Well, while I was an asshole this morning, I was an asshole who was unseen. It seems I am still my usual self when it comes down to stress. My adrenaline picks up and I am either worried like made or simply pissed off. I was pissed this time around. Why? I was woken thirty minutes late. Why should that piss me off? It put my entire morning schedule off. When certain things don’t go as planned, I freak out.
So, I wake up, see it is six-thirty. I was supposed to be woken thirty minutes ago and given that ulcer medicine. Well, just as I make it out my door my dad arrives with pill in hand. I take it and more or less go back to my room since I must wait an hour before I can eat. So, seven-thirty would be when I’d eat. Thus, that would mean I’d have to wait until eight-thirty to start the treadmill. I’d more or less be done finally at nine-thirty. Then there would be chores and I’d have to wait longer until lunch and blah, blah, blah. Basically my whole schedule was off and when I was supposed to eat at least every six hours, this time around I would not have eaten for seven.
Well, looking back now, I was making a huge deal out of little, but that is me when running on adrenaline and panic. So, four minutes pass and I decide to recalculate. I would change my schedule around. I wrapped up my weak ankle, got on my shoes, readied my music player, grabbed a water bottle and headed for the treadmill.
I made a detour to ask my mom if it would be okay for me to do such on an empty stomach full of adrenaline. She was in the shower and I pretty much cursed her in my head. I was still in a piss poor mood and walked while trying to keep myself calm because the adrenaline was not helping my ulcer. Half the walk was spent thinking, mentally ranting and cursing. Yeah, that is my asshole side. I was angry at my dad, frantic about the schedule and then annoyed with myself for being a bastard.
The reason I am usually seen as the good kid is due to my lack of fuss, I think. At worst I am snappish and show my pissed off mood despite all my struggles to keep it under wraps. Despite that there is no cursing or violence. I just try to avoid and when approached I tend to be unpleasant. Well, what is going on beneath all that is cursing. In equivalence to it being expressed it would either be very lashing, vocal or things would be thrown all over the place. At worse, things would be destroyed.
Well, none of those things happened. As said, I walked, I silently vented, I mentally cursed my dad, and then I mentally cursed myself for cursing him, I reflected and whatever. Because of the mood I was in I was able to do 3.3 mph for 1/4 a mile though. I was telling myself not to do such due to the whole work yourself slowly thing, but I lost track of distance in my brooding. It troubled me naught.
I was still easily agitated when I was starting to cool down mentally. While it is a given I depend on my parents and really need their help when it comes to keeping a schedule, it is my fault as well. I could always try to use the alarm on my clock again. Sure, it doesn’t always work out – I mean, I sleep through fire truck and ambulance sirens – but it could always help. Even more, I should be grateful my parents both look after me. They care and try their best. Not all parents are like that. I am fortunate that they help me keep track of my meds and make sure I take them everyday because if they didn’t, I’d suffer from withdraw or end up overdosing more than I’d like.
Still, despite all my rationalizing and disapproving my disrespectful thoughts, when my dad entered the room I was annoyed. When he turned on the overhead light I was annoyed more. Sometimes when he stood across the room in the proximity of the corner of my eye it even annoyed me. As usual I cursed myself for being a bastard and that I should get a hold of myself or whatever.
When I finished I got off and headed for a shower. While in there I did a few more calculations. I got out and by seven-thirty I started to microwave my bowl of oatmeal. I unloaded the dishwasher and thought of how I still “discipline” myself. I noted I still tend to “raise” myself. In my extremely old journal writings when I was full of anger, I would say I was my own parent. I think I still am. While I’m not as ignorant as I was a decade ago to have the audacity to say neither of my parents were there for me, I do think my “self-raising” is indeed a “third parent”. I think it even has a sort of proof to it when I look at my older siblings. My parents have always lacked in discipline it seems. I think my “third parent” provided that.
While I am not perfect, I still strive to be good. I doubt it will ever come naturally to me. Still, I do have some control. With my form of self-discipline I manage to keep myself in line. It helps me create the least amount of damage as possible. I don’t do anything rash unless provoked and even then I try my best to keep it minimal. In all of this I think, try to calm down and give reprimand to things I thinking that are unfair, wrong or just mean.
I try to be good, but looking at myself earlier, it seems I’ll always have a “natural” bad streak whenever stressed. Despite the pills and my calmer life style, it seems such will not change it. All I can do is try to control it. While in the past I’d berate myself for being weak and allowing myself to have those moments, I think now, it is inevitable. The most I can do is keep it under control when it does happen.
Sigh… Well, sitting down and typing this, I have become a lot calmer and am near my usual disposition. I suppose I am relieved at that. That is all then. I simply thought it would be good to keep record of this.
Monthly Archives: March 2009
Family Health Issues…
Well, I went for my physical on Saint Patrick’s Day. I’m overall fine. I’m going to be on Nexium for two months to see if my ulcer/whatever clears up. If not, I’ll see a gastroenterologist? I think that is the word. Anyway, they ran an EKG just in case and I’m doing just fine. Everything has checked out so far. During Easter I’ll go in later for the blood work and such.
My mom went with me, as we always have our appointments on the same day. She had a clean bill of health minus some ear wax build up. Well, that didn’t last long. Friday night something started. She went to the ER to have it checked out Sunday and is now on some meds. She thinks it is a urinary thing.
To add on to all of this, my brother came by for dinner and later asks about my dad’s eye. Apparently he has complained to my brother during his visit about his eye bothering him – so much for letting the members of the family he lives with know. Well, be it by my mom or someone else in the family, my dad will get his eye checked on. Last thing needed is some sort of infection and all that.
Monday I went to the dentist for my usual check up. I seem to be doing well. She says I am taking care of my teeth just fine. I spoke about my change of diet and asked questions. If anything, I’ll likely add in some fluoride mouthwash. It seems all my teeth issues were from my time of drinking so much soda due to dry mouth. Yeah, I’ll be paying for that the rest of my life I guess.
I have a lot of weak places and my gum line needs to be focused on a lot. I’ll have to go back on April 15th for two cavities to be filled. Despite my good job, I still have all of those weak points and various cavities that aren’t so bad that they need to be fixed right away. Joy.
Today’s Times…
This is just something that has bothered me and was stirred up by stupid arguments about Disney’s upcoming production “The Princess and the Frog”. Yeah, racial stuff. Now, a lot of things this year and previous years have annoyed me but the recent thing I stumbled upon just got me talking.
So, from what I know, the movie starts out “The Frog Princess”. The main character was a heroine named Maddy. She was to be a scullery maid from the 1920’s in America whose prince is named Harry. Well, people pitched a fit about this.
First, her name was an issue. Some people complained that “Maddy”, which was short for Madeleine, was a stereotypical, lower-class, “slave” name. I say screw that. People shorten up names! Madeleine is a perfectly fine name and Maddy is an appropriate nickname for it. Who the heck is the say what a “slave” name is anyway? Many different people with many different sorts of names have been slaves. Any name can be a slave’s name.
There is then the complaint about the role of her being a maid working for a white rich person. Um, how about Cinderella and Snow White then? Look back people. It is the 1920’s! This is placed in a historical time and setting! Read a freaking history book! That is long before African-American civil rights came to play. Disney is just keeping up with history. Remember, this is an African-American princess here.
Even if she was in Africa or the like, she probably would only have been royalty in a tribe that hasn’t been forced into “civilization”. If she was South African she would have been like such – a maid to others – even in the 1970’s because of racial segregation there. If Disney tried to do that, she’d no longer be an African-American but a South African and people would then complain that they are implying she is a savage or that a black girl can’t be a princess here. B! S!
So, Disney changes this. When they try to keep historically correct for the most part, unlike how they did with “Pocahontas”, people still b*tch. So, Disney’s b*st*rdizing history again isn’t their fault this time it seems. Think people! Think! If you learned American History at least up to eighth grade you should know this! Disney was not being racist, dumb-f*cks!
Now, recently the prince has made an appearance. I stumbled upon an article titled, “Disney’s ‘The Princess and the Frog’ Has Black Princess, White Prince”. Upon reading it I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the ignorance of some people. First off, if you ever knew what his first name was supposed to be, Harry, might make you think of a man from Great Britain – it did me. I was automatically expecting a white dude. Later the name was changed to Naveen. Now recently there is a picture of him making its way around the Internet. The prince is not “WHITE”. He looks Hispanic or Middle-Eastern if anything.
Anyway, color isn’t everything. People just make it into a mountain because they/we have a need to be on top. It is “this or that”. As long as people keep thinking such a way, gray will never come about. The prince if anything is that gray. You don’t see this sort of issue from Natives or Asians in America. Sure, some Natives disapproved Pocahontas being changed from a freaking ten year old to the assumable age of twenty. Even more disapproved that she suddenly was paired up with John Smith as a romantic coupling since that NEVER happened, but you never saw them pitch a fit over her not being with another Native! “Oh, so a Native American can’t be a prince?” “Oh, so Disney thinks love between a Native-American Indian girl and a Native-American boy isn’t possible!” You didn’t see that sort of sh*t being said.
While some will twist it around, I really find the coupling a beautiful thing. It isn’t saying that a black man can’t be a bloody prince! It isn’t saying that the love between two black people cannot occur. It is saying something like, “Hey, if we try to get a black prince in the picture, the setting would have to be a different time period like the future or just an alternate universe.” America doesn’t have royalty, idiots. We have presidents. If you want an African-American princess she’ll have to marry a foreign prince. While there were black African royalty during those times, Disney wouldn’t try to use a real person for this, would they?
Even more! So what if the villain is “black”? All the other Disney Princesses had “white” villains – yeah, I’m going with the “There is only the blacks and the whites” concept here, so the villains in Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin and Mulan “MUST” be white! Besides, this is about a prince AND a princess. So, the villain could very well be Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, African or African-American (on rare occasions skin colors that are not human) if you go along with “tradition” when it comes to Disney Princess movies.
Also, look at the logic! So, what is more likely? A person who might have roots from Africa practicing Voodoo or a person whose origins were likely from England practicing Voodoo? Use some sense people. I’m sorry; if they used a white villain and kept up with the FROG theme I highly doubt a priest of a church that follows Jesus Christ will call upon the powers of God to turn some Middle Eastern prince into a frog. Maybe if you can convince Disney to introduce worshipers of Satan to little kids and convince the audience that some white dude called upon the powers of hell to turn some prince into a freaking frog, that’ll do!
I truly think that all of this is due to being able to see and thus make categories by colors. Get rid of our eyesight and we wouldn’t know who is really what color. Instead we’d make issues over voices, pronunciation, dialect, slang and all that crap! Notice how ridiculous that would be? It is the same here.
This is History people. Segregation and slavery existed here and exists elsewhere. You can’t change the past. All the changes just b*st*rdizes the concept and this time it isn’t Disney making the film suitable for little kids. It is people throwing hissy fits. Yes, Hissy fits.
All of this separation still exists today. Those who suffer from racism will just as easily do the same when the tables are turned. Humans are hypocrites. Many African-Americans can go on all they like, but they are taking advantage now. Not all do, but many have been brought up to raise a red flag at anything. Seriously. An Asian kid can be picked on easily with racial insults. On the Internet people easily write the word “J@p” and no one gets onto them. Now, if you use “N!gger”, heaven forbid! Well, you know what? “J@p” is just as bad. Ignorant *ssh*l*s!
Separation is still apparent. Some African-Americans purposely separate themselves. At schools, the cafeterias will still be divided into those who are “black” and those who are whatever color. When gangs are formed it is usually of those that are of only one color, white gangs, black gangs, Hispanic gangs and whatever. You know why there is still separation? Some of us don’t think and don’t get over it. Yeah, some people may have had family members like grandparents or older who were enslaved. Yes, Civil Rights for African-Americans have only been around so long, so there are parents who remember those times and the struggles. However, if you don’t tolerate the past and accept the change, things will never be truly grasped.
This isn’t about racism. It is about what has happened. Such things shouldn’t be glossed over. That only leads to ignorance. It is the past and yes it was a terrible thing, but it only lives on to this day because some people won’t get over themselves. Do you see Asians making a fuss over Mulan? Do you see a ton of issues over segregation, “disrespect” and whatnot from other races? No. Other people like Asians, Hispanics even the Irish were shipped to America and were enslaved, treated lowly and all that. Remember concentration camps, people?
As for other things like people making political jokes about Obama, that is bull too. I saw the thing about the “Watermelon Whitehouse” and the monkey junk. I had to be explained to why the watermelon gag was so offensive and I could understand the monkey thing due to caricature. You know what I saw? The same bloody stuff I’ve always have seen about presidents in America. I say it isn’t a bad thing either. It shows that those who made such cartoons or gags treat him like any other previous white president before him. Some people out there just won’t think logically. F*ck*rs.
Just Stuff…
Well, things are going okay it seems. My diet is still the same, but I have the joys of bacon. Bacon sandwiches and bacon on potatoes are wonderful things. I also seem to be able to have Nilla Wafers. I am happy.
Other changes are the added vitamins… I take a multivitamin and an extra pill of vitamin E. I have this tiny bump beneath my skin on the far side of my pectoral. I figure it is scar tissue, since it feels like it to me. My mom couldn’t feel it but thinks the E should be taken as a precaution. She says it doesn’t make sense for me to have scar tissue there. I in turn think of how cats have clawed me in various areas in my life, including the time a cat climbed up my bare skin to get to my shoulders.
Another thing I do as of late is walk on the treadmill two miles every other day. I figure, I’m not a kid anymore so I might as well try to be more active now. Yeah, I’m a sloth. All I do really is chores as a physical activity each day. I always prefer working my mind than my body. Still, I’m doing well. I walk, I sweat, I listen to music and I zone out for about forty-five minutes. It does nothing in regards to my metabolism though and my sleeping is still screwed up as usual.
Mentally I’ve gone back to my story. I fear it is a part of me now. It will not leave me alone until I die – not that I mind. I just had the urge to read it again. I’ve edited some things, changed a few scenes just a tad and wrote an introduction. My files are updated and so are the changes on the page.
Languidly I’ve been drawing as well. Since my wrist issue, I never care so much to draw like I used to. Instead I tend to pick up a pencil and draw characters from shows, movies, books or whatever. There is the term “fan art”… I rarely do actual fan art. Usually when I draw a character, it is to see something.
Can I make her prettier? I wonder what happened to [a picture]… perhaps I’ll draw my own version of it since I can’t find it. I want a better version of this; it is grainy and small!
I watched children videos from the early nineties recently. One was a craptaculiar version of Beauty and the Beast. The voices bothered me, the character design was inconsistent and the animation lacked graceful flow. Well, all I could do was redraw the main character. Basically he looks the same, just better. Yeah, I do these “fan arts” as a form of experimentation.
Sigh…
Other than that not much is going on. My dad can see better. My mom is really getting into quilting and sewing clothes as of late. My cat rocks and I adore him as usual. My siblings are as they are. Dad is interested in paying me back though… Heh. He should do that when he has a lot of money. Ah, the economy.
Anyway, those dates mentioned earlier were the seventeenth and the twenty-third. They are physicals and a dentist.
Hair, Skin, Eyes and Stomach…
Well, Friday my mom and I left for our haircut expedition. I packed something of a lunch for myself for once. Since my diet is “strict†I needed to eat around twelve instead of waiting until two to three.
Usually we leave around eight arrive around ten-thirty to eleven. We stay there until around one thirty to two-thirty and then leave, eat, and head home to arrive back around five. That is a lot of time to not eat and I am supposed to eat at least four small meals a day and have snacks in between those times. So, three water bottles, a small container with some peanut butter, a wheat bagel and some cheese sticks were packed.
As usual, we left at eight. Around nine-thirty, I tried a cheese stick of a different brand than usual. I hated it. I ate it sure, but I hated it. I decided to skip my afternoon cheese stick later in the day.
We arrived around ten-thirty; my mom decides to shop around since her appointment doesn’t start until eleven. I of course forgot my jacket and already suffered from goose bumps after being in the mall for five minutes at most. My mom thought of having me buy a jacket there, but when I found a hoodie it was thirty freaking bucks and that was on sale. Hell, no!
Well, we went to the second level, my mom checked in and I waited with her until her hair colorist arrived. I left, wandered around the mall and looked to see if there were any book stores. Now, I’ve been to this mall since I was a freaking infant so I knew my way around when it came to places there I liked. That is no more. A lot of stores have closed, moved or went out of business. I was just seeing if there was any hope of something else being around.
Nope. Even more stores were gone. Some old stores worked as displays for some stores that still existed. The bookstore I’d go into was gone back in 2008 and there is still nothing there in place of it. The Fye store is gone this time around. Earthbound moved to the bottom floor but was still in the process of moving, so it was out of the question. Pretty much even more stores were gone and much of the time I saw empty lots.
I managed to go all around the top and bottom floor before I headed back to the salon and told my mom what changes had occurred since our last visit. The mall really is becoming something of a ghost town. It saddens my mom. I don’t remember it well as a child, but it is a shame. Sure, I rarely found anything I’d buy at the few stores I visited while there, but they gave me something to do while waiting.
Well, I left again. I either sat outside the salon to read or I became cold and simply walked around the entire mall again to warm up. By around eleven-fifteen I stopped by again. I took out the bagel and peanut butter, sat down and ate my lunch. After that I believe I read until my appointment was up.
I left my book in my mom’s care, had my hair washed and then cut. I talked with my stylist, noted that my mom thought I might have a stomach ulcer and dramatized my lacking the ability to eat good food.
When it was over, I don’t really know. My hair was cut as usual though. I believe my mom was still having her coloring done… Anyway, I left and walked around the mall again since again I was cold. After that, I came back and read until maybe one or one-thirty.
I decide to check on my mom only to find her sitting at a waiting area. Her stylist squeezed someone in before her expecting to be able to get it done in a snap. Nope. The person she so kindly did such a favor for was problematic and was never satisfied with anything the stylist did. So, my mom had to wait. It had been probably forty five minutes of waiting until I got there.
I sat with mom and eventually she saw the lady who cut my hair was getting done with her current client. My mom got up and asked if she could cut her hair if she didn’t have a client coming in shortly. She didn’t, so my mom finally got her hair tended to. I left then because I was cold. I walked around the mall again. As I finished my round on the top and bottom floor I decided to check on my mom. She was on the bench waiting for me. She had been out there only five minutes.
Well, we were set. We left and headed for the small soup and salad shop we tend to eat lunch at after such outings. I couldn’t have any tortilla pizzas like usual so I replaced that with a backed potato. I was in utter luck with the soup this time around. They had a vegetable one that had no tomatoes in it. Mom got her usual… vegetables and beans galore.
Well, we ate. I was stuck with water… damn I miss tea and Diet Coke… We talked as usual. I noted some woman who had been behind me in the soup line used a snotty tone with me when saying excuse me. Such situations lead to me venting. In situations that are beyond my control where a person takes a tone with me over something that is logically explained just by looking… I get very irked.
There was a line. Sure, I got my soup, but the line lead to the breads and dammit I wanted my usual bread. Thus, due to there being a line, I took up the soup line, as did my mother who also had gotten her soup and was waiting on the bread line as well. How the hell was I supposed to move out of the woman’s way? Did she want me to push through the people in front of me? Oi. Well, the line moved after that. Mom got her blueberry muffin bread, I got some bread sticks.
I think that woman sat in the booth behind me with her friends or family actually. Rather irked me a bit then too. They were loud. I like quieter settings when eating or otherwise. I know that people tend to raise their voices when happy or excited… but damn… You are right in front of each other… you needn’t yell.
Sigh. Well, mom and I left and around that time I was beginning to dose. Mom still tried to find a book store, to look for a book that had recipes suited for an ulcer diet. There were two other places we knew of. My mom tried “The Book Stop†since it was the closest on our way out. Well, the place we tried was gone as well as the restaurant next to it. They were empty lots. There were still some stores in the area, but nothing of use to us. So, we left.
I slept the whole way back more or less. We got home, I’m placed some of my mom’s things away and saw my dad. My brother was home and they apparently ate Wendy’s. I was still rather tired and headed to my room.
Sometime later my mom was hungry and wanted to get some Chinese. I mainly thought, “What the heck do you think I can get from there other than steamed white rice?†Well, I said fine. To my sadness, my mom wanted me to watch TV with her, thus I dealt with eating flavorless rice while I smelt her Chinese food. It was relatively annoying. I got over it.
We watched some TV and after that I retired. Sure, I slept in the car and all that, but that is never really that restful. So, I slept. I woke around three, ate my fourth meal of the day which was the rest of the rice from dinner and went back to sleep a while later.
Mom woke me up around eight or nine I guess. I had my oatmeal, my meds, my vitamin and the heartburn/ulcer pill. I went back to sleep after that. Dad woke me up again close to noon time Saturday. I took my shower, snacked on some crackers and left to do grocery shopping.
We did out usual shopping and my dad decided to buy my groceries for me. I wondered if it was to slowly pay me back for buying his and mom’s groceries the week before. He said no. Well, I’m factoring it in anyway. Sigh… I really wanted buy a diet soda while there. Even a diet tea would do. Nope… I couldn’t. I got a freaking bottle of water.
We got home then, unpacked groceries and I worked on cleaning up the kitchen some.
During this my mom kept mentioning to me about going to her fabric store so she could get some more fabric. I inwardly cringed. I remembered the first and last time I was there. I was utterly bored. Well, eventually I answered that I still needed to eat lunch. She was willing to wait.
So, I toasted a wheat bagel, added cheese or peanut butter and ate. With that done I readied my pass down iPod, grabbed water and waited for her to get ready to go. Waiting on me she decided to clean her bathroom, so I waited longer than I expected.
We left, she browsed and I listened to music as I piddled about. She found, she bought and we finally left. We had one more errand to do before arriving home though. We stopped by Walgreen’s. She got some things while I just followed or pointed out where certain items were located and we headed home. We arrived around three or four. I don’t really remember the rest of the day.
I don’t remember Sunday that well either. I do know I ate lunch around one and around two I decided to try out my mom’s treadmill. That decision came about when I asked my mom how long a distance I likely walked the other day when in the mall. Her response surprised me.
Looking at how for about two weeks I have not been doing any crunches due to fear up causing ill side effects to my stomach, I decided I’d try walking instead. So, onto the machine I went. It only took me a minute or two to figure out how to start and set it. I even tried to keep in mind the whole “you must do a warm up and a cool down†thing.
So, with that I was on the thing for an hour and ten minutes, walked two miles and sweated enough to cause dizziness when through. I forgot to bring water. Oops.
Maybe around four I took a nap. My dad woke me for dinner. He made pancakes, eggs and bacon for dinner by my request. The pancakes were okay… mine were oatmeal kind. I skipped the syrup since I didn’t know if it would be okay. The bacon was wonderful… flavor! Flavor!
Dad was miffed by my not wanting any eggs. Meh. I think almost everyone in the family knows by now that I hate eggs. It has been a known fact since at least middle school. Heck, if I dislike fish, beef, pork and all that stuff, why would he expect me to like eggs? The only meat I ever eat is lean breaded chicken breast or strips. On rare occasions I’ll eat lean turkey, beef jerky or lean crispy bacon. That is it and usually it is when I am having a craving – likely for something with protein. Dad just has always shown he doesn’t remember particulars.
Well… Monday he had his eye surgery on his other eye. My mom woke me up after they got back so I’d eat breakfast and take all my lovely pills. It was the last of the heartburn/ulcer medicine. I stayed up to do my chores and some other things. My dad decided to stay home.
Some point I fell asleep that morning and woke again around twelve or so. I ate lunch, checked on Dad, did some more chores, read, vacuumed and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke once more around six. I boiled some water for noodles and dallied on the Internet. Mom came home from the gym; I prepared my noodles and then headed back for my room. She cooked her own supper and then called me out to watch TV with her. We ate our suppers, watched a show and eventually my brother popped in. My dad soon entered and all of us were watching TV together. Looking back one might consider it a surreal moment.
Well, around eight or eight-thirty my brother left for work, we sort of drifted out of the room. Dad eventually went to bed, I cleaned up the kitchen some and then my mom and I returned to watch the rest of the show.
I went to my room once it was over. I stayed up, worked on the computer some and tried to sleep around eleven. That did not happen. So, two hours later I decided to get up and write this.
It is now 1:37… Maybe I’ll sleep now. Anyway, I’m still stuck with my sucky diet. The pills for it are over with, but I’m sticking to the bland foods and must survive with only water and milk. If things keep going well, I shall be lucky. If it goes downhill again due to lack of medicine… well… that will be utterly evil. Anyway, I’ll be undergoing yearly checkups this month and on. This month I’ll see the family doctor and later on the dentist. I’ll get the dates down later.