Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me.
It has been okay so far… I’ve been paranoid on occasion, but he seems a heck of a lot better than the last guy. Talking with him for about half a week though… it is no different to me when I hold a brief conversation with someone I casually know, and I mean casually, or even when talking to others I only see a brief time… like when at a check out at the grocery store.
There just is no connection. He’s nice and all, but I feel no interest. At best I just think, “Well, at least I’m socializing a bit more doing this…” Oh, well.
Onwards… I saw the foot doctor yesterday. I got my orthodics and they are working out great so far. Admittedly my lower back is bothering me, but I really feel the change. Walking doesn’t feel awkward like it did before! Yosh!
Another thing happened yesterday too. I joined a new board on the twenty sixth… it is for asexuals. Well, from it, I learned the term for how I feel in another case. Agender. I always had trouble identifying with the sexes… I never felt I fit with girls, but I never felt like I did with boys either. On that site, I found my feelings aren’t so far fetched! There were others! It made me happy.
Despite all of this okay news though… In my most recent round of trying to get out there a bit, even if it is just via the net, it is just as hard as previous endeavors. I always try when I get these urges… I just… never seem to fit in no matter where I go. While I can relate to people on this board, I still feel like an outsider. I almost always feel this way when it comes to people.
It seems the only time I feel loneliness is when I actually try to find friends. In my search, I never seem to find a real connection with another… I just feel lost in a swarm of people. I become longing and sad. An ache enters my chest and I know loneliness.
Sigh…
It really got to me last night when I tried to go to sleep. The ache was there and I just wanted to hug someone. My parents were asleep though and I certainly wasn’t going to wake one of them up just because I needed a hug.
There have been a few people who managed to make me feel I belonged in my life… but they are few and fleeting. I remember how once I left high school, I’d read about a certain friend’s life and he changed so much… Well, he was essentially the same; he just entered a more social world. A similar ache and sadness occurred at that time. I hadn’t been able to watch these changes in him and I had no way of sharing such things with him… And I felt lonely because of that.
It had been that way back when I started middle school too. All of my friends from elementary school were all changing and drifting away. They had cliques they needed to join, new friends to hang with. Their interests changed to things I couldn’t understand. In the end, while it was all alien to me… I just felt like the alien. Again… I was the outsider.
It doesn’t help that I’m not particularly interesting. I know I’m not. I lack the ability to follow many conversations as well…
But I’ll try. Nonetheless, it seems for naught. Even if a person does reply to me… it is all so distant. There is no connection and I feel loneliness.
I’m going to continue this little venture though. It won’t surprise me if it ends the same as my previous ones… but I’ll just try until my will dwindles down again and I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired. It is all I can do…