I don’t dwell on the past anymore… not like how I used to. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember briefly on occasion though. When certain memories come, I wind up having things I would like to say but never will. This is one of those. Maybe with it written down, something will be put to rest… or at least given a long break.

Dear Gilbert,
I never was strong at math. In fact, no one in my family ever was. Still, like my sister I worked hard at it and wound up having you as my Calculus teacher on my junior year in high school. I heard good things about you and from the first days being in your class I knew you were a no nonsense sort of person. I liked that. Sadly, that wasn’t enough.
I did pretty well in the beginning. I followed along, did math problems on the board, took notes. It would be a challenging class, but I wasn’t moaning and groaning over that. I got through Algebra 1 and 11 didn’t I? No, it was when I needed help during tutoring hours did things become complicated.
I always tried to be a hardworking, honest student. I had my morals and have them to this day. I did my homework, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t let others cheat off me, I got my grades because I did my best – and half the time it was beyond my best. So, no… I wasn’t interested in favors.
When I ask for help from someone I don’t know well, it means I’ve hit the last turn before giving up. I didn’t know you well. I had you for only two months at best. I thought you were cool, though. In the end, I apparently still have vague resentments to this day.
I came in early or perhaps in the afternoon… I cannot recall clearly. Either way, I had done everything I could to try to figure out a math problem. I had worked it out as far as I could. I went back to look at notes I made. I read lessons in the book. I was at a standstill. As said, no one in my family was ever strong at math in the higher areas, so asking the only sibling I had who even made it to Calculus wasn’t going to work – I’m pretty sure she was away at college by then anyway. Yeah, I came in hopes to be given a push into the right direction. I didn’t even get that. Bitch.
I asked for your help. You told me to try again. Well, I already tried again, but if you don’t even know how to start, it is kind of impossible. I tried to explain that to you. Maybe you thought I was being another lazy teenager who doesn’t even try. I try to humor you, but I’m still at a standstill. You tell me to keep trying. I tell you I have been. I even go into explaining to you all I’ve done up to this point. I tell you I am not the sort to ask for help until I’m at the end of my rope. You give the same damn answer. Fuck you!
Your just as bad as the Honors English teacher I had the year before who didn’t listen to my question at all and automatically assumed I was an idiot who needed the basics to be told to her all over again really slowly. Bullshit!
I try to be patient, I do all my work on my own, I humor them when they are telling m things I already know… how the bloody hell am I supposed to get anywhere when the damn teachers won’t listen to the real problem? How is anyone supposed to learn anything when he or she isn’t even taught how to get the first foot through the door?
It is like there is a person choking with two others in the room. There is someone who knows the Heimlich and there is a person who doesn’t even know what the Heimlich is. The person who knows tells the one who doesn’t know, “Do the Heimlich on him.” The person who doesn’t know says, “I don’t know what the Heimlich is.” The other replies, “Try to do it anyway.”
It doesn’t work!
Even more, do you even realize that was what you were doing? Are were you really so bent on your belief that I wasn’t trying hard enough. Trying hard was the only reason I survived middle school to high school at all. Hell, I didn’t even survive high school. I went to alternative learning and finished both my junior and senior years in two months and two weeks. I wasn’t trying hard enough, huh? Bullshit.
I’m still sure you are/were a good teacher. I’m sure you’ve taught many great students who have gone on to be amazing in fields that required Calculus. I just know you were not a teacher for me or for anyone like me. I think that is the real shame here. Oh, well.