Monday had been utterly slow… almost to a snail’s pace. I even struggled to stay awake most of the time. It was during my last thirty minutes or so did it begin to get busy. I did the necessary chores when I returned home.
Tuesday I watched “The Breakfast Club” for the first time. It was okay. I suppose I was expecting something more from what I read on it. Oh well.
Later on my mom told me Shawnie’s ashes arrived. I did not realize she had him cremated and to actually keep the ashes in an urn at home. I thought he would be buried or something. It creeped me out. I mean… Jeez… Waking up every morning with an urn next to your bed on the night table? That is just… yuck. It was a DEAD BODY! She said now he would still be beside her when she sleeps. I’m sorry… but… no. Just… no. There is something wrong there. I mean… would you sleep with a casket next to you in bed? I wouldn’t. Oh well. She wants what was once a body of a dog next to her head, she can do such… I just find it gross.
Anyway… Today I was on my feet nonstop while at the library. There were multitudes of books to be put away, thus I rarely manned the desk. I was shelving for probably four straight hours at least.
The main thing was, though, before I left for work, I hurt my back due to bending over slightly to pick up a small box holding a few calendars. Yeah, so it was obviously not the box that caused the pain. It was merely bending over that did the damage. I’ve had a bad back since my middle school years.
Some reasons are due to sleeping on a couch for two years, another is due to lifting things far too heavy for anyone my stature, other causes was a back-hand spring incident and a time of doing something like a back-flop onto a hard wooden floor. So yeah… bending over can lead to pain. Jeez… I’m not even twenty yet!
Other than the day being busy, I mainly kept to myself more than usual… and thus, the usual thoughts. I have a tendency to state what “kids are” when in there. Usually the line up will be weird, odd, evil, annoying… the list goes on. Today though, something stood out. “Kids are depressing.” Yeah. I found them depressing today.
Later on I realized maybe it isn’t just the kids that bother me about the job. I realized, it will be the same in any job that deal with being around others. Child to adult, both cases will bother me. I really do not like being around people. It is not an issue of anxiety I think. It is about irritation, frustration, impatience and annoyance.
Intellectually I understand. I can easily rationalize and be practical minded about situations. That does not change that I still find the whole things annoying. I can easily tell myself things, be able to sympathize… but that will never change what I am feeling.
I am great at suppressing things and being silent. I grew up that way. The most a person will see is that I am irritable, but that is all. I guess I am the shaken up soda waiting to spew when opened.
I will admit I curse a lot during the day. Aloud, no – of course I won’t curse aloud. Will I do anything physical? No. I’m not at a point that I’d do something irrational in regards to physical means. Examples would be hitting things be it inanimate to human.
My mother said one night I suppressed things too much and needed to learn to cope and junk since what I was doing was not coping. I cannot remember anything else of the conversation, but what she was telling me was suppression was something quite different to me and not the sort of suppression I speak about on this.
Oh well… I guess mentioning such is useless.
I told my mom about a second time of considering cutting. Now she asks me how I am more. One point tonight I wrapped my arms inside my shirt. My mom asked me if I was cold. I said no. She then asked me if I was hiding my arms from her. I smiled inwardly. If I cut myself and did not want her to see, I had other places to cut. I did not solely cut on my arms when younger. They were just my main place to cut. Silly mom.
Sigh…
Well, tomorrow I have the day off. Friday will be another work day. My dad is coming down on Friday. I might see my eldest brother and his girlfriend. Also, my mom is getting a new dog on Saturday. She intends to call him Killian. I might be wrong on the spelling. Something to do with Irish dancing anyway.
Well… that is all.