Around noon time I was drifting off for a nap when my mind wandered to things that happened when I was little. I don’t remember the name exactly, but I couldn’t help but think of a movie… “The Butterfly Effect”? In any case, the times the main character would look at old family videos or pictures, he was able to go back to that moment and change it. I mused on how I would have handled things differently. I do that on occasion, but soon trash it. I trash it because while there are many things about my past I wish would have gone differently, I am mostly content with my present.

Anyway… the day continued on and the thoughts before were lost on a conscious level. They reappeared around ten tonight. I was taking a shower and my mind drifted like it often does. I recalled some more “childhood memories” and it was then the realization hit me: by the time I was of preadolescence, my way of survival was “no one is dependable.” I never consciously thought or realized that before until this night, but with all the times I did try to seek help, all the times I held out a hand… it was always denied.

I never knew my sister as someone I could depend on. I came to believe I couldn’t depend on my parents somewhere in the middle of elementary school. Around the same time I found I could depend on neither of my brothers. In between that I learned there are teachers who either assume, don’t listen or take advantage of the fact that you are little and they are authority figures. It was perhaps the time I was transitioning to middle school, or my first year there did I learn my friends weren’t dependable either.

Thus… when my mental problems began to take a dark turn around the time I was in sixth grade… it never occurred to me to reach out. It never came to mind to rely on my parents or friends. By then I was quite conditioned to “handle it myself”.

Times before when looking back… when asked “why didn’t [I] speak up or tell [anyone]” I figured, “I thought [you were] aware and just didn’t care.” Now though… I don’t think that was the case.

While, yes… I thought “[they] just didn’t care”… I feel rather certain now that it was, “I thought if I told you, you still wouldn’t care or would not do a thing anyway.”