Well, I do not think much went on the past week. Only thing notable I can recall was seeing Dr. G on Monday with the pill plan proving successful. She gave us something, we left and that is about it.

Somewhere in the week I did go over my story a bit. Yeah, it is “complete”, but I know there are still plot holes. They were just cases I could not find a way to sneak in the explanation to certain occurrences. It is still vague, but a better sense has been left, I think.

Despite doing loans, I decided to buy some books and DVDs I’ve had on a list since probably back to my high school years. Yeah, I ration. The trigger was a DVD that usually costs twenty-five bucks going down to ten. I had to go for it.

The same scenario went along at some other place. Two DVDs that usually cost about 22 dollars a piece were put together in a pack for about ten bucks. Hell, yeah I’m going to get it. I’m so dorky.

Um… my dad came down during the weekend. It was a good visit. It was pretty much the same as always really. Come Sunday my eldest brother journeyed down to join us for dinner. Damn, the potatoes rocked that night.

The only sour note occurred when I was just waking up from a nap. My brother was talking to Mom and Dad about the house’s gas bill and how he could not pay it. Despite he admitted to his lack of good financial decisions played in, that did not solve the case of money. So, sadly my father had to pay.

Monday was the day misfortune befell my mom. Her ankle is sprained. She thought it was her Achilles tendon, but we now think otherwise. She did something to it through yoga. She just did a move wrong somehow. It did not bother her that day, but by Monday morning she woke up limping. Poor, poor Mom… she went to work regardless.

I swear she gets more injuries while doing things that is supposed to be good for her health than otherwise. She did say that that particular ankle had caused her problems since she was around twelve though… so… who knows?

Oh, yeah… my brother has issues with his tennis… elbows? I think that is the word to describe it. He had to see the doctor on Monday around nine or ten. He’s on anti-inflammatory medicine now. It is likely due to his job.

Later on my father and I went out to do some errands. One dealt with my eldest brother and his license… what it was, I have no idea. Then there was something that dealt with me. We had to go to the SSA building.

As mentioned elsewhere in this journal, due to retirement coming up, my father found good news in my financial future. Well, he was called on Saturday or he called there and something was worked out so that Tuesday I would be called by a woman there and be asked questions. That made me nervous enough that it showed well and my father wished to try to get it done while being here.

That did not work out. No one could really help us… so… after much talking, with my mother included by phone despite she was a work, we worked something out. My mother took off half a day today and came home. I figured that was good after she told me it was acceptable due to having vacation time still backed up and that it was half a day… I think. Yes, it is not clear to me, but it was something like that.

The rest of the day carried on and then night came. I stayed up late and talked to Kyle this morning during the ungodly hours. At a single moment, something struck me. I considered him family. I mean, I take to him as family from what I can see. In how long our relationship has been… about seven years now, I have always acted with him as though he were my family.

Friendship is an odd word in my case. I had trouble seeing him as a friend when we met and I have trouble calling him a friend even now. However, I have noticed… family… yes.

With friends, I never could pour out my thoughts and issues. I was able to do that with him. A friend to me was a person who poured out all their problems to me and then suddenly seemed to forget I existed until they needed a bartender again.

Kyle though… even though I did the pouring, I always ended up telling him I was sorry for telling him my problems, especially since they were usually always the same issue. I guess… I did not want him to feel like I was using him like how my friends made me feel like when they used me.

Even now, when we do not really talk and just exchange a few words once in a while…

Well, that was when I realized he was always like family to me and that we act how I know family to be. I’m very much this way with those I am closest to. I’m relatively distant.

Usually if I ever talk much, it is over my medical psyche, the troubles of others I know, and just hearing someone else’s day. Once in a while there will be reminisce. Overall though, I usually am just shut up in my room and doing my usual activities or I am keeping the house tidy.

Spending time with family usually means doing errands or watching television together as far as I am concerned. There is not much talking there on my part most of the time. Pretty much… I think it is the same with Kyle.

He was busy with something, so I kept quiet the rest of the time and eventually left to take a shower. While away, I thought about my wall. “Thank you, Shreddery… for still coming by once in a while and standing on the other side of it.”

I found it interesting that… he was still there. I found it interesting that I was no longer feeling paranoia and telling myself that he was going to leave since that is what everyone before had done. I found it interesting that I did not even think. All I did was have a subconscious feeling, “I see him as family.”

Anyway, when I returned he had turned in for the night? Maybe went to class? I really do not know. Saying goodbye is not often a custom between us. I think I went to sleep after that. Yeah. I woke at nine and got up at ten because the A/C was down low so I did not want to leave my warm covers. I did chores and later had a headache. I rested for a while until one o’clock came and my mother came home.

Well, no call occurred until maybe three or so. The woman said she would call at one-thirty. Evil. Well, I mainly said, “Uh”, “Yes” and “Okay”. I likely looked bewildered to my mother and I was getting one of my “phone” headaches. It was good that my mother was there… because some things were very… Well, I did not remember the conversation clearly, let us say that.

I eventually said something that directed the woman to speaking with my mother after everything was settled. While they talked, I just sort of went into a fog and stared at our orange cat like a nut, I guess.

So… it seems I am an “Adult disabled child”. No longer under… whatever it is I was before… maybe it was just that SSI they would say every once in a while… Well, my mother explained I was now going to Medicaid under the state rather than the federal government.(Can you tell I wrote some of this down in notes? No? Oh well. I did.)

From what I understand, due to my father no longer working and thus no longer getting the income we are accustomed to, certain expenses or whatever that dealt with me would not be covered or some sort… (I could be completely stirring up a nonexistent theory though) so I am getting more than I did before due to this.

My mother said the woman’s words had something about me being “entitled to higher benefits” since I’ll be under his retirement record. If you don’t get the gist, pretty much I’m as lost in this matter as I was in Spanish class. I pick up a few words, get a vague idea in some areas and that is it. Lo siento. No comprende.

So… I should be getting… about twice the amount of money than before come November when my father’s retirement is all set up and he is able to move down here. As usual, my parents were ecstatic at the good news. It puts them at ease to know that I will likely do well enough financially for my life time come the future. Mom said my dad was near in tears from relief/happiness/something. Well, at least they had some good news for once.

Me? Well, as my mom told my dad on the phone… my reaction was the usual about the news. “She’s like, ‘So?’” I corrected her that I was more along the lines of, “…okay?” I mean, it is a relief. I will say that. Now I don’t have to worry (well, cynically predict and tell myself to prepare for) life on the streets as a nutcase without medication who lives off trash.

I mean… What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down, go yippity-doo-dah-day and think up how I’m going to spend my money? Uh… no. I’m not the sort. I really intended to give half of my income to my parents to help in house payments, but my mother was against that… She says I’ll just work my way and likely pay only two-hundred. Well, I’ll just write three then.

Mom also says maybe I’ll be able to make up a savings account some day. Okay. I shrug. She also made note that it would be useful that I do as I do… after all, should my family (particularly my parents) befall too much of a financial crisis, I’ll be able to help during those times. I’m fine with that then.

Why all the thoughts of giving my parents a good share of the money? I live under their house; they helped and guided me in all of this. Pretty much, other than my mother’s note about my therapist mentioning the SSI to her in the first place and my medically proven disability, none of this would have been possible…

I have no idea where I am going on this now. Damn… Um…

Well… I guess that is it. My mind has suddenly gone blank… sort of… Right…

Well, this entry will begin quite bluntly. This is about learning the “mystery” of sex. Heh, not exactly though. Where the hell did this come from and why on this? I need to rant out something that always bothered me about my sister. Yeah, same old tune, but if it does not get out, I’ll stew.

How did this come along? Water heaters. Yeah. I was in the shower, wondered about the water heater and then automatically thought of how my mother told me the other day how when older I’d likely need to live in a condominium.  I love my flighty mind.

Look at condominium. Take away half of the letters. Yeah. It reminded me of my sister. Not like that, you pervert. She and I were watching a comedy one day and a vapid joke about condoms came up. I laughed and my sister apparently thought I was too ignorant to understand the joke.

She asked me if I knew what a god damn condom was. I floundered on that and she automatically assumed I really had no clue. Thus she told me how she hated those who acted like they knew what was going on just to fit in. Sorry, Sis, but maybe I did not feel comfortable telling you, “It is protection that is stuck on a guy’s dick before a couple have sex.”

It happened before. A song was playing on the radio and I was lightly singing along with it. My sister turns and asks me if I even knew what the song was about. The same old tune and I felt more resentment for her. Why in the world did she think I’d be comfortable about talking about anything sexual with her?

Yeah, I was young, but I likely knew all the sex crap before she did. No, I am not a sex-fiend. I just learned early in life.

My sister even dragged me to her room one day to give me the “talk” with one of her friends for help. Pretty much I was uncomfortable and not amused. Eventually I said in the middle of it, “I already know.” I think I even bluntly told her the fine points in a simple sentence. She was blown away.

She then of course did that accusatory look. How did I know? I shrugged and said I just knew. I knew probably since I was seven. She asked me if I had watched something like porno. God… Maybe I just knew more than her and she just did not need to bother? Why the hell did she care anyway?

Yeah. Well, that is the rant.

Well, yesterday was long. Mother and I left home around ten I think? I had woken at eight, took a shower, ate and got myself “packed”. I have started bringing my Discman (Aren’t I just ancient?) and some CDs. They always end up being the same ones.

I stuffed them in my messenger bag, something I have not used in almost a year, a journal and a bottle of water. I tend to have an amount of time to kill when there. My mom bleaches her hair and then gets it cut, so that takes about three hours while I take thirty minutes. Har.

Well, the two hour drive was full of talking actually. It might have been because I did not sleep well the night before, thus I was loopy. Loopy means I’ll talk a lot. I thought I had told her about the weird dude from my childhood. I wrote about him and placed it up n my site, actually. I call him the “Watcher”.

Yeah, though… I thought I told her about him in better detail like I had in my small “tribute” to him. I guess I did not. So I told her things when they came to mind. His looks, how he talked to himself, all that jazz. It seems she had a completely different visual. Oh well.

I think she was a bit surprised with how nonchalant I was about talking about him… considering he sounded freaky and scary. Well, I got used to him. He was a regular occurrence and he did not do anything to me, so yeah. I see him as just another odd memory of my youth.

We spoke of a few other things, but I really cannot remember them, I fear. I know we spoke of my dad, a bit about the family members… other than that… no.

We got to the state capitol and as usual it was packed with traffic. It is one of the highly populated areas of the state. My mother showed agitation, not like other members of my family, but I could tell through subtle signs.

We arrived in good time nonetheless. She and I stopped by Lens Crafters at the mall, but soon her hair appointment got in the way, so she said she’d return later. We split ways then, since mine would not begin until another 45 minutes.

Since I was on the top level, I hit a movies/music store.  I had jotted down a few movies and their prices. As the case stood, I’d get a better deal getting them online, so I left the place soon after.

I killed most of my time in the book store. It is not of wide selection or variety, and I usually never find anything I am looking for, but I go anyway. I pulled my journal out and looked around for two books I jotted down, with titles and prices listed on the ‘net. One I never found, which the usual case was. I found the second one and saw it was a decent enough deal, so bought it after browsing the entire store – a ritual.

I checked the time and decided to head to the hair place. I still had twenty minutes o kill though, so I headed to Earth Bound. I never find anything I would by there either, but I go anyway. I tend to be hopeful that some day I’ll find something and for the other case, it is just to look.

I soon had to leave. Half of my hair was chopped off and I told my usual hair dresser about my household’s state as of late. When through, I paid and left back for the EB store. Getting a thorough look, I actually did get something though I knew it was not practical and that I would have nowhere to put it.

I wished to get a stainless steel ring, but damn it, I was not going to pay the amount for such a small thing. Anyway, I talked with a girl who had been working there for only three weeks. It was pleasant. I eventually left, checked on my mother’s progress and then left for the bench outside the salon to kill time.

I did not think I’d been in the mood for reading, but the book was light, amusing and did not really take so much of my concentration. Usually I immerse myself in books, must have silence and read through it with little to no breaks. This book was different.

I has settled myself at a table with two chairs a walk away from the salon since the damn bench was taken. Took out my music to block out the rest of the mall and read. I remember laughing and likely making facial reactions. I read up almost to chapter four before I decided to check on my mother again, since it was nearing four by then.

She was still getting the finishing touches, thus her hair was still wet. I found my body was freezing and covered in goose bumps then as well, since my mind was not preoccupied. I settled in an unoccupied salon chair and resumed what I had been doing before as I waited.

Soon they were done. We left to finish up my mother’s business in the Lens Crafter’s place and then left. Thank god. I was hungry by then. It has been eight hours and thirty minutes spent only drinking water.

We ate at Soup and salad. It is a great little place. I usually just get some cold pasta, without the additional salad embellishments. They have breads and these cool tortilla crust pizzas. I often get a breadstick or two and a few cheese slices. For the first time I even got some soup, but it might have been because it was minestrone. I have had not had that in a long time.

The interesting thing is, I actually went back for a second helping of soup and a breadstick. Yeah, ever since summer, my appetite has slowly grown. Now I have been eating three meals a day. It relieves my mother and likely others, but it freaks me out.

What can be said? It has been determined that change does not usually bode well with me. Well, this was one of those times. It bothers me. Sure, it is the healthy thing, but when have I ever abided to normalcy in health concerns? Well, I go with it.

When done, Mom and I left to visit my great aunt. I love her like she is my grandmother. I guess it is because I never really knew mine. She died when I was around eleven, I believe. Anyway, the traffic was terrible. I figured it was a four cornered thing. One, this is summer. Two, it was Friday. Three it wasfive o’clock. Four, we are Irish – a joke no one understands other than me. Heh.

Well, we finally got to our destination an hour and a half latter, a trip that usually takes twenty minutes. It was short, but pleasant. We talked. Lillian made cake, and we politely took a slice each. Mom relayed the “Egyptian Plagues of July 2007” to her with my occasional inputs to help her recall correctly. There was much amusement and laughing. My “aunt”, but actually Mother’s cousin, came by the time we were in the middle of talking about the rat my mother named “Willard” – some sort of book character she said. The conversation went on and I learned that my great aunt was fearless about snakes and rats, unlike my mother. Heh. She will kill snakes. An ax or hoe and she will dice it until it cannot be recognized.

Well, we had to leave soon. One it was getting dark. Two, Lillian was starting to get tired, according to my mom. I don’t notice such things I fear. My great aunt suffered from the loss of her husband, as I mentioned somewhere in this. He was “Uncle Benny” to me. That is one case. The other part is she has heart problems.

I really do believe she enjoyed the visit though. I’m glad for that.

Well, my mom and I set off then. It was around seven thirty. She decided to take me down memory lane with her. We went to see where the house she grew up in was and she talked about her childhood. I appreciated the rural sights. It was very nice. After that, we were on the highway headed for home.

Somehow we got back to talking about that lucid figment of mine again. She once more is reminded that there was much she never realized about me when I was a child. I once again observed that I have a strange mind, odd reactions and that apparently things I never think of as important to my psyche are missing puzzle pieces that help solve my… problems at being normal? In any case, in the process we also made more discoveries about my childhood and what was really going on. I’m not too sure, but okay. She’s the expert on mental cases.

It seems most of my mania showed in my childhood. Then by middle school it sort of took the form of how one really views a bi-polar person. After that it became more depression focused. Okay then. How nice.

Well, soon we came to be home, we dallied a bit, like putting things up. I spent time with all the cats to make up for not being able to see them that day and then headed for bed. ‘Took a shower and hit the pillows.

I woke up mid morning today, ate something, but found my head was too out of it. I lay back down and had a light snooze, I think. When I got up it was around one, perhaps? I did chores, found a lake of dog piss in the dining room and worked on that lovely issue. My mom finally came back from getting her nails done. We ate respective lunches and then went grocery shopping. The day was long.

After putting everything up, my mother admitted to possibly requiring a nap. I said I would likely lie down as well, but would instead read. It seems our predictions rang true. I finished that book, and it was very good. It remained a light read. I needed no deep concentration and… well… I was not mentally drained after it. It was surprising.

When I went to add it to my shelf of all my read books, I discovered another thing. It did not really go along with any of my other books. Most of the books that were of similar genre were grim or some other case that… well… it made me notice I am still extremely solemn.

Well, that is all. I started this after reading the book, checking the laundry and settled here. I know naught of any real occurrences coming along in the future other than obvious or already mentioned. Interesting.

Let us see… I seem to be the best situated out of all my family members.

My sister has graduated and has a degree. She also has gone three months without a job, and does not seem to be getting one anytime soon. Some of that is because she expects to get a high paying job placed in her lap just because she has a degree. The other part is that she will not set her sights lower and take up a low wage job. Also, she has been living with my eldest brother, which is insane since they hate each other.

My eldest brother is going through hell. He has a job he hates that does not pay well and a sister that he is terrified of who makes him feel like shit. I know how that is, except you need to replace the job part with when I was in school. Even though he is four years older than her, she is a terror. He is her opposite much like I am when it comes to personality.

My sister will yell at my parents. She will bitch at anyone. She will call you the cruelest things and not give a damn about it. About the only person she does not do that to is my other brother, but that is because he is not afraid of her, nor does he mind the idea of physically reacting.

Now, with that brother, as said, he borrowed money from me the other night. Well, guess what happened to him today to top that? His empty, parked car got rear ended by an empty car that was running and yet was supposed to be parked. After the incident, the other party ran for his car and took off.

Now, people knew the perpetrator or they got his license plate – something like that. Well it took a while to track him down. The car was not his but his girlfriend’s and then there were other things that went over my head about insurance and the like. All I know is that the other party’s car has the same insurance as ours, so suing is not an option if things do not work out.

Well, my mother gets all of this news. She is in debt and is still trying to catch up, due to the brother with the smashed car stealing tons from her when he was drugged up. She has been late on some payments and the like, I think. She no longer can do the few luxuries she has been able to have done – massage therapy on Thursdays. I say she needs those Thursdays, I really do.

So, with her problems and both my brothers’ issues, she is getting depressed. She needed to talk to someone about it. She makes the mistake, she admits, of calling my father to talk about it.

My father gets upset, he admits t her that he internalizes things. He is codependent. My mom said he was something that started with an “e”. It meant that he helps people cause their own problems. The case is that he helped my brother get the car instead of having him get it on his own. My mother wanted said brother to endure his truck and wait until had had the money saved up. Well, we all know how that went.  

My dad is getting depressed and either he admitted suicidal or my mom is thinking he is getting to that point. I also found out as of late that is drinks a lot. My mom fears, thinks or both that he is an alcoholic. Huge hint was when he said that this just had to be the year he stopped drinking. How nice.

In any case, as one can tell, she came in here and spoke of all these problems to me. She sat on my bed, sniffled and maybe even cried some. I really do not know what to do. Sigh.

It is the luck of the Irish.

Well, this week has been a blur. This is mainly due to days spent mainly on research. I have a new “project”. It may fail. It is another shrine site. In between I am trying to finish up my other sites and do all the other daily routine things. I have given so many tasks to myself that I am not having trouble remembering or simply lack the time to do all of them.

Sigh.

Anyway, somewhere in this week the rat finally died as it had been caught by the trap. We only came to this conclusion when flies suddenly infested the house. My mother of course sent my brother to rid the house of it. I remember very little else for the week.

Last night my mother came into my room to rant out all of her problems. They regard my eldest brother and my sister. This is nothing new, so I doubt I’ll go into it. Her third problem dealt with her dog. It is not so much a problem anymore I think, but she did get a bit upset over a phone call she had with the woman who sold him to her. The woman said that at the age he is now, for him to still be running around like he is on speed gives indication that he will likely stay that way. Therefore, our yard is dead for good.

Sigh… um… This morning my mother noted her joint account checks are used up, so she only has about three hundred dollars in usable money through her private account. Therefore she will be shopping for groceries sparingly today. I suppose I’ll go on as normal and likely add in cleaning supplies I usually do not get to my list.

Oh yeah, despite the strong connection and it having the speed of 11 Mbps, the Internet is horrendously slow and often loads not a page the first time. I am getting off now.

Well, I’ve been getting some things done. I bought some hosting on a spur of a moment sort of deal. I have been creating and destroying web pages for a little over half a decade now. Well, that is such a waste of html crunching, designing, editing and other BS. So, when I was crunching out codes and making a new site again on one of those free hosting sites… certain things began to annoy me again. Therefore, I could either destroy the site like the others… or… I’d take a gamble.

For a while I was going up and down on Libra’s scales. I have poor ability to translate things. Yes, I speak English, but I cannot understand simple concepts, apparently. Anyway, I searched about web hosting sites. You won’t believe how many I started filling out and then stopping because I began second guessing and getting confused. In the end I wound up back at the first place I had considered. As things usually work for me when making a decision, I said “Well, if I screw myself over, then I screw myself over.” I bought a place on the 31st of May.

Well, after that was settled I began my move. I had one site that was more or less complete and another one that I was in the middle of making. I spent a few days moving them. Anyway, it was just tonight, well yesterday evening, did my site get activated. I was giddy for a few minutes and then I hit to crunching codes. Now both my sites are functioning smoothly from my side of the Internet.

I did not think I’d really install a blog, since I had one elsewhere, but then I figured, I’ll see if I am able to and if it works, then I will move. Why? I’m paying for the place. I might as well get my money’s worth. So, here this baby is.

I really wanted to make my own layout, but I do not know enough about creating blog templates, so I just changed the color codes and a few width codes on the “Theme fSpring design” by Fredrik Fahlstad. I then did my own banner for the top. One day I’ll figure out how to do my own thing in regards to blog themes… some day.

Um… I am somewhat brain dead now… so… I guess I’ll stop here.

Ah… websites that were all in basic html and what was considered fancy were left side frames for listing, animated gifs, tiled backgrounds that did not always lace or were pictures that were simply faded, tacky separators, clear tables with thick borders, midi music in the background and an occasional water/lake java applet. Hello, mid 90’s.

I’ve been meandering about the Internet and once in a while during this spring I would see if there were any sites that I went to back during those times were still around. Many aren’t, but the times I found one that was still alive, I’d become nostalgic.

This one site is over a decade old now. It looks completely different, but it still homes fictions from old times. I read through some and stumbled upon “authors” I loved when young. There would be notes that implicated how old they were at the time and it would amaze me how much time had passed.

It is recently have I really been at it. I’ve been looking at sites I never was aware of from back then, but it is apparent the pages are from such “era”. They just have that look.

Another factor is when there are certain images used in galleries that will make the site shout out “I’m a senior!” What spurred this recent site searching was due to searching for an old picture I never saw around on more up to date pages. I found it on old pages easily.

I forgot however, that back in those days pictures were smaller… because the biggest screen resolution back then was 800×600! Also, scanners were not great and the only format around was jpg that slowly deteriorated the picture’s quality as other sites stole/borrowed/used the pic from somewhere else…

Oh, another nostalgic thing… no thumbnails! Half the image gallery pages one encountered did not use thumbnails!

Oh… and the big banners… they were usually around 400×100 in size… Some were in forms of silly awards given to the site, some to be placed at the top or bottom of the page to tell you where you were, or for linkage.

Heh… yep… there is much nostalgia. Those sites can get away with midis and java lakes. They can do so because they are static and they are like an old teddy bear you used to call Mr. Snuggles but cannot bear to throw him away, so you keep him hidden in a sock drawer and pull him out for a warm fuzzy feeling every once in a while…

Many are broken links now, however… I wish the people just left the sites they made back then up. I mean they took the time to make it back then, why throw it away? Memories, people! Memories! Perhaps they would be considered embarrassing maybe… but… wah… There are just some pages I remember distinctly and miss greatly now. Good times…

Anyway… there really is not as much to write now, or I just cannot remember this passed week that well… I think I saw Cindy. Sometime in the middle of the week two women came by. They made me nervous… but most people make me nervous, so I took it as normal. They talked to me probably for half an hour while on my doorstep about God. I mainly tried to understand what they were talking about and why they were there.

I never knew what Jehovah Witness people are other than that not many people like them… I did not know that is what they were at the time, but my mother saw the magazines they gave me and threw them away the moment I handed them to her once she got home. After that I became anxious and more confused really.

I found I still handle stress the same way as usual. I either try not to think, ignore or sleep so I do not have to do either. Simply put, I felt sick for a while. Stress was from wondering how to identify people like that again, how to handle the situation, try to comprehend what was so terrible, hoping they would not come again, Mom made me nervous by her reaction, etc…

My dad came down but I was asleep most of the time because I took what my mom dubs “a chill pill” at a dosage that was more than usual. He left this morning.

Um… other than that, I have a dental appointment this Wednesday. Oh, joy…