I’ve often had times where I’d pass by a mirror and suddenly be surprised. What? It is just my reflection. Do I simply avoid looking in them? No. I look everyday. I guess don’t focus I suppose.

It happened again tonight (August 31). I was stopping by the bathroom and suddenly caught sight of myself. I was somewhat… bewildered I guess would be the word. It was like I did not expect to see myself. It was a, “Oh, yeah… that person is me. That is me in existence.”

Now, when I asked my mom if she ever underwent such a feeling, she thought I was lacking much sleep, which I am, but I just can’t fall asleep no matter how long I lay down. Anyway, I left after that disheartening response.

Despite that when I went to my room the phrase “a dream within a dream” kept popping into my subconscious.  I soon enough ask my mother if she knew of the thought of whether a person exists or really is just the dream of another, reality and all that junk. She seemed to understand better, but I doubt she grasped what I was trying to get at.

Then… Bam. The realization finally settled in when I sat down and snacked on some chips. I really did not expect my body to be there. I live too much in mental view rather than conscious physical view. I usually just observe and think. I read, watch and hear things… and while there are feelings, it does not connect with my body so easily. The feeling is deeper, like the soul or spirit. It is all… mental… intangible.

 Then every once in a while… I guess I forget myself in physical form. I forget my body as being an identifier as to who I am in reality. So when I noticed my reflection tonight… it was a jolt. I recalled I am in more realities than just my own, I guess?

I wonder if that is my reality. A reality of merely souls touching souls… Maybe that is why, when I look at people… I feel little association. I know better, but I really don’t feel it. I don’t realize my corporeal form… so I have trouble relating to theirs…

Heh. Even on the ‘net… I have trouble relating to people. I prefer just reading thoughts, ideas and the like… but when it becomes too human… I feel alien.

Yeah… it has been going on for a while. I’ve notice manga has started to depress me a bit the more I read it. There are places that scanlate unlicensed manga even. At a board I go to, there is a separate entity of the site for such a thing. People can comment on the scans. I know I don’t have to read them, but the comments are there. They make me sick. Their minds and views of the world make me sick. I read things… watch shows… The things humans do, the ignorance, the knowledge, the usage of such things… my god…

Is there any depth? Any depth at all?

I wonder if I am being too “Holier than thou”… I hope not. I do not wish to be… but… damn. Humans make this world one damn depressing place. I like the world. I love our cats. I like watching animals, seeing nature, hearing music and all that…

However… all the fakeness in the human society, the fear, the hate and so many other things… I only shake my head at the thought. It depresses me.

“Where’s the killing? There needs to be more action!” – comment on a manga that doesn’t stay vapid.

“I wish I was old enough to be in the army! I’d get some guns and blow them all to pieces!” – idiot classmate claiming he’d be a war hero after the fall of the world trade center.

“Look at that face! He’s a goddamn thug! I know it!” – basing on looks and not the soul.

“You are such a fag. That is so gay.” –needing to seem superior, cool and all that shit.

“Attachment disorder, PTSD, and all of those disorders caused by abuse, rape, neglect…” –humans turning on others and fucking the future of mankind over even more.

 

 

Sigh…

Heh… back on the previous topic, I remember my dreams. If people look at my life in physical sense… it is likely boring as hell. To me… I’m a pretty damn fine with it. I dream a lot. I’m not talking about day dreaming or anything. I certainly do not aspire. I mean the nighttime dreams.

I think I live more in my dreams than in my wake. They aren’t exciting or anything… and they certainly are not ideal, fantasy shit… but… I feel more alive in the dreaming than in this at times. I live more in my mind than I do in the physical world.

A part of me wonders if that is just running away from reality… but the thing is… reality is just a figment in itself. I merely do not accept/see reality like others do… it is not even a conscious thing. I only realized it tonight…

Hm… I guess that is all. Yeah.