I worked on putting pictures up. So now, I have dusting even more pictures on my list.

Oh, wait. It was Sunday. Travis left early on Monday. He is staying a week with my dad. Half of the time to help him pack things up and move. My father sold the house and is in search of a place to stay, be it an apartment or a rent house. Travis will be hauling things down here with him to put into storage or keep in this house.

They are coming down Sunday and dad is leaving on Tuesday. Poor Dad… The trip is eight freaking hours!

In addition, tomorrow I will be seeing the psychologist. I am rather… um… unfeeling about it. Alternatively, perhaps I am and yet am not paying attention to them.

Anyway, this week was nice, quiet and I started printing out a few things I wanted to buy but seemed ridiculous to purchase since they were stickers, and some had poor color scheming so I redid them. I am either a freak, or I am a smart cheapskate. Hu!

Also, I am somewhat getting bored with Ventrilo. I expected as much. I never was much of a phone talker so why would I be much of a microphone one? It is nice hearing so many different voices though. It just tires my throat and I really lack words to say. I can tell that much in even mere typing chat rooms.

I also have an odd thing for looking at costumes this year. I suppose the up coming Halloween season did it… as well as scheming with CP and Neko. I want to buy things! Prop weapons! Small costume accessories! Fun times! Along with that I have been looking at novelties… I want those too. Rubik’s cube, pin art, mood rings, mini play card deck, slinky! Eesh! I want too much. I have become materialistic. How sad.

Oh well.

I guess that is all I am writing other than notes.

On the 14^th and 28^th I need to change the filter.

The 19^th I see the damnable dentist.

~Ducker-roo-nee!

I am tired head wise, but that is okay. My sleeping is insane, thus normal. Not much has really been happening. Now that I am living a simple life, I no longer have “the deeper meanings and feelings” to write about. I suppose that is bad journal and writing wise, but I still like it.

I realize I will likely be as helpless as a child for the rest of my life. Sad, but I always was a dependent person. When I go out with my mother and brother, I have a habit to wait until both are in front of me and then I follow. I have had this habit for a long time. I always muse that I am like a shadow. I never really minded.

Some of me always questions if it is due to the influence of my sister, wrong of me to think of her whenever these sorts of thoughts come up, but it is true. She was a great impact in my life. Other times I wonder if it is merely my nature. Even before that – I was just a toddler though – I was the loner type. I never really played with my siblings; I just went off on my own. I never did well with things outside my “own little world” I suppose some might say.

I guess it is true. If you met me and we became very close, I would likely show you a story I wrote. Few have ever read it. Even less have seen how far it has grown. I speak of the characters in it often with two friends. I speak about it often. Like a character from a manga I have read, I speak about them as though they are human.

I suppose that is the thing I like about writing the most. You can know “people” or “creatures” perhaps more than they know themselves. Other times you can be at loss because the character exhibits things about yourself that you do not even understand. In that world things can understand you, or you can understand that world better than you ever could in the one you occupy physically. Perhaps that is why people enjoy television so much.

I believe I am becoming somewhat dependent on Eileen and Erin. I somewhat wonder if they have taken to me in such a way. I cannot know from my viewpoint of course. I suppose it is good to have a dream… something to hold onto. I suppose I have always wanted to live with a friend – if not together, then to live side-by-side.

Our relationship is still young. I have known them since the beginning of 2003. We feel like “soul siblings” though. We scheme things together and want to show one another things. I feel good with them. I just hope they feel the same with such intensity, for dreams can be silly and unrealistic. It is even harder when it is a dream that is shared and depends on all the members to make it come true. When shared it relies on all members to fulfill it and if one leaves or all break up the dream can shatter.

We have whimsical dreams to add onto the dream of us meeting and living together. There are silly ideas that are insane but fun to talk about. Others can happen and sound fun. I want to find a place that makes great German potato salad and eat it with them.

Perhaps a dream is a story you wish to live out – a book that you are a character of.

The girls want me to go to a convention with them someday. I have not the money, we have never met, I would never travel alone, it depends on what my mother thinks, et cetera. It would be very nice to meet them in the flesh though.

I want them to meet my cat and for me to meet theirs. I want to see their room and have them see mine. I know their voices and I have already fallen in love with them. I am curious of how we compare stature wise, what their scent is, their disposition in real life… all of the things you can not acquire just through a phone or a computer.

Who knows? Perhaps it will not happen, but I hope it does. All I can do is hope. Many dreams I have had never happened. I can only hope…

Well, I am tired still. I suppose that is enough of typing. Additional tidbits are the following:

My brother paid me back on the ten dollars he borrowed.

Next Friday I will see the psychiatrist.

The 13^th or the 27^th I will see the dentist.

~The Vampire Sheep-Owl