The older I get, the more detached I seem to become. Maybe I was always like this though. Perhaps. The main reason for seeing it as it is might be due to my different lifestyle now. Odd.

The case is I lack the intense emotions I used to feel, but then again, I no longer have the sort of stress to trigger them. Those triggers were friends, school and certain members of the family. Now I am more isolated, rarely see any one, and am rather content.

I lack comprehension capabilities, but then again, the world I reside in now is not like the school structure I had endured most of my life. It was structured enough where context clues and time were allowed for me to get enough of a clue to understand what was going on. Here… doctors, strangers on the phone and a few other scenarios are not structured the same way and familiar words are not used like how school scenarios did.

There is the medication as well. I remember transitions. I’ve been on meds for so long, I would have expected myself to forget… but… no. Almost every medication I tried either started out with bad after effects or had effects that were everlasting. That is where “an empty space” entered my usual phrase list.

Those factors led to my notice of my certain detachment. Other people’s motions do not seem to affect me like they used to. I suppose I am becoming a bit numb.

In past cases it was always intellectual understanding that triggered my own emotions and certain codependency traits. My obsessive tendencies would then stir up from such emotions, cause motivation and then I’d try my hardest to find a solution or fret over said person until I made myself sick and the problem into a mountain rather than the molehill it was.

Now I sit, listen, stare, say some things and know I am useless in the matter. I do not get emotional, stressed or passionate. I do not know if I even feel anything when told… perhaps it is the numbing process. Instead I just listen. If it is a physical solution, usually loaning money, I’ll suggest that if the loan is one I can fulfill. Other than that, I can only act as a bartender.

Another change in me seems to be the lack of longing for friendship. I used to get very lonely at times. Even when chatting with Kyle, I would get a bit sad and wistful when he spoke of his last years of high school and how many friends he seemed to accumulate.

In fact, before my move here, I was positive and thought that I’d be able to start anew. Perhaps I’d make friends and such. Well, a “tragedy” befell not long before my complete departure. I cried for two days and by the time I moved, I no longer cared for what I had been feeling some hope about. I thought the severing of all that I knew from my old residence would have gone smoother. Well, it ended close to the worst possible way.

My life is new though. I am pretty damn happy with it too. It is actually the complete opposite of what I saw as a possibility. I’ve made no friends and pretty much know not a damn soul here other than my family and my doctors. I never succeeded in getting a job and getting to know others. In fact, I could not even hold a volunteer job without having bad effects on my mental health occur.

Still… I smile more, I don’t find myself crying, and while I do have my bouts of rage induced by irritation they last shortly. I do wonder if I am becoming duller, or if it merely that I would have always been this way had I never had my spells of mania. I used to think nonstop. Now I believe I rarely think that much at all.

It worried me at first. When my head stopped having that burning sensation and countless thoughts stopped going around in circles in my head… it really worried me. I called it my mental crash, much in the thought of a computer crash. Admittedly, I no longer use “big words” as my peers called them as I did when younger and I do not write many “depth-filled” entries or essays… but… perhaps this is how I should have been had my brain chemistry not been royally fucked up…

Perhaps I am not as dumb as I feel either. I know I thought I was an absolute idiot back in my middle school years, but when I look back now… I actually see those years to be the time I was smartest book wise. Therefore, maybe I am just misjudging myself now. Who knows?

Heh… looking at my journal and other things on this computer, it seems I am not really out of it… Outside though… detached perhaps. Some might argue… but that is how it feels from my side of it.