I don’t dwell on the past anymore… not like how I used to. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember briefly on occasion though. When certain memories come, I wind up having things I would like to say but never will. This is one of those. Maybe with it written down, something will be put to rest… or at least given a long break.

Dear Gilbert,
I never was strong at math. In fact, no one in my family ever was. Still, like my sister I worked hard at it and wound up having you as my Calculus teacher on my junior year in high school. I heard good things about you and from the first days being in your class I knew you were a no nonsense sort of person. I liked that. Sadly, that wasn’t enough.
I did pretty well in the beginning. I followed along, did math problems on the board, took notes. It would be a challenging class, but I wasn’t moaning and groaning over that. I got through Algebra 1 and 11 didn’t I? No, it was when I needed help during tutoring hours did things become complicated.
I always tried to be a hardworking, honest student. I had my morals and have them to this day. I did my homework, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t let others cheat off me, I got my grades because I did my best – and half the time it was beyond my best. So, no… I wasn’t interested in favors.
When I ask for help from someone I don’t know well, it means I’ve hit the last turn before giving up. I didn’t know you well. I had you for only two months at best. I thought you were cool, though. In the end, I apparently still have vague resentments to this day.
I came in early or perhaps in the afternoon… I cannot recall clearly. Either way, I had done everything I could to try to figure out a math problem. I had worked it out as far as I could. I went back to look at notes I made. I read lessons in the book. I was at a standstill. As said, no one in my family was ever strong at math in the higher areas, so asking the only sibling I had who even made it to Calculus wasn’t going to work – I’m pretty sure she was away at college by then anyway. Yeah, I came in hopes to be given a push into the right direction. I didn’t even get that. Bitch.
I asked for your help. You told me to try again. Well, I already tried again, but if you don’t even know how to start, it is kind of impossible. I tried to explain that to you. Maybe you thought I was being another lazy teenager who doesn’t even try. I try to humor you, but I’m still at a standstill. You tell me to keep trying. I tell you I have been. I even go into explaining to you all I’ve done up to this point. I tell you I am not the sort to ask for help until I’m at the end of my rope. You give the same damn answer. Fuck you!
Your just as bad as the Honors English teacher I had the year before who didn’t listen to my question at all and automatically assumed I was an idiot who needed the basics to be told to her all over again really slowly. Bullshit!
I try to be patient, I do all my work on my own, I humor them when they are telling m things I already know… how the bloody hell am I supposed to get anywhere when the damn teachers won’t listen to the real problem? How is anyone supposed to learn anything when he or she isn’t even taught how to get the first foot through the door?
It is like there is a person choking with two others in the room. There is someone who knows the Heimlich and there is a person who doesn’t even know what the Heimlich is. The person who knows tells the one who doesn’t know, “Do the Heimlich on him.” The person who doesn’t know says, “I don’t know what the Heimlich is.” The other replies, “Try to do it anyway.”
It doesn’t work!
Even more, do you even realize that was what you were doing? Are were you really so bent on your belief that I wasn’t trying hard enough. Trying hard was the only reason I survived middle school to high school at all. Hell, I didn’t even survive high school. I went to alternative learning and finished both my junior and senior years in two months and two weeks. I wasn’t trying hard enough, huh? Bullshit.
I’m still sure you are/were a good teacher. I’m sure you’ve taught many great students who have gone on to be amazing in fields that required Calculus. I just know you were not a teacher for me or for anyone like me. I think that is the real shame here. Oh, well.

3/19

Drifted in and out of sleep every hour until waking at 1am.

Rested again at 4am, didn’t fall asleep.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Woke at 1pm.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 2pm.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke at 6:30pm. Despite sleeping a lot, been feeling pretty good – no tremors or exhaustion weakness.

Ate leftovers from tacos night before – taco salad – around 7pm.

Ate Cheese Stick at 12am.

3/20

Sleep wasn’t interested in me.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar at 8am.

Finally fell asleep at 10am.

Woke up briefly to let the dogs out and do some chores. Fell asleep before eating or drinking anything.

Woke at 4pm, did the rest of my chores, played fetch with the dog.

4:30pm, ate Veggie Burger on Ciabatta roll.

6pm, went to yoga. Felt off in a mental way – a bit of a buzz like when I have manic episodes. A little irritable.

7:30pm, ate Ciabatta roll. Felt sleepy while watching television around 8pm and even thought of going to bed at 9 or 10. Wound up staying awake all night instead.

11:30pm, ate bowl of Campell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock.

3/21

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 4:30am.

Rested at 5am, still didn’t find sleep easily.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am. Fell asleep some point after… could have been 7am, could have been 8… could have been right after.

Woke at 3pm, let the dogs out, did chores.

4pm, ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables.

Went on a walk around 5:30pm? Energy level normal.

7pm, ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter granola bar.

8pm, ate Ciabatta roll.

11pm, went to bed. Not sure when I actually fell asleep.

3/22

Woke again at 1am.

Ate package of Ramen noodles at 2am.

Rested at 4:40am, didn’t fall asleep.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Took a nap from 11-1:45pm.

Ate bowl of Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock at 2pm.

5pm ate an order of Wendy’s French Fries. (Bad me.)

8pm, neck muscles really worn and cramping due to lack of sleep.

Went to sleep at 9pm.

3/23

Woke again at 12am.

Ate a Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola Bar at 2am.

Tried to sleep again at 2:30am. Failed.

Got up again at 4am – still no sleep.

Drank protein shake and had vitamin at 6am.

Ate cheese stick near 8am in the car. Tried to sleep during the trip, but couldn’t.

10am ate brunch at Denny’s, had two buttermilk pancakes and side of hash-browns.

Feeling rather worn by 2pm, shoulders and lower back ache.

Ate at Tex-Mex restaurant around 2:30pm, two cheese enchiladas and two helpings of Spanish rice.

Fell asleep for about two hours on car trip home.

Woke and remained awake for maybe 30 minutes to an hour before arriving home.

Fell asleep again at 6:30pm.

Woke at 11:30 pm.

3/24

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 12:15am.

Went back to bed around 1am.

Slept until 12pm. Still felt tired.

Ate Subway BLT sandwich without tomato but with light mayonnaise around 1:30pm after putting up groceries.

Went to sleep around 2pm after doing the dishes.

Woke around 8pm. Felt better, still a little worn around the edges.

Ate store bought pizza at 8:30pm.

Fell asleep around 10:30pm after watching some television with Mom.

Woke again at 11:30pm.

2/25

Ate small bag of Baked Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips around 12am.

Went back to bed at 3:30am because my arms still felt a bit worn. Didn’t fall asleep.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter bar at 5:45am.

Drank protein shake and had vitamin at 6:30am.

Ate half a Ciabatta roll at 7am. Fell back to sleep sometime after.

woke at 12pm. No more worn areas.

Ate the other half of the Ciabatta roll at 12:30pm.

Not much to do around the house, cleaned what I could, Internet is down… So rested in bed most of the afternoon.

Ate order of Wendy’s fries and 5-piece chicken nuggets for dinner around 5:30pm.

Went to bed at 8pm.

Woke again around 11pm?

3/4
Exhaustion problem. So weak I was trembling, was physically spent and almost hadn’t been able to get out of bed despite being knocked out for over 24 hours.

3/5-3/11
Recovering with added snacks, shorter hours between meals, morning protein shakes and multivitamin. Mom suggested I keep a log of my meals, how I’m feeling energy wise and sleep intake the next two weeks.

3/11

Dr. Pepper around 12-12:30am.

Went to bed at 1:45-1:50am. Sleep was not accomplished. Rested physically for four hours, time change made it 6am.

Ate string cheese stick 6am. Feeling just a bit tired around the edges physically, okay mentally.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 7am.

Went to bed at 8:30am – didn’t fall asleep.

Drank protein shake, took multivitamin at 9:30am.

Finally fell asleep around 9:45-10am.

Woke up at 3:45pm.

Ate Veggie burger on Ciabatta bread 3:50pm.

Feeling a bit physically tired (mainly my upper body, particularly my arms) again at 4:40pm.

Went to bed at 4:50pm, managed to fall asleep.

Woken up to take meds at 9pm. Fell back asleep.

Woke an hour later, rest physically another hour.

Got up at 11pm, took shower and cleaned dishes. Feeling weak in the arms again.

Finally ate around 11:30pm, barely soup in particular.

3/12

1:30am, food has no effect, still feeling a bit weak around the arms.

2:45am, drinking Dr. Pepper.

Went to bed 5am. Dozed, still could have felt better but arms briefly closer to how they should have felt.

Drank protein shake, took multivitamin at 6:30am. Fell asleep sometime after that.

Woke around 9:30am, got up a while later. Still don’t feel right around the arms.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 10am after doing the dishes.

Paused halfway through folding laundry at 10:30 due to fatigue in arm area.

11:30pm, going to bed again. Not so weak in the arms.

Woke around 3:15pm.

Ate a tablespoon or so of peanut butter and a package of Ramen noodles at 3:40pm.

Went on 45min. walk around 5:45pm. Finished around 6:30pm.

Went to bed to rest physically at 6:50pm. Muscles felt rather worn, but walk did not exhaust me nor did it energize me. Did not fall asleep fortunately.

Got up again around 7:30pm.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables at 8pm.

Ate cheese stick at 11:30pm.

3/13

Went to bed at 1:30am. Fell asleep around 3am?

Woke up at 6am to have protein shake and vitamin.

Fell back to sleep, woke at 1:30pm. Feeling a bit more like myself for once.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 2pm after letting dogs out and doing dishes.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke up at 5:30pm, ate a cheese stick.

Fell asleep at 8pm after coming back from yoga.

Had meds at 9pm.

3/14

Slept until 12am.

Ate store bought pizza at 12:50 after taking a shower and baking it in the oven.

Went to bed at 5am, didn’t fall asleep.

6am, had protein shake and vitamin, fell asleep afterwards.

Woke up at 12:30pm, let dogs out, washed dishes.

1pm, ate Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef broth.

1:30pm vacuumed, tended to laundry.

2pm, drank Diet Coke.

5pm, ate cheese stick and Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola bar.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Macaroni with cheese sauce and Broccoli at 7:30pm.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola bar at 10:30pm.

3/15

Went to bed at 2am, might have fallen asleep at 3:30am?

Woke at 5:50am to drink protein shake and take vitamin.

Fell back asleep to wake again at 2pm.

Ate a tablespoon or so of peanut butter and a package of Ramen noodles at 2:45pm after tending to the dishes.

Fell asleep again at 3:30pm.

Woke at 7pm, ate Stouffer’s Farmer Harvest Vegetable Lasagna and Nature Valley Maple Syrup Granola Bar at 7:30pm.

Went back to bed around 10pm. Woke again at 12am.

3/16

Ate Veggie Burger on Ciabatta bread at 2am. Feel a bit weak around the arms again.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 5:50am.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 6:40am.

Fell asleep around 7am.

Woke at 2:30pm, ate Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar Granola Bar.

5:30pm ate Schlotzsky’s bacon sandwich (bacon, lettuce, cheese, mayo, wheat bread) with small bag of sour cream and onion chips.

Felt a bit weak around the arms and rather sleepy at 7:30pm. Fell asleep.

3/17

Woke at 1am. Felt better.

Ate Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar granola bar at 1:30am.

Ate can of Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef broth at 4:30am.

5am, arms feeling just a tad bit of weakness. Overall, fine.

Fell asleep again around 7am.

Woke around 12pm, ate half a Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar Granola bar package.

Ate Subway BLT sandwich without tomato but with light mayonnaise around 1:30pm after putting up groceries.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke up at 9:30pm.

Ate Veggie burger on Ciabatta bread around 10pm.

3/18

Ate Ciabatta roll at 1am.

Fell asleep around 2-3am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6:30am?

Woke up at 2pm. Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter granola bar.

Ate 5 turkey tacos with lettuce and cheese at 5:30pm.

Fell asleep at 8pm.

Took meds at 9pm.