I remember having a rant stashed away somewhere about want… in fact there is probably two of them. It was a different sort of want. It was a want that dealt more with the world than with me, I think. It was about me, but it had nothing to do with what I wanted.
During times of confusion and pressure, my parents would ask me what I wanted. The question pertained to my future… more specifically the path I would take. This centered on college, working, or both. Nevertheless, college was always expected.
My problem with those questions of what was wanted had other reasons rather than interest or want. College? I hated school. Yeah, I got good grades, graduated high school early and hit college… but who the hell said I liked it?
Then there was getting a job. Okay, I’ll do that. Do I want to? Not many people want to work… some do… perhaps many do… but nothing has ever interested me. Besides, it was expected, necessary and I was not going to be a lazy bum.
As for both… well, that was never really pushed. I think by then my parents knew I did not have the mental stability to handle both. It just took them a while to realize I lacked the stability for either.
As for want… well, I tried college and I never succeeded in a job… not even a volunteer one that was very simple. I did not care for either. Therefore, I wanted neither. I did both anyway. I tried my best and both resulted in… um… reverting to my less “hinged” ways.
So, where am I getting at? Where’s the want? My want was to get by and do well enough for my parents. Perhaps they never truly pressured me and it was just all my paranoia, but I always thought I needed to do everything that was expected in a person. Sadly, I seem to not be the sort who can handle what is normal for most.
During that time, I knew what I wanted. I just knew it would not be an acceptable answer. I wanted to be left alone. I stopped that thought soon after it emerged though. After all, if taken literally, I would be utterly alone. No, to be more specific… I wished to be left to my own devices, I believe.
Back then, I think I knew I was not made for college. Despite that I tried, I worked hard and passed the few classes I took with high grades. I was that way from kindergarten to high school. Like in the previous years, college was relatively the same to me and thus had the same effects. I became depressed, irritable, tired and all that jazz.
I thought, “Is this all there is?” I could predict how working would be. I would end up the same way under a job. Some would say school and work are different. For them, it probably is. For me though… in the end it just depresses me.
I found this out by a mere volunteer job. I liked the job really. It was my sort of niche. I think a good part of the issue was being unable to function in the given environment. The place was a library. How could I not function in a library? I have no idea. Nevertheless, symptoms started up again. I began to get irritable, tired and soon enough depressed. I even cut, which was something I had not done for a long while.
Finally, after a while, I think my mom came to realize what I subconsciously assumed. I just was not able to function in the real world like a normal person. I believe after that she stopped with the suggestions of trying college again and/or looking for a job whether it was volunteer or part time.
Now, a good while later, I believe I have what I wanted at that time, but am surprised a bit by how it came about. All that time I was doing the changes, the trying and such to try to achieve what I wanted. In the end, it required my parents’ state of minds to change.
I wanted to please them. I wanted to be a good child. I wanted them to see how hard I tried to live up to expectations. But my body and mind slowly started to expend its resources, I guess. I started falling more. I cried often. I sank into depressions deeply. In the end I wanted to be left to my own devices.
When growing up, I never considered my limitations. I was fueled by want I guess. It was just a want they could not see. I always took into mind the saying, “If you set your mind to it you can do anything.” I always berated myself. I always made sure I tried. I would always try and I would try my damned hardest. I kept working to do what I thought my parents wanted of me to achieve what I wanted.
The saying just did not hold true.
I remember, how frustrated I would get when my parents said, “Don’t do what you think we want you to do. We want you to do what you want.” Well, we are all screwed then. All I wanted was to make them happy. All they wanted was for me to do what I wanted. The only way I knew how to do that was be the dutiful child.
Now there is no more of that. I am grateful. Now I have what I wanted… to be able to be left to my own devices and not have to worry about disappointing my parents for not doing what is expected of the majority of this world.
What started this little “gem” of writing was another night of lying in bed and thinking. I thought of this and I thought of things I actually wanted. I thought I’d write them down.

I Want:
01. To never lose my sense of self ever again.
02. To not fall into depression.
03. To always be truthful.
04. To please those important to me.
05. To be a good person.
06. To not be a hypocrite.
07. To be and be considered as reliable.
08. To always be aware of what I should be grateful for.
09. To have a content life.
10. To remain happy with who I am.
11. To be accepted for who I am.