Monthly Archives: April 2008

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Dreams and Monitors…

I occasionally have what I call “vindictive” dreams. They aren’t nightmares, as far as I know, but I often have a moment in the dream where I “snap”. These usually occur in my dreams where the setting is school like or is definitely at a school. During them, a person annoys me, says something that is likely mean or something that threatens me in some sense and I react.
In the farthest one I can recall at the moment some girl was in the room, saying things… eventually I rose from my chair and yelled at her… or maybe I hit her. I am uncertain as to whether it was one or both.
In the most recent one, things were piling up. I think in it my friends were betraying me. Eventually some girl apparently broke the straw. She was saying something that was obviously cruel while up close to me. It was in one of those snide whispers. In the dream I moved forward and snatched hold of her bottom lip with my teeth. I remember trying to bite it off her.
As said, they come only on occasion, but I note them to my mother. Heh. Her response was that she thought she should bring it up next time we see my psychiatrist. I told her that during my later days of recovering from a springtime cold; therefore, I cannot really remember all that she said. In any case, it was along the lines of… the doctors have always looked into things, diagnosed and such but the pin point of the issue is still not fully addressed. In any case she thinks I might suffer a bit from PTSD.
That threw me for a loop. In fact it rather amused and confused me. I believe I asked her how she came to conclude that. She asked me if I knew… the symptoms or signs of PTSD I think. At the time thinking, recalling and absorbing were not my strong points. Well, she explained something about… what makes it develop and all the cases dealt with feelings of helplessness. However, for all I know, I may just be saying the completely wrong thing in this due to it all being utterly foggy. Oops.
Thinking back on it, I could not help but think of Kyle. He’s made note about how my mom keeps looking for diagnostic answers for why I am the way I am. The word guinea pig comes to mind. I recall also noting to him that I don’t mind really. She’s listening to what I say and she tries to help me the best she can. For me, it is interesting to learn about such things and it gives her and me something to talk about. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong?

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Well, I got my haircut on the 25th. It is the shortest it has been in a long time, which is up to mid-ear. After that my mom and I ate lunch around two or so and headed to check out the house. After cutting down some bushes, she and I headed out to see my sister, but due to traffic that never happened. So, she and I stopped at Starbucks an got some tea before heading home.
Saturday was a blur, really. I remember getting groceries. I put flea preventative on the cats. It rained, but did not hail like the other night before.
Sunday was cold. My dad and I headed to Wal-Mart due to my screen being a bitch for a couple of days. I bought it and reached the lowest line I’ve been financially. Apparently it WAS the video card this time. Oh, well. The screen I was using was a hand down that my brother replaced because it had gone completely black on him no matter what he did to fix it.
So, my dad went back to buy a video card, but it wasn’t the right kind. Heh. My brother saved the day by taking one out of an old computer of his. So, my dad likely took the one of no use back.

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Internet Dreaming…

I suppose I am still a rather pessimistic person. I’ve been going down memory lane and thought of the people I had befriended on the Internet over the past decade. When I write befriended I mean really befriended. In all it is five people.

Jacqueline – Merc
Lori – Yorkie
Paul – princeofdarknessUK
Erin – Neko Otaku
Eileen – CrazyPuppY

Merc had been the first friend I made on the net to the point we knew each other’s real names. When was then? I know I messed on the computer back when I was around twelve. I think I met her around 1998. I read a lot more net fiction than I do now back then. That is how we met.
She wrote a fiction that made me laugh – something that was missing in my life. I was a depressed kid and she had made me smile. I wrote her an email or a review. I misread her pen name and she found it hilarious. After that I read all of her fictions and we got to know one another.
She was maybe a year older than me and she had a sister. I even knew what state she lived in. I was there when she put up a site and I contributed pictures to it. It was a nice time.
Well, as all things go in my life, we lost contact. She more or less dropped off the face of the Internet for all I know. I had tried her email, but pretty much… she’s gone.
A year or so later I met someone else. She was more than twice my age and a wonderfully funny, caring and sometimes annoying woman. Again, we met due to my emailing her about a fiction she wrote. Again, she had been a person to make me laugh. By then I was becoming very depressed so there were few things that made me laugh and smile.
She was a person who could listen to problem of a troubled kid, I found. It was rather relieving I found. I confided in her and she considered me as one of her “children”. I found out later she had other net friends, younger than her, that she considered her kids. They usually called her Yorkie-mama. I never really got into that.
It was meeting her though, did I finally get the courage to tell my mother my problems. One night I had been contemplating suicide and scared myself in the end. No one was on the net, so I couldn’t talk to anyone. It was in that moment I decided. I had been able to talk to a person I had never met in real life about my problems… so why was I so afraid to talk to my parents.
That night I woke my mother up and more or less poured my heart out to her for an hour full of sobbing and such. If I had never opened up to Yorkie and found a sort of solace in her listening to me… I doubt I ever would have told my mother such things… at least not so soon.
I kept up with Yorkie for about three to four years. In that time I learned a lot about her as well. She had a family of her own. She had a child and a husband. She had issues in her own past and despite so much darkness she turned out to be a lovely lady.
She dropped off the Internet around 2002. I never knew what happened to her. I can only guess… and what I guess is the worst possible scenario. As said, she had darkness in her life. A darkness that followed her through life had been confided to me. In loss I often wonder if it finally took its toll on her. I can do nothing to find out.
Sigh…
PoDUK… I met him around the time I was fourteen. We met on a forum. He was nice, friendly and actually talked to me, which was something that doesn’t occur often. We became friends and to an extent even more. I’d write more on him, but I know somewhere I wrote a good long entry on him back in 2003. It likely isn’t in this journal, but it is somewhere in my old one I am sure.
A funny thing though… We met again last night. We talked for hours. It was nice. He seems to be doing well in life and he’s learned what all has happened in mine since we last chatted. He doesn’t seem disturbed. Good times.
Next up would be Neko. I met her on a board back in 2004. Nice, friendly and fun to be around, we managed to befriend each other. Like all the previous people listed, I opened up to her enough to the point I showed her a story I worked on for years. Yorkie saw it when it had only been four notebook paper sheets long. PoDUK had seen it when developed more. Neko saw it near its ending process.
It was not long after her sister appeared on the forum. Before I knew they were related, I started befriending her. She went by CrazyPuppY. She was fondly shortened to CP. From then until 2006 we were friends. We worked on an RP together and had good times on that. We chatted, I learned a lot about their family and they learned about me.
The two of them and I were a lot alike in some aspects. I felt understood by them. We sometimes even spouted dreams of living together and the like. I admit, I never believed in such occurring, but it is nice to dream every once in a while just for a smile.
Time passed on though and they began trying to spread their wings. They had gone to a convention and I believe that is what began their awakening. They moved to NY for a time and we slowly stopped talking so much. They were growing and at one point they housed a friend from the board while he was tracking around the states. Slowly they disappeared from the Internet. The last I saw of them was an email from Neko during the summer of 2006.
Upon thinking of those relationships… it makes me think of dreaming. The Internet provides relationships that are like a nice dream I’d say. At least, it is for me. I sort of doubt a person can make a lasting relationship with someone over the net. At least, in my case that is so.
It goes nice, there are happy times and then… one day you wake up and it is all gone. That is how they work for me. One day a person just disappears. The funny thing is, I think I was the one who did that with PoDUK really rather than him to me. We found each other again, though, last night. While I lack interest in being hopeful I’m glad we talked last night. Maybe it will continue on. That would be nice, I think. Just as nice as I think it would be to see all the others again and rekindle something.

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Slightly Normal, Slightly Crummy…

Tests said I was low on sodium and my BUN level was a mark off. It made my dad worry and in turn I just became annoyed with him. I suppose I really don’t take much notice/care to my physical health.
I went in again for blood work around the end of the month. The results came back and I was fine. My mom figures it was the 18 hour fasting. Hah.
That is pretty much the main reason I never really worry though. My middle school years dealt with extensive tests by doctors. I always came back with fine results.
Sure, one day it might not be fine… but after being a lovely guinea pig for tests and always coming back with fine physical health… I think I became freakishly burnt from it all and now just came to be uncaring in that area.
It is the same with trying new medications. I did enough testing with drugs… I don’t want to try something new and improved. The symptoms and such are freaking pains.
Despite all that, I think I am the same about other possible mental illnesses. I just don’t care. I consider myself a mentally screwed individual and I am actually quite content knowing that. It amuses me sometimes even.
Sigh…
Even though I noted a sabbatical in my last entry, I still hate to be a complete sloth when it comes to my Internet things. So, yeah… this is perhaps more of a duty thing. Yeah, I don’t expect people to read this thing and perhaps don’t really care for anyone to, but it is convenient and my hard drive is only so big for all the things I hoard.
Um… My wrist no longer endures pain. Yeah! Despite that, I think I’ll wear my lightweight arm brace for a long time still… maybe the rest of my life. After all, it had been a pretty serious injury for my wrist and hand to heal completely for 1/3 of a year. My mom said my wrist will likely always be vulnerable now. Sigh. That is what I get for drawing too much. Who’d have thought?
I am trying to draw again though. It is tiring however and of course my hand isn’t as steady or able to handle pens well. Weakness. I’ll get there again someday… and hopefully won’t injure myself again. Oi.
Around the ninth at nine in the evening I was going to wash my face with some hot water. after turning the hot water on it flew off and water shot out. The bathroom started to flood so I woke up my parents since I had no idea how to stop it.
Two hours were spent with my dad turning the water off, mopping up the floors, emptying the cabinets of their contents to dry the wood inside, mopping off the doors, taking out broken light bulbs, replacing them and trying to get all the shards off the ground. I had to take a chill pill around the middle of it.
In the beginning of the week after my mom went to a seminar at the capitol. She was gone Monday and came back Wednesday evening. The night after, Thursday, I had a lovely cold come on. Since then to now I have been recovering. Last night I woke up aching again. I assumed it was due to over exerting myself yesterday. Other than that I am likely close to being completely cured. Yay.
In other news, the 25th I’ll be doing the hair cut trip with Mom. Heh… A two hours drive for haircuts… Ha, ha, ha… Some of me thought if not going. I’d just let my hair grow and hold it back in a tail. I know it would disappoint my mom though. She enjoys my company oddly.

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Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1.) Make sure someone looks after my writings and drawings.
2.) Make sure my other belongings are put to good use, like charity.
3.) To be as content or more content as I am now.

Three Names You Go By:
1.) Nyxity.
2.) Nyx.
3.) Not telling.

Three Screen Names You Have Had (Other Than This One):
1.) Alex_Seven.
2.) Lex.
3.) Nyx.

Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself:
1.) Hands.
2.) Wrists.
3.) Body Type.

Three Parts Of Your Heritage:
1.) Be…
2.) More…
3.) Specific.

Three Things That Scare You:
1.) Not having my parents.
2.) Painful, long death.
3.) Loneliness.

Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
1.) Sleep.
2.) Air.
3.) Nutrients.

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) Jeans.
2.) Tank top.
3.) Light hoodie jacket.

Three Of Your Favorite Bands/Musical Artists:
1.) Fuel (Scallions as singer.)
2.) Cranes.
3.) Dresden Dolls.

Three Of Your Favorite Songs:
1.) Fuel – Song For You
2.) Garbage – Silence is Golden
3.) Cranes – Lilies

Three Things You Want In A Relationship:
1.) Understanding.
2.) Patience.
3.) Guidance – a specific sort though.

Two Truths And A Lie (in no particular order):
1.) Change is inevitable.
2.) I’m “sexually confused”.
3.) Love is like oxygen.

Three Physical Things About The Preferred Sex That Appeal To You:
1.) Lanky body (like the geeky kind)
2.) Dark, somewhat long hair.
3.) Light colored eyes.

Three Of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1.) Reading books, comics, net fics.
2.) Working/playing on my computer.
3.) Dreaming.

Three Things You Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1.) Take a nap.
2.) Or simply wake up a bit more.
3.) Snuggle my cat.

Three Careers You’re Considering/You’ve Considered:
1.) Once I thought about illustrating.
2.) Once I thought of working in a library.
3.) In the end, I suck at functioning in the real world, so am now a home-maker-like-thing.

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation:
1.) Home.
2.) South Padre.
3.) Home.

Three Kid’s Names You Like:
1.) Alex.
2.) Cade.
3.) Maxwell.

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Girl:
1.) Stuffed animals… Mainly cats, tigers, novelties…
2.) Melt and coo over my cat.
3.) I do house chores…

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Boy:
1.) Action figures… but only of a specific character of a specific series.
2.) Assembling things like model kits that are similar to puzzles.
3.) Avoids saying the three little words aloud to another I care about.