Our oldest cat, Tiger, got an abscess on his ear and we had him taken in while my mom made preparations on Thursday. We give him medicine now for it. He seems okay though.
In the middle of the night, after my mom went to bed fretting over her lost pills, I worked on trying to find them again. I took a break and Shred came online. His life is full of stress and he sort of reminds me of when I was back in school. He told me he envied me. The three things were freedom, lack of general responsibility and having no one thrusting expectations on me. I was surprised and feared he might have disliked me.
Admittedly I have a very simple life and many would likely consider it a dream minus the income. I try not to be ungrateful and truly consider myself very fortunate. Seeing those around me, I do feel more or less unworthy and guilty. After all, I wound up where I am due to becoming unhinged in what most people would consider low stress environments.
I understand why I am here. I understand that, yeah, with how my body, psych and emotions reacted to stimuli I pretty much went into break down mode when even in setting most wouldn’t consider stressful.
In turn, based on many years of break downs, depressions, cuttings and that happy attempt at suicide, some people that deal with Medicaid saw my file and apparently deemed me as a complete nutcase who’d never make it in the work field. Thus, considered as a dependent adult-child I’ve wound up being a stay at home housekeeper with a flexible schedule to my parents, gets meds and am able to pay rent, buy groceries and have a cat.
In my attempts to go to college or at least get a part time job and work my way up, I realized how pathetic I am in the work force. I couldn’t even have one college class for one semester without getting anxious, depressed and questioning why I was alive. Two classes the semester before that had been worse.
I tried looking for part-time jobs, but never really got anywhere there, so I tried volunteer work at a school library. After a month there were headaches and stress. Slowly questions of why I was here and the purpose of living began. My Trichotillomania acted up again. I started writing depressive thoughts in my journal again and eventually realized I was wishing to cut again.
In the end I finally went to my mom and noted how pathetic it was. I checked in books, checked out books and put books up and in order. It was a quiet environment, low stress and low interaction. Doing just about a month of that slowly/quickly (whichever way you see it) sent me back to the deep end.
Sigh…
I’m grateful with how my life has turned around. I’m grateful for all that I have. I don’t like seeing all the troubles my family and friends go through… but as far as they are concerned, what do I know about their problems? I suppose I know little to absolutely nothing.
It doesn’t change that I wish I could help and that I am sorry they can’t have better lives as well.
Meh. I’m getting down. I should go into all the other things I mean to write down.
Anyway…
My brother arrived home and was half covered by gasoline. I told him about mom’s missing pills and how she’s been anxious about the surgery anyway and how losing the pills intensified the matter. I added in the possibility of her not being able to get a refill and if that ended up being so she would have to cancel the surgery a second time. I asked him if he ever saw them and he replied no. He said he didn’t even know about them.
He told me about the gasoline. He was helping a friend take out unleaded gasoline from his Diesel. The gas leaked on him and he came back to take a shower and figure out what to do with his clothes. Well, he went to take his shower and I kept looking. I didn’t know whether to believe him ore not, but if he did steal them, he now knew we were aware and of Mom’s situation.
When he got out, I asked him if he would at least help me look. He said he could for only a short while. As he was getting things in order and decided to just throw his ruined clothes out, I kept searching. My dad either woke up on his own and heard me or I woke him from my rustling, he entered the kitchen and asked what I was doing. I told him about Mom’s day, how she went to get our med prescriptions, how she dropped them off and then when she found out her pain meds were missing.
Well, my brother appears and my dad starts questioning him. He flat out asked him if he stole the meds. That was the wrong approach. Meh. Things continued on, my dad woke up my mom and then all of us were up. There was talking, Dad’s accusations, searching and such. My brother seemed helpless and even started to cry from my dad’s constant badgering. Well, my brother eventually retreated to his room, my parents went to theirs and I went to mine after a futile search.
After a while I heard my brother leave in his car. I eventually went to bed and woke to see my parents off around seven. My mom’s foot doctor understood on the matter and she was able to get a refill. She went through with the surgery around seven thirty and the operation seemed to least only an hour and a half at most. I did my chores and stayed with her all of Friday to cater to her needs.
We still don’t know if my brother did indeed steal the pills or not, but as my mom says, “There’s nothing we can do, so don’t worry about it anymore.” I’m over my anger and frustration now. I’m just happy things relatively worked out.
Since my mom is stuck in bed now, all of us are picking up some of her chores. My brother walked her dog today and cleaned up the backyard for her. I cleaned out the litter boxes and did my usual chores after my dad and I got groceries. My brother and I worked on getting medicine down Tiger. Dad catered to getting her food. I catered to getting her drinks and cleaning up the trash she accumulated about her.
Pretty much, we three will be a bit busier for a while. Mom of course doesn’t like it, but I don’t mind. it amused me when she said she was sorry for having me wait on her. It was fine. While I did forget things like numbers when she told me things, I did relatively well… I did forget to retrieve her tea once… Well, as long as she can remind me I do fine!
In other news, this evening I got an email from one of the twins. To my sadness they are not doing well overall, but it was relieving to know they were still alive. Sigh… how I wish I could help them as well as my parents. As usual, money makes the world go ’round. If I won the lottery I’d give it to my parents to pay their bills and debts and them to pay for their financial difficulties as well. If any was left over, I’d give the rest to charity. Meh…
Sigh…
Well, that is all.

Well, while half of the time I see my siblings as selfish, tonight my second brother takes the cake again. After about four years of apparent lack of stealing and drug use… my mother and I have belief that he has struck again. This is why we determine “apparent”…
Well, my mom was looking for some pain meds she got today for an upcoming surgery she has on Friday. She couldn’t find them. She looked, I looked and we came up with nothing. We checked all of her usual areas and I checked all the logical areas. We over lapped each other and checked more than once. There were no meds.
My mom even dug through the trash to look for the bag it came in and the list of what she got. She found mine, but all trace of hers was gone. The meds, the bag and the list were gone.
By then the fear was determined. We cannot help but believe my brother stole them. My mom is already anxious over the surgery. She has been preoccupied and forgetful as of late due to it. Now she doesn’t have the bloody pain meds. My brother is adding onto her stress, causing problems and is being a selfish idiot.
In turn I’m pissed off at him for stirring up this trouble. My parents are aging, they have sacrificed a lot for us, they are in debt because all of my siblings have drained them of money through stealing or loan payments. My dad is in poor health as it is and even though he’s retired he still has to work.
Though they are my siblings, I curse them. My sister is a selfish bitch who treats my parents like shit. She only cares about herself and expects the world to revolve around her. I don’t care about her problems anymore because she shows no respect for my parents and she won’t even stop to realize they do love, worry and care about her. All she does is blame them for not supporting her, not caring and a bunch of other crap that are just lies.
My second brother quit his job when he was almost head pressman, leaves for our old hometown and then comes back again because he doesn’t like his job. He can’t pay rent, he’s freeloading off my parents and now he does this shit again. I want to knock him over the head.
If I see him tonight, I’m going to tell him to help me look for her pain killers. If he helps, I’m going to tell him how this is affecting mom as well as me. If he doesn’t produce them or doesn’t help me search, I’m going to tell him I sadly believe he stole them then and if he did I hope he gives them back. If he doesn’t, then he might as well leave because all he is doing is falling back into his old habits, killing my parents and making me hate him.
Sigh…
At least my e-brother is doing better though. He’s the only one I don’t dislike at the moment. He has a full time job and at least tries to pay rent. He’s also been thinking of trying to go back to college. My parents won’t be able to send him, but if he does continue with his ideas and plans, he’ll be hopefully getting onto a better track in life.
Oi.
Well, I’m tense; I’ve been rubbing my forehead and thinking about how disappointed I am in my second brother. I wish my beliefs were wrong, but it is his same MO. My mom has a gut feeling and we both cannot help but look at him. Perhaps it is wrong to point fingers without proof, but that is how my brother works. He leaves no proof.
Meh.
My left temple hurts now, I’m frowning and my chest seems a bit tight. Damn it.