Ah… It has been a week or so since my mania died down. I’m still in recovery from all the energy I spent. Nothing much has really happened since my last entry or the entry before that. My mom’s birthday came and went. I gave her two DVDs of movies she liked. She was surprised I managed to find one of them. It was good to know she liked them. Her birthday fell on a Friday so we had her pick a place to eat. We ate at an Italian restaurant. My brother was there and he gave her a card. i never saw it, but she obviously was touched by the contents.
The weekend then came, Sunday my eldest brother dropped by and ate dinner with us to celebrate my mom’s passing birthday. He and I saw the last of the Terminator and he filled me in on the entire story and the sequel Judgment Day. It rather interested me.
On Monday I was completely out of it… I suppose on auto pilot. It concerned my dad because I was very quiet that day. Talking was not a strong suit and I really didn’t want to. Yeah, I could think, but it was rather foggy.The reason my dad noticed was due to his being around most of the afternoon. He got his car back finally. It looked as good as before. Ironically, after driving around to do errands, he later want to pick my mom up from work and the battery died when they tried to leave.
I don’t remember Tuesday much. My mom lost a crown/cap yesterday, though, and had to go to the dentist. I hope I never end up needing such a thing. It seems quite troublesome.
Speaking of dentists, I’ll see one around the twenty third next month. Oh, joy. I never really have had an issue with dentists, I just hate the waiting. Sure you can talk with the assistants and the dentist when your mouth isn’t being dug into, but it is still boring.
A thing I noted last night might as well be written too for the heck of it since it is still on my mind. It was after my mom and I watched some shows per usual. She was in the bathroom, so I was watching something that came on who knows when. It was the end of the show.
The scene was of a daughter being questioned in the interrogation room. The father is on the other side of the mirrored glass. He breaks and claims he did whatever they were accusing her of. Later he was interrogated by a man who didn’t believe he did it. In the end, the father was found not to be the criminal and he went on about how he couldn’t let his daughter go to prison and such.
Now, some might wonder how this led me to think of the time I came back from the hospital after a suicide attempt, but it did. I think it was due to the father crying over his daughter. In any case, I thought of that time.
I don’t remember it clearly anymore. I do know I was in my room, my dad was with me. He sat on my bed as I sat on my chair. He broke down crying. I don’t recall what he said, but it was obviously about why I would do such a thing, if I understood how much he loved me and such.
Thinking back to that… I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how much a person can love another. Perhaps no one does. I mean, considering I feel strongly for my parents, get worried over them, get annoyed with my siblings if they trouble them, et cetera… but I don’t know if that means I understand.
I don’t feel like I do. I know my dad loves me greatly, I affect him greatly and he wants me to be happy and never sad. I cannot comprehend the capacity though and cannot even do a comparison by looking at my own feelings. I just remember that when he cried that day, I told myself that as long as he and my mother were alive, I would never do such a thing again if I ever wound up driven to such a concept. I never wanted to my father cry like that over my actions.
I knew I could not bring such a memory up to my mother. I did such once, but it was a different reason. It was to tell her I realized that when I did it… I didn’t see any selfishness in the act. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it would make my parents’ lives better.
My mom listened, but she didn’t like talking about such a dark time. Logically I understand. When such things occur though, I want to talk to those involved about it though. I suppose it is for clarification and all that. I wanted her to understand I was thinking of her and dad that night. That I made sure that when I left they wouldn’t have the thoughts that others do of, “I never got to say goodbye” or “I can’t remember when I last kissed or hugged her”.
Ah… I remember something. I wrote something of a will and sent it to my friend so he could pass it on to my parents… in note a part said, “Dad can have his office back.” He gave me his office so I’d have a room and not have to sleep on the living room couch anymore.
That had broken my dad’s heart hearing such. It didn’t occur to me at the time that it would. I felt like a burden to them. I sincerely thought it would make things easier on them not to have to deal with the fourth child who ultimately wound up being gloriously fucked up and didn’t seem to be getting any better.
They love me greatly though. Knowing that still puts me at loss. I’m aware they do and in all logic my caring for them greatly must be love. I still don’t understand really. At least, I don’t think I do.
My mom would likely tell me it is the Aspergers or something. Based on previous talks, she thinks it has something to do with that. The previous talks were due to wondering if I was a bad person for not understanding such things. I wondered if it was bad that I wasn’t able to feel the sort of love most seem to feel. Mom seems to understand and accept it though. I find that comforting. To try to talk to my dad about such a thing would only hurt him. I know he wouldn’t understand and many complications would arise.
Looking at my awkwardness when it comes to emotions reminds me of the times I used to feel like I wasn’t human. I guess that since I mostly interact with the cats in the house and my parents such a thing isn’t so noticeable for me and thus the feeling of alienation doesn’t arise.
Still… I guess it exists in me even now. I just don’t notice it as much.