I was informed just now about my uncle… those shadows were extensions from the cancer on his previously removed kidney. The cancer is in his lungs and chest… I cannot remember the name other than it beginning with renal. No chemo can help it… Apparently survival rate to five years more is 5% if my memory of what she just told me is correct. Yes, my memory is that bad.
Sigh… As usual, hearing about death, I just go into a numb state minus the fact that my chest gets tight and I somewhat forget to breathe regularly…
I have nothing else to write…

Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me.
It has been okay so far… I’ve been paranoid on occasion, but he seems a heck of a lot better than the last guy. Talking with him for about half a week though… it is no different to me when I hold a brief conversation with someone I casually know, and I mean casually, or even when talking to others I only see a brief time… like when at a check out at the grocery store.
There just is no connection. He’s nice and all, but I feel no interest. At best I just think, “Well, at least I’m socializing a bit more doing this…” Oh, well.
Onwards… I saw the foot doctor yesterday. I got my orthodics and they are working out great so far. Admittedly my lower back is bothering me, but I really feel the change. Walking doesn’t feel awkward like it did before! Yosh!
Another thing happened yesterday too. I joined a new board on the twenty sixth… it is for asexuals. Well, from it, I learned the term for how I feel in another case. Agender. I always had trouble identifying with the sexes… I never felt I fit with girls, but I never felt like I did with boys either. On that site, I found my feelings aren’t so far fetched! There were others! It made me happy.
Despite all of this okay news though… In my most recent round of trying to get out there a bit, even if it is just via the net, it is just as hard as previous endeavors. I always try when I get these urges… I just… never seem to fit in no matter where I go. While I can relate to people on this board, I still feel like an outsider. I almost always feel this way when it comes to people.
It seems the only time I feel loneliness is when I actually try to find friends. In my search, I never seem to find a real connection with another… I just feel lost in a swarm of people. I become longing and sad. An ache enters my chest and I know loneliness.
Sigh…
It really got to me last night when I tried to go to sleep. The ache was there and I just wanted to hug someone. My parents were asleep though and I certainly wasn’t going to wake one of them up just because I needed a hug.
There have been a few people who managed to make me feel I belonged in my life… but they are few and fleeting. I remember how once I left high school, I’d read about a certain friend’s life and he changed so much… Well, he was essentially the same; he just entered a more social world. A similar ache and sadness occurred at that time. I hadn’t been able to watch these changes in him and I had no way of sharing such things with him… And I felt lonely because of that.
It had been that way back when I started middle school too. All of my friends from elementary school were all changing and drifting away. They had cliques they needed to join, new friends to hang with. Their interests changed to things I couldn’t understand. In the end, while it was all alien to me… I just felt like the alien. Again… I was the outsider.
It doesn’t help that I’m not particularly interesting. I know I’m not. I lack the ability to follow many conversations as well…
But I’ll try. Nonetheless, it seems for naught. Even if a person does reply to me… it is all so distant. There is no connection and I feel loneliness.
I’m going to continue this little venture though. It won’t surprise me if it ends the same as my previous ones… but I’ll just try until my will dwindles down again and I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired. It is all I can do…

Wednesday I was informed my uncle saw the doctor and there are two shadows on his lungs. He also happens to be the uncle with MS and not too long ago he had his kidney removed due to cancer… Oi. Bad luck is falling on everyone… My parents, my mom’s side of the family and dad’s side of the family… Sigh.
Later on my sister dropped by and stayed from Wednesday night to Friday. I have nothing to really say to that.
We are still in financial problems. I added in three hundred more bucks to the home mortgage than my original amount to help out.
Friday I got up at six thirty, ate breakfast took a shower and by seven forty-five Mom and I left for a dental appointment. There we did a usual cleaning. In between mine, I had a panoramic x-ray taken. They wanted to see if I had any wisdom teeth hidden on my upper gums. It seems I only have two to worry about, as there were none above. Well, after a few years of them noting about them, we finally are making plans of taking them out. We just haven’t decided on a date yet. Other than that, my teeth are doing fine.
Done around six fifteen, my mom and I headed home. I did a few chores and she got ready to go to work. She left around nine thirty.
I went to bed again sometime later. I awoke again at twelve when my dad came home. I got up, did the rest of my chores minus the vacuuming and soon enough he had to leave. My sister was leaving at that time too and so was going to drop him off at work. I waved goodbye and shut the garage door when they pulled out.
After that I ate some lunch a quarter to one. I worked on the computer after that until my dad got home around four. When that occurred I took a nap. An hour later my mom arrived home and left for the bank.
Due to the money issues, I withdrew what I had left money wise. When we were done with that we ate dinner with my brother and headed home once more. After that there was television watching.
I went to bed around ten after that and woke again some point in the middle of the night. I stayed up for a while, read and did a few things and then hit the hay again some hours later.
Saturday I woke around seven thirty, did some chores, worked on the computer, ate breakfast and took a shower. The order is uncertain. Finally around eleven my dad was getting ready to leave for the groceries. I had a quick lunch in the form of a peanut butter sandwich and we were off.
Two things on the grocery list could not be found, so my dad and I looked into two health food stores after that. We only found one of the items. In the last one we looked into, I searched for something with Xylitol in it. At the dentist the woman recommended I try using that. Apparently it stops bacteria in the mouth from producing harmful acids that cause tooth decay. Well, I found some mints made of the stuff and tried one out on the way home.
Well, we got home. We unloaded and put up groceries. I cleaned some and headed back to my room. I had something to work on via the computer. Most of my afternoon was taken up with that.
I don’t quite remember the later hours of the afternoon though, but I might have taken a nap. Anyway, around six my mom wants to watch TV, so we do. In between I heat up a potato and eat it for dinner.
Sunday… I slept a lot for some reason. I mean, yeah, I was up… I did chores, ate meals and read occasionally, but for the most part… I was out. Maybe it is the weather… It is cooling down here a bit finally.
Not much is to be said… my brother came by around noon, he stayed for dinner and we ate “breakfast” for dinner. The menu was bacon, eggs and pancakes. We ate, watched CNN because nothing else was on and my brother eventually left.
Around seven I headed to my room because I was freaking cold. Earlier my brother and turned the A/C down to 74 cool and that is not good for me. It caused me to get a running nose and thus I was sneezing a lot. Well, when he left I changed it to 76. Despite wearing my hoodie jacket and jeans, I couldn’t warm up, so I snuggled under the covers of my bed. I wound up falling asleep of course.
I woke again around eleven last night. I read, checked some things that regard chores and ate my midnight meal. I went to bed again sometime in the ungodly hours of the morning.
It is Monday now. I can breathe again and my day has been routine so far. Yeah.