While dusting today I recalled last night. Mom and I were watching television as usual and in one scene a young detective was trying to work a suspect in the interrogation room. Serious and uptight, the suspect constantly goaded him because of that seriousness and in turn was amused by his ever so serious responses because it was obvious he was just becoming more infuriated
Seeing that, I thought, “I was likely played like that when in school.” Serious, uptight and paranoid… yeah, I fit the role well. With how others teased me… my anger and serious ways likely just amused them all the more. Oh, well.
Anyway, that led to another discovery I made a while back. My “peers” likely also saw me as a psycho. I had never thought of that possibility, but apparently… yeah… I think I likely was relatively psychotic back then as well. Despite knowing this, I find I wouldn’t change that.
If there is any truth I have come to believe in, it is the sincerity of emotions. I believe I should never regret those because they were how I truly felt at the time. Emotions don’t lie… only our perceptions of them and whatever reasons we create for their presence at the time can be.
I also don’t regret because in that, I had met Kyle. During that time I was hurting a great deal and from that hurt came the psychotic ways. Despite that, he was my friend.
We don’t see each other much anymore. We haven’t seen ach other in person for five years and around seven months. We kept contact over the internet though, but even that is dwindling. Despite that, I’m sure if he ever changes emails, he will let me know. I trust him, I believe.
Trust means a lot to me.
Despite the absence, the fact that we never lost a connection that says, “you can still find me whenever necessary” is what sealed the deal. I can’t recall if it was a promise or not, but he said he would be there always. I was uncertain of that five years ago. Now… I think I believe it completely.
The uncertainty back then? He knows why it was there. Times before with friends… such promises were empty. There was always separation. I expected in due time… be it months to years… he’d disappear like all the others. He hasn’t though. Every once in a while he sends signs of life. It is comforting.
Somewhere in the time frame of my dusting this morning a thought crossed my mind. I made a silent promise to myself once. I’d never try to kill myself again as long as someone needed me to remain on this earth. That came along after thinking how… if it wasn’t for Kyle, I actually wouldn’t be here today.
Anyway, I thought, “If I ever fall back to such desperation again… I‘ll make sure to contact him. I‘ll ask him, ‘Do you still need me around?’” Well, it would be something like that, anyway. I realized I decided that because I do believe his word. I believe that even in the far future, decades by now… I’ll still be able to contact him. I trust his word. It astounds me a bit… but it makes me happy.
I never thought such was possible.
Even though we don’t see each other much… I realize now that Kyle gives me hope.