The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality – cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you’re told that you’re loved. You’d like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future… one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You’ll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You’ll do anything for love, but you won’t fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I had a nice chat with Kyle Friday morning. I saw a picture of his boyfriend. They look cute together. I wish them luck. Other than that, the morning was uneventful, but that is to be expected. I had awoken around five, which was two hours after I had gone to bed. I did some chores, took a shower around seven and at some point, I have no idea when, I went back to sleep. I awoke again around ten thirty. I was up for the remainder hours fooling around on the computer.

My dad arrived around one thirty. Soon after, we hit the grocery store. My mother was not there so I had to guess at what to get her. We got back, put up groceries and I think by three to four I went to bed. I awoke again around six when my parents left for the party. The rest of the day was uneventful. CP and Neko lacked in making appearances, but they are likely preoccupied with college or their parents. Oh, and SED is annoying.

Saturday was spent mostly sleeping really. I had stayed up late into the night hoping to get a glimpse of one of the girls. No such luck occurred. The day is relatively a blur. Oh, we stopped at the “mall” to get my mother a scarf and hat. Whilst there, I looked for a black tie. The day before, when my father and mother returned from the party, I tried on his tie and found I liked it… so much that I wanted one of my own. I did not want any of his… just a black one would do nicely.

Also whilst snooping around, my father saw a hat that he thought screamed my name. I tried it on for the heck of it. I liked it so wore it throughout the store until they told me to take it off lest the workers think I was out to steal it. I mean, hey, if it was going to be bought what reason was there… It was bought and I wore it home.

At some point, around five we went out to eat. I do not remember the name… other than it had to do with “Jefferson”. The place was okay. After glancing through the menu, I thought I was doomed. It was full of meat and seafood dishes. Both things are not of my preferences. I lucked out by getting a plate full of the side orders… “Veggie plate”. The end of the meal it was decided to get cheesecake. I was not necessarily interested in the kind they had there. It seems my judgment was correct. My mother got me one for whatever reason was in her head. I had told her I was freakishly full. Oh well. She got a different kind for herself and my brother had chocolate cake with ice cream on the side. I tried my share. I tried hers. I gave mine to my father. My ways are plain and simple. It is something I have come to expect.

On the way back, we stopped by Hastings and Blockbuster since my father was in search of a movie he mentioned to me. I expressed an interest to watch it. Being who he is, if I show even the faintest interest or knowledge of something I “must” have it… or something like that. Eesh.

Both cases were fruitless, but my brother got two rentals and the entire family here watched one of them. I saw my share in that one movie, so I guess I will save the movie my father wanted me to see later.

Yeah, I got ahead of myself. We did get the movie he wanted me to see. Well, my brother was the one who got it. He stopped by Wal-Mart after we got home to look for it. If I wake up late into the night, maybe I will watch it. If not, I will see it tomorrow or the like. Other than that, the day was uneventful. I think I might wear the tie everyday. It is comfortable.

Sunday was uneventful. I woke up around nine; my mother and father were missing so I assumed they went to church. My brother was gone, I believe. It was to go bowling with his fellow workers. I did my chores and eventually took a shower. When my parents returned I meandered outside my room, since my dad would be leaving at some point, so I had best see him as much as possible before he went.

Sadly, I was feeling very tired still, so I likely lacked in being there. Happily, my family understands me for the most part. I did hug him a lot though. I was dozing off some at the nearing point of my father’s leaving and then he went. I waved him bye.

After that, I retreated to my room and hit the bed. Most of the day was spent there. I suppose it was to be expected. I got up and did chores or read here and there, but lacked in consciousness for the most part. I think mother gave me my medicine though.

At some point, after doing some laundry and the like, I stopped to watch that movie my father was adamant about getting me the other night. It was okay. I was apparently expecting more from it, but it was good enough. It was rather slow and uneventful. The main character’s back-stories were what were the most interesting if anything. I believe I expected more for the ending as well. I guess it would be like a book that I liked enough to read, but would not care to buy. Who knows though? I might want to watch it again come one of these days.

My mother had ordered pizza some while earlier. My brother came into my room some point near the end of the movie to tell me so as well as something about him buying me a Christmas gift. I made one of those comments where the words would seem callus but are not… or something like that, I believe. Maybe it was just a scolding. I never care for people “surprising” me. I do not do well with things that I do not know about, especially in terms of my birthday and Christmas. I say what I wish for, and expect only that much or less. To receive something unexpected somewhat deters me I believe. It makes me uncomfortable. Usually in dealings with Christmas, I do not like it when someone gives me something and I lack the ability to return the favor.

My mother says that it is not about that, that my brother wants to do it and it is therapeutic for him in terms of how he was in previous years or something. That does not change things from my standpoint though. I suppose it is my… estranged ways to things. Well, not exactly estranged, as that is more of a negative term… but what I speak of does deal with detachment. I was helping my mother hand up some last minute ornaments and made comment about it in a way. Her dog was barking and it was annoying me. The conversation went on and eventually I noted that I was not much of a dog person, maybe I even said animal… I cannot be certain. I paused and then noted that I was not much of a human person either and she agreed.

That caused me to think of how agoraphobic I would still be if I were alone outside. I function just dandy when out shopping with my mom or be it someone else of the family. I feel comfortable enough to meander on my own at times even. It is when I cannot find whoever I came with do I start to panic. I also think of scenarios of if I were to have come alone, just how awkward and lost I would be. That is my dependency right there. I am relatively fine being someone’s shadow. I always have been I think. I wonder what I would do without my family here. My guess is that I would either become a hermit and lack function to leave the house, or I would eventually learn to get used to such things.

It is hard to tell. I remember how well I did in the end of schemes when it came to school. In the very end, I cracked and went good-bye. I have strange thoughts too. I have mentioned want for a gas mask. People ask why, and truthfully, I do not know. I think they look neat, I guess. I saw a man walking somewhere – likely home – with groceries in his hand. I thought of how I would likely be doing the same thing when older, since I do not drive. I saw myself doing the job in a gas mask. I think it was because the air outside bothered me that day.

Anyway, my mother eventually asked me to polish three things of silver… a tray, a sugar bowl and a cream holder. I got to work on that. In the midst of it I asked my mom if I struck her as the type who appeared to be patient. I ask this because I know I am not. She answered no. I knew she was aware I lacked patience, so I repeated what I meant. She then replied to someone who did not know me well would likely think I would be patient. I thought that would be the case. I need to have it affirmed. I think that is why I ask questions, pertaining to me, towards Kyle and her. I know I do not understand how things work in terms of how one acts and the like. I like to know what I do to get the gist of how I react to the world. I will not understand how I do things incorrectly, but I would be able to tell that I did whatever occurred. I wonder what that makes me really.

Oh yeah, the polish’s smell and chemicals were getting to my eyes. Either my mother or me mentioned that the gas mask would be put to use whenever I did such chores.

I fell asleep again after that. I woke up again around nine I believe. Around ten or so, Neko showed up much to my pleasure. I gave her and her sister my “Christmas gift” early. Based on past years, it seems the safest thing to do. In turn, and much to my surprise, she sent me a birthday gift they made for me. I guess I am still not used to the idea, because they have sent me things before. Well, when two rolled around I shooed her off because of the possibility of her going to school. The rest of the night I worked on the epilogue of my story. I had not felt pleased with the ending of it, but did not know what to do about it for the longest time. It came to me that night. I got to work on it and finished around three or four. I went to bed then.

My mother woke me an hour later on Monday morning to give me my medication. I fell asleep again after that. Almost all of the daylight hours were spent sleeping. Time awake was merely spent on cleaning. I did go back to look over the Epilogue written, since I did not the night before. It seemed to make sense. Oh yeah, and Kyle is a cool little bastard and I love him despite he is not actually little anymore. Damn him as well. Ah, love-hate…

I saw Neko that night and had a splendid time seeing her; despite we were our usual selves, meaning lack of conversation. I showed her some pictures I had sketched up and inked. They were nothing great; as I have not the patience for such things anymore – not that those works were considerably great either… But! I showed her them anyway. To my pleasure, she likes how I draw eyes. That is something I care about putting time in when drawing. We piddled after that and eventually I shooed her off to bed since she and her sister had their last exams looming over them the next day. I wished her luck.

I went to bed not too long after and woke again around five when my mother gave me my medication and some vitamins. I remained there for an hour… I do not remember why though. Well, I arose and hit to doing my chores. Dusting day, oh what a joy it is. Heh. After I finished with that, my mother wished me a happy birthday I believe… She gave me the books I had requested from my father. I was quite delighted at the sight of them and thanked her. For some reason she did a little ditty saying happy birthday in a singsong like voice and then explained she could not sing. I made some sort of comment that likely dealt with gratefulness that she did not.

I did some laundry and then headed for my room to skim through one of the books, which was more of a picture book comprised of pictures from an art exhibition. It was decent. Around the time my mother took leave, which was likely around seven I got to work on the longest book I got. It was somewhere in the four hundreds. I read it until four-twenty, with occasional stops in between for a shower, food, chores or letting the dog out. In the end, I was quite pleased with the book.

I took a nap when ten-forty rolled around and woke again around two-forty. Would you not know it? The net decided to f— with me just a minute or so before I awoke. I know this because CP tried contacting me and before the signal was cut off, it read the time the message was sent. Signing on was not allowed for me on anything net related. I noted this to my brother, since he was awake. When I was coherent enough again to consider my actions, I felt some guilt. He works hard during the night. He does not need the Internet being a pain to add onto his night. I get the feeling though, that if I told him to go back to what he was doing, he’d keep on trying to fix the problem until it is fixed or he has to give up.

I lounged in the living room for a while, waiting to either wake up or fall asleep. I ended up waking up. I saw something at the corner of my eye again. It was white again. Last time it happened was when I was passing my mother’s brightly lit bathroom. It was not shadows playing trick on me. The whole area was too bright. I swore I had seen a man in there though. He was pale and such, but I saw a human nonetheless. I of course ignored this because it was early morning, my mother had just left the room and I have had a history of this sort of thing thinking it was normal.

This time it was not as big. I was in the living room, as said. In a shadowed corner next to me what where I saw it. I thought it might have been my cat, since he was white. No… No, it was not. My cat was nowhere in sight. I looked all around the chair I was in and scanned the room. That cat had not been in there. After checking over again, I decided to write about it tonight. It was bothering me badly.

Huh. I always write this stuff out now. No wonder I keep up this thing. Despite 99.9% of the time it is utter bull, when the things that start bugging me occur, I can write it in this with ease out of habit. That is comforting I guess. Yeah. I remember now. I started writing because no one was there to talk to or tell things to. Either my friends did not understand me (which made sense considering I was bi-polar at the time so of course they did not understand someone such as I), or the person would be asleep and I was not very trusting back then anyway. Ah, therapy…

Well, I’ll quit this now. I have been writing things in more detail, as seen in my last entry. That is because I did something different last time. I typed out things that happened during the week into notepad and by then end of a week I posted it. I’m doing that now, but the cycle broke with the little number on the white-thing. Well, that was necessary. I still feel somewhat uneasy about it, I think, despite I wrote it out to ease my mind some.

Anyway, back to what was being noted. I am changing how I approach my way of journal writing. The reason is that my memory is dwindling more. I am sure I will have Alzheimer when older – huh, my brother gave up just now (3:19). My memory is worse and worse. I will be doing something like chores, for instance. I’ll be taking out the trash and as I step out the door I remind myself, that I will need to replace the trash bag when I reenter, but then I note that I’ll likely forget after I enter again in just a minute. True to what I have come to find, I forget. I go off and leave the trashcan now empty of a trash bag and go off to do something else. The next time I enter the kitchen does it come to me again that I need to replace the bag. It happens with laundry and the like.

It happens even with food. I will cook something because I actually feel hunger right then. I forget about the food soon enough after I start cooking it. An hour or so later, maybe longer, do I remember it. I think that is the main reason I am leery of stoves and ovens. Not only do I burn myself due to my careless head, I tend to forget that I was using it. That is not a good combination. I avoid learning how to cook properly because of such as well.

I think I will go to sleep after I eat. I am starting to feel tired again, I think. Part of me has belief that the reason I do not think as much or write out my thoughts as much as I used to is due to sleep. I sort it all out in my head, I assume. I would not know, since I do not remember dreams that much anymore, but I am sure I likely have them. Besides, I was lying down just now. I was thinking odd thoughts about if I may be loony. For all I know I could be making my entire family up or something. They could all be a figment of my version of reality… or maybe I am not real… not exactly. Maybe I am lacking sleep. Maybe I was more affected by the white-thing than I thought. Maybe I am simply thinking too much again… I swear my mother gave me my medicine though…

Oh well.

I went to bed close to four and awoke again around six on Wednesday morning for my pills. Eating did not seem appeasing, so 3/4 a waffle was wasted. I waited until seven to rise and I hit to cleaning. I then later read my other book, I think around eight. I finished it about two hours later. It was cool enough. I did some writing and then resumed sleeping again after I took a shower. I believe it was around ten by then. I woke again around one, I believe, and worked on writing some and then did two more sketches.

It is unanimous; I cannot draw that of the male sex. All of them turn out looking like pretty boys or boyish girls. Oh well. It was a bit amusing with one drawing though, since the guy likely would have been a pretty BOY, but he looked freakishly like a girl. Oops.

I did other chores after that, like vacuuming, since my brother was in the shower. I always try to do that sort of stuff when he is gone, and since he sleeps most of the day and then watches television… Well, I hate disturbing him.

Wednesday to Thursday morning is a blur. I know I did stuff, I just do not remember. I think it had something to do with organizing as well as all those ridiculous drawings I keep. I did my chores and stayed up until around eight I think. I slept until around one or two. I did more chores and then took a shower. The dog ruined the carpet again, after I cleaned the bloody thing yesterday. I dislike dogs greatly for such. Oh well.

The rest of the day was spent scanning in pictures. Interestingly enough I joined DA of all things. I think I gave in because I hated deleting things… and I am paranoid of ever losing things I hold dear. I only have a small portion of all my BS up, but it is fine with me. This will be a long and enduring process. I’ll likely lose sleep over it though. Damn. Oh well.

I am going to finish this now. I likely will be too preoccupied for this journal for a while.

~ Ciao.