Well, this past Monday my sister visited. The night before I got to cleaning bed sheets, blankets and so forth. I spent the majority of the night doing such and went to sleep around the time my parents woke up. I was up to answer the door when my sister dropped by. It was around two.
I finished up my chores then and my dad then came home around three. The rest of the time was just a blur really. I kept to myself and my dad took my sister out two times for reasons I still am not quite sure about.
Around four fifteen we all got in the car to pick up my mom then. We got her at four thirty-something and then headed back home. After getting refreshed all of us headed out to eat Mexican food. This is of course because my sister was here. It is pretty funny since the family ate Mexican three nights before on Friday.
Well, we all ate satisfying meals and then headed back for home.
The rest of the night is a blur again… I know my mom and I watched some television. I have no idea what my sister was up to. What happened after that, I am not sure… I might have gone to sleep, I might have done chores… Who knows?
Well, Tuesday I was out of it. I never even saw my sister. She was gone before I was up again. I really don’t remember much of it.
Wednesday was bloody busy though. My mom had off for work yesterday. So… I got up around seven thirty, fed the cats, ate breakfast and did what chores I could get done, done.  Mom woke up not too long after. After she got all her things done, she took a shower and we started out day of errands.
First we dropped her dog off at the groomers. After that we headed to Home Depot to get some plant covers for cold weather. We then headed to the outlet mall where they were having a sale. We arrived five minutes before the doors opened, so we waited a while. Upon entering she got to work selecting shoes for the change of weather to come along. I merely wandered.
Well, she got her shoes, so we headed across the street then to get dog things to prepare for the puppy coming in next week. We got some chew toys, hair care products, food dishes and a new comb for the cats. They didn’t have the puppy food we were looking for, however.
Well, after that, I believe we stopped by Walgreens. She went there to stock up on candy. She gets a ton of candy to take to work. She doesn’t eat it, but her “kids” do. Her co-workers do as well.
When that was completed, I think we went to the Crafts store then. We went there to get fake flowers to turn into bouquets. This Thanksgiving holiday well will take a day out to visit my grandparents’ graves.
When that was done we then headed to s small grocery store to pick up some supplies for Thursday’s meal. We needed rice, chips, dip and to get some coffee creamer for my dad since he was running out. It was a rather easy task.
Around then it was twelve. We decided to stop back at home, unload our purchases and let the other dog, Auggie, out. Mom also needed to get a checkbook to make a deposit later. So, while she did her thing, I put the things hauled in up or at least in order and got a drink of water.
When all was set, we headed out again. This time we stopped at a different pet store. They had the food. It took a while to find, but we got it. There was also the need for birdseed, so four large bags of animal food was in order.
With that taken care of, we headed out further, this time to take a break and eat lunch. It was pretty cool. I got a smoothie and a turkey sandwich while my mom got tea and a veggie sandwich.
What wasn’t cool as the bee that was next to us. While waiting on our food, I asked for a plastic cup and with it I entrapped the bee. Sadly, I had trouble in the plan after that. I tried using a napkin as a shield, but that didn’t work to well. A worker there kindly handed over a piece of paper for an ad. I still struggled until the girl helped out. In the end, the bee was placed back outside and my mom and I were able to eat in peace.
With that breather, we headed out once more. We stopped at a bank on the way back and my mom made her deposit.
With those things done, we went back home. I got to work on the fake flowers, turning them into arrangements decent enough to put on my grandparents graves. While I did that my mom got her dog and eventually took him to the vet for a check up. I finished the task around the time she returned. She thought they turned out great. I asked about her dog and he seems to be all good, but he could still have healthier ears.
Well, I vacuumed then and finally had to rest for a moment. My cat was in my room and on the bed, so I plunked on down and petted him until my mom was ready to head out again. We were off to pick up tomorrow night’s meal. We had ordered some tamales. Yes, that was to be our meal on Thursday.
It was after that did I begin to drift off. Mom stopped by a shop to pick up some scones and then headed to deal with something about her glasses.
We got back home at five and by then I deemed it time to get in a nap. I hit the bed and slept until seven-thirty. After hugging my dad, my mom had me join her to watch TV the rest of the time. I’m not sure when I went to bed again.
Thursday I woke up at seven. I fed the cats, ate breakfast and then dusted the living room. Mom woke up then and I headed on to her room. Since the bed was unmade I only dusted half of the room.
Mom eventually settled back into bed to read and spend time with her dog. So, I got onto a project I had been meaning to do for a while. I pulled a chair out of the way and worked on dusting and reorganizing a forgotten bookcase. Boy that was dusty. I got it all in order though.
After that my mom got up and wanted me to help her with covering the plants with the covers we got the day before. I obliged. When it was all done and settled, I headed back in and finished up the rest of the dusting since the bed was finally made and I could put things on it. After that, I took a shower to get all the dust off me.
I felt pretty out of it all day… so everything is basically a blur. I know I stayed up well enough, but that I rested and at times might have dozed briefly. Well, when I finally decided to take a nap, my mom comes along to tell me dinner was ready. It was three thirty in the afternoon. Sigh.
I got up, ate three cheese tamales and some rice. This isn’t our official Thanksgiving dinner mind you. We will be doing that on Sunday. Since the entire family is unable to come today, that was the decision. So, my eldest brother and his girlfriend will come along then and we’ll get all traditional.
Still, it is pretty nuts if you ask me. We had three big meals of Mexican food for a week. Hello variety at its finest?
Anyway, after eating, I cleaned up what I could and come five o’clock I finally got in some sleep. Yes, I still felt less than wonderful even then. So… I slept from then until around nine thirty or so. Pretty much I woke up around the time my mom went to bed.
Well… I took a shower, at the left over rice from dinner and cleaned up the dishes that piled up in the sink during my sleep fest. After meandering on the internet for a while, I decided it was high time to record all of this down.
This isn’t the end of it though. Tomorrow my mom, dad and I will be heading off to the cemetery that holds my grandparents. It is about two… maybe three hours or so away. Yep, the bouquets I worked on Wednesday afternoon shall be put to use tomorrow. My mom thinks we’ll be leaving at ten.
Saturday will be cooking and preparation day. Food will be put into the first stages of preparations and the house will be cleaned, all in the sake of having guests over for family time. We’ll likely be having turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls and who know what the other stuff will be?
Sunday will of course be the big day. My brother and his girlfriend will be over. My sister can’t make it. She couldn’t make it on Thursday and she won’t be able to make it on Sunday… She might come by on Monday though. I really have no idea.
Next month will start of quite busy as well. On the second we’ll be going on our hair expedition and the next day we’ll be welcoming the new puppy…

Oh lord… Vacation time my foot!

Well, around the beginning of this month my mom had spoken of wanting a chocolate lab. What spurred this on was seeing one at the vet when she took her dog in. Well, my dad has a colleague at work who knew a guy whose yellow lab recently had a litter of puppies. She had all colors… yellow, brown and black.
Anyway, this past Sunday we went to see them. They were cute. Mom was taken by a plump chocolate boy with a black collar on. I had my share of puppies coming to me… certain ones… there was the oldest, a chubby black lab who seemed to like me a great deal, and a pair of chocolates… a little sister and brother. I took to the brother. He was small and liked to tug on my shoe laces.
Well, despite my mom’s adoration of the older and bigger of the chocolates, she ended up getting the one I was fond of. She says so far I’ve been a good judge of animals. I warned her I’ve only selected cats, so it was still a gamble and that she should pick the one that she likes. After all, it will be her dog. There is chemistry and all of that to consider. The animal that calls to you the most is the best bet to go for, I say. She still said she trusted my judgment. Meh.
Well, she put in a check for him and we’ll be able to bring him home one the second of December when he is old enough to leave his mother. I’m relatively leery. We already have two big dogs in this house and they can be hard to navigate through at times. It is all good and fine when the pup is still a baby… but when he gets bigger… oh, that leaves me groaning at the concept. I can only hope my mom will train him well.
She’s named him McArthur. I could be wrong on the spelling though… It could be MacArthur. She intends to call him Macky. Heh. His full name made me groan. MacArthur of Mocha Persuasion is what she decided. She told me the excuse… pedigrees have “exotic” names. I say big, fat, hairy deal. That name is not justifiable. Heh.
Oh, well… her dog.
Sigh…
Another dog. It would be so much better if we had more room and a bigger backyard…

While dusting today I recalled last night. Mom and I were watching television as usual and in one scene a young detective was trying to work a suspect in the interrogation room. Serious and uptight, the suspect constantly goaded him because of that seriousness and in turn was amused by his ever so serious responses because it was obvious he was just becoming more infuriated
Seeing that, I thought, “I was likely played like that when in school.” Serious, uptight and paranoid… yeah, I fit the role well. With how others teased me… my anger and serious ways likely just amused them all the more. Oh, well.
Anyway, that led to another discovery I made a while back. My “peers” likely also saw me as a psycho. I had never thought of that possibility, but apparently… yeah… I think I likely was relatively psychotic back then as well. Despite knowing this, I find I wouldn’t change that.
If there is any truth I have come to believe in, it is the sincerity of emotions. I believe I should never regret those because they were how I truly felt at the time. Emotions don’t lie… only our perceptions of them and whatever reasons we create for their presence at the time can be.
I also don’t regret because in that, I had met Kyle. During that time I was hurting a great deal and from that hurt came the psychotic ways. Despite that, he was my friend.
We don’t see each other much anymore. We haven’t seen ach other in person for five years and around seven months. We kept contact over the internet though, but even that is dwindling. Despite that, I’m sure if he ever changes emails, he will let me know. I trust him, I believe.
Trust means a lot to me.
Despite the absence, the fact that we never lost a connection that says, “you can still find me whenever necessary” is what sealed the deal. I can’t recall if it was a promise or not, but he said he would be there always. I was uncertain of that five years ago. Now… I think I believe it completely.
The uncertainty back then? He knows why it was there. Times before with friends… such promises were empty. There was always separation. I expected in due time… be it months to years… he’d disappear like all the others. He hasn’t though. Every once in a while he sends signs of life. It is comforting.
Somewhere in the time frame of my dusting this morning a thought crossed my mind. I made a silent promise to myself once. I’d never try to kill myself again as long as someone needed me to remain on this earth. That came along after thinking how… if it wasn’t for Kyle, I actually wouldn’t be here today.
Anyway, I thought, “If I ever fall back to such desperation again… I‘ll make sure to contact him. I‘ll ask him, ‘Do you still need me around?’” Well, it would be something like that, anyway. I realized I decided that because I do believe his word. I believe that even in the far future, decades by now… I’ll still be able to contact him. I trust his word. It astounds me a bit… but it makes me happy.
I never thought such was possible.
Even though we don’t see each other much… I realize now that Kyle gives me hope.

I remember when in middle school I made up something called a “Dreamscape”. It was around the time I had just started learning about web page making in the simplest sense. I drew rather sketchy things at the time… I was in seventh grade maybe? Those sketches were a strange people… they were similar to us, but their skin was black as ink and their hair was of primary and secondary colors… none of those in between shades. You couldn’t see any features upon their faces either… no noses, no mouths… You could see their eyes though. It didn’t matter if they were smiling, scowling or something else. You’d never know. I made a crap-tacular website for amusement and scanned the pictures into my computer. After coloring them in a paint program I’d put them up.
I don’t know why I did that, but I think I wanted to make a world of human-like beings that didn’t make my life hell. That, or I was just bored. They had small descriptions. One was an inseparable pair. They were always together, joined at the hip and if one left for the simplest thing, like say nature calling, the one left outside the door would think the world was ending. Remembering that, I smile. I guess that was why they were made. They amused me.
Well, in the thought of that vague, shortly lived world… I thought of now. I realized something tonight. Though I had made that little world where things seemed a whole lot better to me… I look at my life right now and I think, “I achieved that now.”
Yeah, the life I live now and the world created then are nothing alike… but they are still the same idea: Inner Peace.

Summer of year 1995.