Well, today was the first day I finally felt like myself again. Thus I will now say with certainty that the cold I had is gone. Hopefully, I will not get sick again anytime soon if not later on in the distant future.
As of late I have really been into “drawing” again. In other words, computer works. Those are not my detailed penning… I have not done one of those since last New Year’s Day. Anyway, I have been doing art though. What spurred it was an anime I have been interested in as of late. In fact I even read the manga up to the latest chapter out. Now I am quietly following when a new episode or chapter is out.
I have been doing art in a style I did sparingly in my past. The main reason for the sparingly was due to the difficulty of it and the memory required to use. The pictures are usually the size of 2000 to 5000 pixels in height. When I work on them, it is later do I shrink them to about the size of 900 pixels. It has been fun though.
To add onto that, and this is a part I often do not care to do often, I have been trying to do the art in the original style. Yeah, I have been doing “fan art”. Every once in a while such a phase hits me. Well, this is one of them.
Other than that… nothing else has really “been going on”. I’ve had thoughts. The last time I saw Kyle, I talked to him about… lacking human abilities or pretty much alienation of understanding things that most do not even need to understand. Schizoid is what my mother and one of the doctor ladies have said. I’ll agree with that one.
Then there was today. Something I listened to stirred up memories. Usually my memories of “darker” times would deal with girls who had been in my life. This time it was of two guys. One was of a guy from the UK. I had thought of him before in my high school years once and oddly saw him on the computer not too long after.
I met him in middle school. We had something of an Internet relationship. He was older than me and very kind. We would stay up for hours into the night talking. I learned a lot about him and he learned much about me. I remembered how he spoke of having dreams regarding me. I remember two main symbols he told me about. One was a six. The other was a dragonfly.
Some point in my eighth grade year though, I broke it off. I did not know at the time but I was bipolar. I was very moody and suicidal. I cut and there were many other problems. I was a moralistic bastard then and still am now. He was one of the people who told me that I sounded like I was a self-sacrificing person. Well, I am not to sure about that, but okay. Anyway, I had a feeling I’d drown him with all of my issues and it was not fair for him to have to deal with my selfishness or something.
Perhaps it was intuition.
It was not too long later did things go really haywire. I started taking medication and was in high school. I started seeing head doctors. Then there was that actual suicide attempt. I never thought Kyle would have found that email so soon in truth. I thought he would have encountered it the next day. Even now I do not know how I feel about that. I’m not at all resentful that he called and told my parents. I just sometimes wonder…
Anyway, the point is, it was good that the guy did not have to go through that with me. After the breakup, he had gotten emotional and I stood by him until he seemed fine again. He met another person and I encouraged him to hook up with her since he seemed to like her. After he did get together with her I felt frustration with myself and some sadness for a while. I had a good long cry even. Perhaps I even felt some jealousy. In fact, now that I think about it, I know I did. I saw him interact with her one point a while later. I thought I saw a completely different side to him. It was not long after he admitted to me that it really was not him… it was more of a façade. It was one of those double-edged swords I guess. It relieved me that what I had seen in him had not been a lie, but it was distressing that he was in a relationship where he was restricting himself.
In the end though, things worked out I believe. Last I saw him, he was doing fine. Good luck to him, where ever and whatever he is doing now. He had been a very important person in my life…
You know the odd thing, though? I believe he was the one that started the whole “Shimmer”. Yeah… it was during that time I had found the song. I remembered it vaguely in my youth, but had found the song and the title of it while with him. Heh.
The other guy I thought of is a no-brainer, likely. I thought of Kyle and the last time I saw him in the flesh. Now that was utterly bittersweet.
I still remember tidbits of that day. I remember how I had thought of asking his mother if she would mind driving me home while he and his boyfriend were upstairs likely making out still. I remember adoring his Pomeranian and paying attention to his cats when I hide away from the two. I remember going into his closet and stumbling upon a shirt of his I liked. I had taken off my favorite gray tank top and put it on.
Heh… I also remember how the boyfriend made a snide comment about me undressing in font of them. I remember thinking dryly how I did not think they would have noticed since they were busy groping each other and since I was pretty sure that most of the wall in between was blocking view anyway. Besides, why would they care? I was a girl.
I remember feeling sad, like one of those smiles that really looks like crying. I remember feeling no longer being a part of Kyle’s life that day. I remember sobbing when I had returned home.
There are many other things of that day I remember, but I guess they need not be written. However, after thinking about it, I had also thought of the glass flower. A faint smile had graced my lips. The flower had a story too. Kyle had two of them. One was blue. The other was green. He gave me the blue. He gave the boyfriend the green. I remembered feeling a light pain to the chest when I found out the green had been given away. I had told Kyle why. Then Kyle told me his reason of the passing of the two flowers.
I guess music can be a powerful thing. That is what had reminded me. It was a song from my middle school years I believe. It was a pop song, as those were the fad of the time. I had stumbled upon it on YouTube while browsing for something and it resulted in being a fan-made music video for something. The song had been used and that began the memories.
I have a new song now though. It marks… another relationship. “Rest In Pieces”. As of late, I wonder if close relationships are really necessary for me. Of all of my close relationships, none were seriously romantic or anything. Maybe some would think they were… but looking at them, it was and is just how I am.
I am a person of extremes. I always have been. A few people are well aware of that. I doubt any of them were of romantic love though. I do not know if I’d ever allow myself to have such a thing. I think the love I give is of loyalty.
All of those I have trusted and loved… have all been given all I could give as a friend. I always made the promise to be always there when needed if it was in my power. Sometimes, that came close to killing me… even to the literal sense.
A moralistic, chivalrous, faithful, stubborn bastard.
Heh.
Even more, I show it in the oddest way. I do not think I preach about morality, but then again I care little for talking to others. Chivalry is not shown exactly; despite I will open doors and let others go first. Faithfulness (loyalty) has always been a downfall for me. Stubborn is easily shown though (it also has been what fueled the loyalty) and bastard is something I’ve always referred to myself since bitch just is not fitting.
I never understood how these standards ever came to being. I could say I guess they had always been there. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember. I know I was loyal anyway back to my early elementary years.
With my friends though…
I never had any ill intent. I never said anything intentionally cruel to them even if they hurt me. I always tried to be civil. Why? I don’t know really, it was just how I was. If they were extremely close to me, I always made the quiet promise that I would always be there if sought out. If able to protect them, I would. If they needed to rant, then I’d sit patiently and listen.
Heh… I remember having two homework assignments I had to get done. A friend called and was crying. There was a dispute with her sister. I dropped all of my homework and dropped by. The fighting went on, but it was less intense with me there. I just… had to fix the problem if possible. She had been crying.
Somewhere in this I said something like, I should probably be better off without relationships that are close. I suppose the reason would be… that all of mine have ended like a fading flower and what I have left are the dried up petals to look at and use to recall.
Kyle is the one who is still around, but it is by a thread. It is very nice though… I appreciate it more than one might understand. I doubt we have as much of an understanding like we once did – sometimes I wonder if we ever really did understand each other like I think we did – but the thing is… he stays in my life and I do not think he has ever abused me. Perhaps that one time could be considered such… but it does not haunt me like others have from various past friends.
Heh… this entry has really turned into a reflection. I never meant for it to. It was to be short. It was to just have the note of getting over my cold, my interest in drawing and that I had two wistful memories. Oh well.
I guess I will get off now.

“Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces…”