Well, it is late Monday night and I have woken up from a four thirty to five hour nap. Since my last entry late Saturday evening I’ve been sleeping a lot of course. After my entry I got up, brushed my teeth and settled down in bed. Mom was staying up to watch some television and it was engaging enough that I stayed up with her. Around ten thirty or perhaps eleven, I cannot recall clearly, we went to sleep.
I got up again around five in the morning. Since my whole weekend mainly consisted of sleeping and being awake only to get nutrients and participate during the wedding related events, I had little time to myself. I checked some websites and then began to read. I read until eight thirty. Getting up I began to put most of my things away since during that time my mom had woken, did her yoga and likely a few various other things.
With only a few things left over like my teeth care supplies, we eventually went downstairs to eat breakfast at the grill we ate at our first meal there. It was a rather big breakfast we had, but most of the meals I had that weekend were big. I’m sure the meals helped my energy levels as did the endless sleep related collapsing.
We headed back up to our rented room then, I brushed my teeth and began to pack the rest of what few things I had left. I helped my mom with packing some of her things since she brings too much stuff by habit. Then it was a matter of time for my dad to arrive. I think he showed up around ten to ten thirty. So, we got to moving our luggage down to the parking lot and soon loading everything into the car. We left after that and headed for home.
Mom and I slept the trip back just like how we slept the entire trip there. My case was understandable since I got less sleep than her last night. Anyway, I woke upon our arrival home. My first priority was to find my cat. After a long search I found him under a bed. He was a bit leery of us, even me, but I couldn’t blame him so I let him be. Once things settled down he’d be okay.
I then began unpacking my things and my parents soon headed off to retrieve their dogs from the kennel they stayed at. I took that time to get my stuff in order, give the cats some wet food and eventually collapse again. I slept until around ten thirty that night.
Getting up, I took a shower and had a small dinner of Ramen. I decided to watch a few shows on the television and after being up for about three hours I hit the bed again. I’m not certain as to when I woke up again. Maybe it was ten? Maybe it was eleven?
Well, I ate a light breakfast consisting of a peanut butter sandwich. My body was still exhausted so I did what little chores I could manage. I then checked my email and various things before checking into my bank account. That was a troublesome endeavor.
I had tried to check it the night before but there were difficulties. Our bank merged, converted… something with another bank while we were gone. Therefore lots of things changed and had to be reaffirmed. Well, this time it was being a bit kinder and with my mother’s assistance I finally got it to work. I think the main problems the night before was because my debit card hadn’t been fully renewed yet. We called the bank to activated it mid afternoon the day before, so maybe that had something to do with it.
Anyway, with that squared away I again worked on putting order to some things in regards to my room. My cat was back to his usual self and I was still exhausted. I decided to rest on my bed for a while until my mom was ready to leave.
Since we were gone since Friday we hadn’t done our grocery shopping, therefore it was our duty to get that done today. After my mom got her bank account in order and checked her email we headed out. Grocery shopping was pretty much the same as usual for me despite my mom did some things that made it a bit frustrating, like wandering off… but we got the job done.
After that we picked up medicine and stopped by Wendy’s. Mom wanted a frosty and I was thirsty as well as in need of a quick snack to pick me up since I had a dizzy spell at the store. We headed home after that.
After unpacking groceries mom readied herself lunch and I ate my fries and drank my soda. We then went to the “cat/sewing room” to watch some television just to catch up on shows we didn’t see while gone. After two shows I was getting tired and went to take a nap. Mo got a page about a prescription she had dropped off when we went to get meds earlier. The rest of my day was spent sleeping after that.
I took a shower before starting this and started cooking some pasta in the middle. Eating now, I guess I’ll take a break before I move onto looking back on significant events during the wedding that weren’t addressed in my previous entry.
(Paused at 10:21 PM. Resumed 10:50 PM)
Okay… Well, despite the entire trip has exhausted me and revived some issues of mine, I will say there were some things learned. The some of the following might have been addressed in my previous post, but since I wrote that while I was semi-brain-dead  it doesn’t matter.
One thing I have established during the rehearsal dinner was that I seem to have a soft spot for the elderly. In a more elaborated sense, I find them easier to talk to and feel at ease with. A part of me wonders if it is because I seem to be like an elderly person despite my youth. There are those with old souls and I might be one of them, but usually when I say I am like an elder person, I mean it by mannerisms and such. I might be wrong on that, but it just feels that way at times.
Another thing learned is that while I still tend to feel like a different species, an alien in a small isolated world watching those I will never understand… I do not become as depressed about this knowledge as I would have when younger. I suppose it is because I know my nature better than I used to. I know I will never be a part of that world and even if I was included it would never have the significance I see it to have in reality when it regards me. I experience things differently. Just being at the wedding is proof of that.
Despite I was there physically to be a part of it… on an emotional, mental and spiritual way, I was still unable to experience the feelings and thoughts everyone else was. At the dinner I saw people being friendly, telling stories and bonding. Most of the conversations I couldn’t join in on since I was never there or was unable to remember – my memory is particularly poor. Therefore I was mainly silent and listened. I could only pick up bits of the conversations though. I did smile at times, find some things amusing, but again there was that distance. I realize now that even when I am included, I will never have the true connection. It is sad, but it is how I am apparently.
There were other instances of feeling quite misplaced, but I think the point is addressed well enough. Now there are some things that I learned that is less on an introspective level and more like a personal history enlightened. I write it for the memory since remembering on my own is rather futile.
After arriving to where the wedding was to take place my family encountered my grandmother, now brother’s neighbor. After catching up it was soon just her and me talking. She tried to refresh my memory about things in the past, but I sadly do not recall. Then again I was likely a toddler at best in regards to the memories she spoke of.
Apparently my fondness for the elderly was proven yet again because she relayed to me about how whenever the rest of the family left to do things like go to the movies, the mall or do errands I always insisted on staying home with my grandmother. This amused me and made me smile. I remember none of that but it is nice to know that while I remember no particular bond with my grandmother, I apparently had one.
Another thing she noted was that back when we lived up in Alaska when she visited us I would have nothing to do with her and only wanted to be with her daughter. Then in all irony, when we were down here I wanted nothing to do with her daughter and only wanted to be around her. What was up with me back then, I have no idea. It is interesting as well as amusing to know, though.
The last story she told me was how my sister, cousin and I would hang around her home at times when we were little. Apparently my sister and cousin would help her husband make soup often. She claimed I helped, but my mother thinks it is unlikely considering my age. I likely watched at best. Still, it was said that if my parents and grandparents couldn’t find us, it likely meant we were over there.
Well, I believe I’ve written down the main things I wanted to remember or found significant. It is 11:09 now. I still feel rather awake so I suppose I’ll stay up a bit longer.
For notes, My sister’s birthday is tomorrow and I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday. Other than Thanksgiving, I don’t think there are any other plans or events occurring this month. Thank god.

Well… the wedding is finally over. Friday morning I woke around five and left my room at five thirty. I ate breakfast and cleaned up as much as I could. Making sure everything I needed was ready, I then made sure the cats had enough food and water left to last at least two and a half to three days. During this my parents left a little after eight to take the dogs to a kennel. Waiting on them I eventually decided to rest in bed again since I had only received about… three hours of sleep the night before.
They returned around nine thirty. Mom woke me up, we packed the car and were out by nine fifty. Mom and I wound up sleeping the whole trip while dad drove. I don’t quite remember when we got into the city but it was maybe around noon. We then went to the hotel.
It seems my dad had spent enough money for only one room instead of two. By the price he thought he had gotten two rooms, but that was not the case. Therefore, Mom and I took the one already booked and he with my brother took a cheaper hotel room at a hotel opposite us while a mall was the separator.
We waited a while until we knew my brother was near to go downstairs to eat lunch. The restaurant in the hotel was a grill place. We ordered while waiting since it would take my brother about ten minutes until he could arrive. I had ordered a pizza since it was the only thing on the menu I’d eat with no problem.
Well, my brother arrived only to note he wasn’t very hungry, so after looking at the menu I offered to split my pizza with him since I likely wouldn’t eat all of it. It was settled since it was pepperoni. The pizza was okay. They made it have a slightly spicy sauce that didn’t interest me greatly, however. I like my frozen pizzas baked in the oven for a while just fine.
We separated after that, my dad and brother heading to their hotel and my mother and me to our room. I collapsed soon enough and I am not sure what my mom did. Anyway, she woke me up from my nap and I got dressed as did she. Dad and my brother showed up and all together we used the family car to go to the rehearsal.
I suppose I could go all into it, but my mind doesn’t want to so whatever. We met my to-be-sister-in-law’s friends and family. We waited around for the stragglers to show up. I mainly watched as everyone got the procession down and typically wondered why I was there again. When I say there, I didn’t mean the rehearsal, but the wedding in general. I paid no role and was pretty much like an unnecessary accessory just added in really. Yeah, yeah… my reason to be there was for my eldest brother to join and witness him on a day of pivotal value in his entire life. I just wonder if my being there was truly important though.
Yes, yes – this is about the bride and groom, not you. I know that. At the same time, however… would it have been at all significant if I hadn’t been there? I suppose it would be since I am his youngest sister and we had a good relationship as children. I suppose it would be since I get along with the bride just fine. In all logical sense, however, I contributed nothing. Well, I guess I contributed a sense of moral support… Whatever.
Well, after the rehearsal Dad and my brother dropped us off at our hotel. I collapsed again.  Mom mapped out a way to find a tea shop and a place that could sell her a hair brush since she forgot to bring hers. She got back at five thirty and woke me up. We got ready, Dad and my brother showed up and when we were all ready we left for the rehearsal dinner.
The restaurant was Italian. We arrived around the same time the wedding committee with my eldest brother and his bride-to-be did. We all entered to the reserved room. There were the bride-to-be’s grandmother and an old friend of my brother who was to be his Best Man. Apparently my brother had been his Best Man in turn when he got married. He is in the army, so he flew all the way in from England and had arrived in the US just ten minutes before he found the restaurant. Others to arrive was another of my brothers’ childhood friends, the bride-to-be’s god parents and various others. I pretty much just stuck by my mom. Though some of my brothers’ childhood friends were there, I never really knew them. Again, I wondered why I was even there and simply thought about how I wanted to be home.
The dinner was nice… I could eat something from every course. As for the socializing… well, as said, I didn’t really know anyone. So I mainly just stared off, listened to others despite half the conversation was lost on me… and I mainly just wanted to be home. My being there again seemed utterly pointless. I had nothing to contribute in the conversation, had no memories others discussed about and really related to little. Oh, well.
When the bride-to-be’s father asked me how I was doing, I could only shrug. He was a nice fellow. He brought along his fiancée and she seemed nice. I liked the grandmother despite we spoke briefly. I realized I always seem to have most ease with the well functioning elderly. I loved my great aunt Lillian and I found a fondness for the bride-to-be’s grandmother. I don’t remember my own grandmother too well, though.
Not much really needs to be said for the dinner I guess. The bride-to-be’s godmother sang a song, people thanked my parents for the dinner and I got a gander of the bill and wondered about chipping in despite I can only offer little. We left around nine or so.
Once my mother and I got showers we both pretty much collapsed. It was ten thirty. Mom fell asleep quickly. It took me a while but I slept well. I dreamed of my cats. I woke around six thirty and opened up the blinds to semi-wake my mom and to make sure the room was no longer black as ink. I went back to sleep after that for safety measures.
I woke again around ten thirty. Mom had been well up since then and I just made sure I kept up my “retain as much energy as possible” plan. Dad and my brother showed up and we all decided to eat an early lunch. After having trouble deciding on a place we stopped by an Italian restaurant since we were running short on time – my brother was a groomsman and needed to get to the place early to help set things up and the like.
It was okay. Again, like the pizza I ate for lunch the day before, it wasn’t quite my style. The sauce was a bit strong for me and I thought the price was ridiculous. Everything here is priced ridiculously. That is one of the things I dislike about traditional weddings.
Well, after eating we split up again. I caught in maybe an hour of sleep after that and was woken up just in time to get dressed.  Dad arrived, got dressed in our hotel room and then the three of us headed to the wedding grounds.
Waiting around in the parking lot were all the groomsmen and my eldest brother all dressed up. Greetings were said and then we entered the reception room. There we ran into my deceased grandmother’s next door neighbor who has been my eldest brother’s next door neighbor for some years now. She tried to refresh my memory on some things, but it was like hearing a book for the first time for me. It refreshed nothing. I just lack a decent ability to recall things from the past. It was pleasant and enlightening, though.
I later saw my mother’s cousin Patty and her husband as well as my “Aunt” Karen, another of my mom’s cousins, and her son, Justin, and daughter, Ashley, with their respective spouses and children. In that I met said children for the first time. All of them are still babies. Justin and his wife have two children – I believe they are both boys. Ashley and her husband have a baby girl. I’m not really a baby person, but I liked them. I like kids and babies on a more “look at them” level. On a baby-sit, interact like mad level… not so much.
Well, I eventually sat down, already tiring just from the little interaction, I was the only one in the from row of the groom’s side. My parents were to sit on the bride’s side since they led the procession. My sister of course wasn’t there and my brother was a groomsman. So, yeah… I was alone on the front row. Great. I survived, of course, but… yeah.
The procession occurred, the bride was beautiful and I was quite happy for them. I just still didn’t understand my being there. Well, it didn’t feel as bad as at the rehearsal dinner. At the dinner I had felt that old feeling again: On the inside looking out.
When the ceremony was over the guests went to the concession and I just hung around my parents until they entered to mingle with Patty and her husband. They were soon called for pictures. I was told I wouldn’t be needed so I made very small talk with my mother’s relations. Then the bride came and told me I was supposed to go to the picture taking too while she went to get her grandmother. I joined in just a few pictures, did a couple of plastered smiles that dropped as soon as the camera flashed and some of my regular, small smiles that wind up not looking like smiles when I actually see them in pictures or mirrors.
When the groom’s family was no longer needed Mom, Dad, my brother and I joined the other guests. There were finger foods. We ate little. Dad mainly drank wine. I think I was about the same way as I was at the rehearsal… I sat quietly, listened, stared off and on occasion made a sound.
When the speeches were made I clapped, laughed and listened. I smiled on occasion and so forth.  I will not say it was mechanical, but I cannot say it was full of life either. I found some things touching, some things cute, some things funny, some things boring… so on. I just know… I still am very alien to most humans. I admitted such to my mom as well as that I sometimes cannot even relate to my own family. She seemed to understand.
Well, we left around six I think. We couldn’t find the bride to say goodbye, but we bid farewell to my eldest brother. We headed to the hotel and got dressed into our regular clothes. Mom wanted to go back to the tea place she had encountered earlier and we ate dinner there. Like all the restaurants, minus the one we ate at for the rehearsal dinner, I thought the food could have been better and it was ridiculously priced.
With full stomachs we headed back to the hotel. Dad dropped Mom and me off and went on to his hotel. My brother, who stayed behind with the groomsmen plans to hang out with them tonight I believe.
For once I’ve stayed up. Checking a few sites that I try to check regularly, I now got down to writing this. I’m sure I am leaving a lot of things out, but thinking clearly isn’t really a strong suit right now. I think I am done with this now. Yes.