Monthly Archives: September 2005

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Stories and Dreams…

I am tired head wise, but that is okay. My sleeping is insane, thus normal. Not much has really been happening. Now that I am living a simple life, I no longer have “the deeper meanings and feelings” to write about. I suppose that is bad journal and writing wise, but I still like it.

I realize I will likely be as helpless as a child for the rest of my life. Sad, but I always was a dependent person. When I go out with my mother and brother, I have a habit to wait until both are in front of me and then I follow. I have had this habit for a long time. I always muse that I am like a shadow. I never really minded.

Some of me always questions if it is due to the influence of my sister, wrong of me to think of her whenever these sorts of thoughts come up, but it is true. She was a great impact in my life. Other times I wonder if it is merely my nature. Even before that – I was just a toddler though – I was the loner type. I never really played with my siblings; I just went off on my own. I never did well with things outside my “own little world” I suppose some might say.

I guess it is true. If you met me and we became very close, I would likely show you a story I wrote. Few have ever read it. Even less have seen how far it has grown. I speak of the characters in it often with two friends. I speak about it often. Like a character from a manga I have read, I speak about them as though they are human.

I suppose that is the thing I like about writing the most. You can know “people” or “creatures” perhaps more than they know themselves. Other times you can be at loss because the character exhibits things about yourself that you do not even understand. In that world things can understand you, or you can understand that world better than you ever could in the one you occupy physically. Perhaps that is why people enjoy television so much.

I believe I am becoming somewhat dependent on Eileen and Erin. I somewhat wonder if they have taken to me in such a way. I cannot know from my viewpoint of course. I suppose it is good to have a dream… something to hold onto. I suppose I have always wanted to live with a friend – if not together, then to live side-by-side.

Our relationship is still young. I have known them since the beginning of 2003. We feel like “soul siblings” though. We scheme things together and want to show one another things. I feel good with them. I just hope they feel the same with such intensity, for dreams can be silly and unrealistic. It is even harder when it is a dream that is shared and depends on all the members to make it come true. When shared it relies on all members to fulfill it and if one leaves or all break up the dream can shatter.

We have whimsical dreams to add onto the dream of us meeting and living together. There are silly ideas that are insane but fun to talk about. Others can happen and sound fun. I want to find a place that makes great German potato salad and eat it with them.

Perhaps a dream is a story you wish to live out – a book that you are a character of.

The girls want me to go to a convention with them someday. I have not the money, we have never met, I would never travel alone, it depends on what my mother thinks, et cetera. It would be very nice to meet them in the flesh though.

I want them to meet my cat and for me to meet theirs. I want to see their room and have them see mine. I know their voices and I have already fallen in love with them. I am curious of how we compare stature wise, what their scent is, their disposition in real life… all of the things you can not acquire just through a phone or a computer.

Who knows? Perhaps it will not happen, but I hope it does. All I can do is hope. Many dreams I have had never happened. I can only hope…

Well, I am tired still. I suppose that is enough of typing. Additional tidbits are the following:

My brother paid me back on the ten dollars he borrowed.

Next Friday I will see the psychiatrist.

The 13th or the 27th I will see the dentist.

~The Vampire Sheep-Owl

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Stress Sickness…

I read an entry in Kyle’s journal. Psychology in regards of control was the main topic. The example was rape. The topic always was something of intrigue I suppose. Oddly, thoughts he wrote were something I had considered a long time ago. It is quite logical.

Still though, for a person such as I, there is symbolism, sentimentality and all of that lovey-dovey nonsense. Amusing when I think on it along with the story I have mentioned from time to time in this journal. Power and weakness, dominance and submission tend to be a theme throughout. Sometimes it seems that it connects with my past, but then that is just me needed to make silly connections for the fun of it.

Power. The word causes me to think of manipulation. The other night it was mentioned in a conversation. Before it ended though, enough was said to make me quiet. Humans are strange creatures.

Defense mechanisms and how they give people power… it is rather sad I think. I know my key word of power and defense. It is vagueness. My friend’s is manipulation. I suppose it is saddening on both accounts. The thought of having someone I care about manipulating me without my even realizing is considerably depressing. It causes me to think of my girls actually. Small world, I suppose.

When I ponder on it even more, I suppose I am just as bad. Though vagueness is not really manipulating, it is still a fault. You only let the person see the cover and not the book. Perhaps that is something similar to manipulation. That is depressing.

I suppose the lighter end though is that I have people I do not do that with. With Kyle, if I ever was vague I likely never realized. It was later some of it was on purpose – shields and the like. I think I used to be very open with my mother. I probably still am. I am not certain if I am vague with her now. I do not think I am. Then there are Eileen and Erin. I am open with them much like how I was with Kyle. The four people stated relatively only receive vagueness when it is something unimportant like when I have an odd thought that is irrelevant.

What more on this topic is… it is a pity humans cannot be like it is with animals. Animals are truthful. You can easily talk to a pet. You can tell when the animal is leery, happy, wanting attention, wanting to be left alone… Ha… I suppose that is why it is so easy to be easy going with my pet. I can easily say I love him. There is no fear of judgment. I think I feel almost exactly that way with Eileen and Erin as well, truthfully. Soul siblings. Heh.

Neither was on tonight, which saddened me. Instead, I was in the chat. I did not stay long though. Owen, a video game freak, and I did not mesh well tonight. He irked me and after such a long time of simple emotions, I became utterly irritable and annoyed with him. Adrenaline surged and stomach acid built up. I made myself sick over him. Either he was enjoying egging me on, or he was utterly oblivious and stupid. I fear it was likely the latter; therefore, I cannot give much fault. I really wished one of the girls were there though. It would have been of comfort.

Well, I think I should go to bed despite I lack the feeling of tiredness. For any other news, I will see the psychiatrist on the seventh. I hope it goes well.

~The Vampire Owl. (Whoot.)

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More Highlights…

There is not much to say and truthfully, I cannot remember much. I guess it will be another “highlights” post.

  1. I have a “new” CD.
  2. I received new clothes from my mother and they were at happily cheap or cheaper prices.
  3. I made some “Modern” profiles.
  4. I wrote a few more short stories.
  5. I did another illustration drawing and I feel it turned out decently.
  6. I have been rereading some books I own. It is nice to do that.
  7. I have been accumulating more music recently and it is somewhat overwhelming.
  8. I amused the chat occasionally now that I say things that would seem out of character considering that I am usually reserved – good moments though.
  9. I have a new piece of jewelry – Cheap as hell too – but I cannot wear it sadly since my skin is too sensitive and pretty much that sucks since I really like the charm.
  10. I apparently like My Chemical Romance – give me all your poison, baby.
  11. I will have a dentist appointment on October the 13th or the 27th, I am not certain but am betting on the 13th.
  12. I have a friend in California who wants to send me Pocky and that is cute of her.
  13. I have undergone two sleeping changes this week that started from sleeping all day and being up all night to sleeping for about four hours after going to bed at 3-6 in the morning and sleeping sporadically through the day.

I guess that is all I care to type really.

~The Vampire Sheep (Bah.)

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Poetry Three…

These are the last poems I have scrounged up so far. Thank god, I put poems into stories I write. I only lack Love, Artemis, Dreams and Yearning. What I really have any care for finding is “Dreams”. The other three do not hold too much worth in my mind. Love and yearning do not since I do not even remember what they are about. Artemis was short and I know what it was about.


Us

The world freezes when I speak
As if I don’t exist
As if no one is there

Then I see you
You do not really live
You need someone who cares

Do you see me?
I could be your friend
I could save you

You see me
But do you put on a façade?
But you won’t be true

You know the feeling
As if you don’t exist
As if no one is there

When you see me…
I don’t seem to be alive
I don’t have in the world a friend

But perhaps, maybe,
You could talk to me
You and I could be companions in the end.

 

Oceanic Night

He’s an angel with only one wing
The sky is a place he isn’t meant for
Where the sun’s flames eats everything
And you’re scorched if you’re to ever sore.

…A pane of glass on which he fell
A wing had been eaten off his shoulder…

Never was he meant for the flaming blue sky
With a fire that ignites, eating at planets
The very place where he would surely die
The day is her time for pain and lament.

…A sunless sky is what he wants
Where he would be with the glittering stars…

There she lays with no breath in him
On a vast bed, the shimmering sea
He feels like he’s in the lure of the wind
And he’s light as bird and he feels free.

…Charmed by the waves he is lulled to sleep
And his one wing is mended in weightlessness…

Given lightness the sky once promised
There’s no need for vanishing dreams
For once there is a feeling of bliss
The sky wasn’t his place it seemed.

…Floating there watched over by the endless stars
He rests in the arms of the placid oceans…

There is no need to run anymore in this life
Together he’ll be with the comforting sea
Drifting with the stars in an endless night
For once he’s in an escape to her place of serenity.

…This is the escape in time and space where he is the wind
That is caressed in the endless oceanic night of stars and dreams…

Oceanic Night was originally about a girl though. I changed it to a he for the story I plastered the poem in. I am just too lazy to change it back. Either way, thank you Kyle, Eileen and Erin! I found more poems, reconstructed the ones I could vaguely remember and relearned the tunes to some so I could write them down again! Joy!

~The Happy Vampire Sheep

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Poetry Two…

The poems were written from when I was thirteen up to seventeen. Some were personal feelings, others were memories and some were for stories I wrote.

Death
I recall once in mourning
I smiled at the face of death.
I was surrounded by lamenting and moaning
But nothing hit my close to a single breath.
Looking back I ponder in obliviousness
To what this thing I really am.
I often wonder in much curiousness
If I am really and truly human.

The world I feel
With numb and dead senses.
I think I am no longer real
And try to convince myself of this.
But now I wonder
If it isn’t death I feel so intensely.
Now I ponder
If my soul has not yet been born within me.

But death… I smile still when I see its face.
Dust we come from and then shall return.
More mysteries for the curious beings, the human race…
Will we live eternally or shall we burn?
I wonder what is there to fear?
Why is death seen to be so grim?
People come and people go, in and out, each year.
It is an adventure to go where you’ve never been.

Why do we live life to the fullest?
Why do we search for knowledge?
People die at the contact with a bullet
And at war we become the rummage.
We live and then we die.
Life is a mystery and can be fictional.
But we are always asking the question why?
Death… It happens. Everything is eventual…

So why be so afraid?

Shadows

A feeling of kindness kindles my heart
When the first breath of night has come
Alone in the darkness and the shadows in folds
For once I feel as one
The inky night devours me into its very heart
And at once the aching comes
It drips down incessantly with the waxing moon
Lunacy and pain for once can be known
For the light of day covers such things
Till they are evident no more
But in the night you can feel its presence
In the blinding darkness the melancholy lingers
The pain harbors and takes vacancy with the soul
But now as the shadows wrap their loving arms
About those in this thing called night
I feel okay again…
Because even though it can bring pain and grief…
It can save those enduring such things too…

Watcher

Couldn’t die
Was never born
A shadow where I lie.

Never am I seen
I’m everywhere, nowhere

Am nothing yet am a being.
A watcher of the world- this thing…

A loner to this human race
Yet all is wanted is belonging.

All I want is silence.
My emotions are of pain, fear…

And of terrible violence.
Yet the odd thing is…

I don’t want to be alone.

Waiting

I do not know how I got here
I do not know why you took me in
This world seems cruel and crazy
This is the only place I have ever been

When I see you in this life
I begin to think about my life
Is it heaven or is it fate
What is love and what is hate?

This whole place is confusing
This emptiness eats away at me
I think that I am loosing
I think I have lost my sanity

When I want to live my life
I am lost within this fight
Is this love a twisted fate?
I think I am failing at this rate

I am desperate to live again
I am lost and I am shattered
Will you please be my friend?
Do you still think I matter?

When I see you in this life
I begin to think about my life
For me, will you wait?
Or did I just come too late?

Pray

Last night we talked about the rest of our lives
Where we might be in ten or so more years
I keep hoping nothing will ever change
And I’ll have another moment like this with you tonight

I keep on thinking things will always be the same
But tonight you told me you might not come back
If I needed to tell you something to tell it now
But I thought we’d always have yet another day

Life is moving on and it won’t slow down for us both
We have memories that are cherished dearly
But I now realize how I want more of them around
Please don’t tell me I will have to look back and cope

Now I just keep thinking back to the past of better days
I didn’t know much of love back then in my youth
But it struck me and I learned to cherish this feeling
Now I know I must hold onto this emotion, so tonight I pray

Don’t make me go on in life having to remember
All the times I’d be with out you in my arms
Of your loving smile that brightens my days of gloom
You had promised me we would always be together

We are supposed to look back to now jokingly
I keep telling myself that this is not goodbye
We think about what tomorrow will bring fondly at night
You told me you could never do that with out me

Can I survive it out there and make it without you somehow
I guess I thought that this joy with you would never end
I thought you would never become just a wonderful memory
Will this past be a burden that will follow me around

Now I just keep thinking back to the past of better days
I didn’t know much of love back then in my youth
But it struck me and I learned to cherish this feeling
Now I know I must hold onto this emotion, so tonight I pray

Blame

When the night seems lonely
When the stars seem cold
I will be there with you
As shadows that keep you in my hold…

When the moon seems not to notice
When the sun is too high up
I will be there with you
As the stars- tears from heaven’s ducts…

When the sky will not comfort
When the clouds seem not to care
I will be there with you
As the wind fingering your fine hair…

When the ocean’s full of fury
When the sea is too far away
I will be there with you
As the wash splashing on the bay…

When we meet again after forever being alone
When my delicate heart let us my broken soul soar
I will be there with you
As angels place you among the stars…

When life is breathed into you heart
When you feel no more hurt or pain
I will still be there with you
As you transcend your unnecessary blame…

Dead

And I walk in silence through these lonely walls…
Down into the pit of my despairing soul.
Through the cemetery of my spirit which wails as I pass by…
I stop and look at it.
Stab a knife through its life…
And there: I’m done with it.

Rain

Walking in the rain, drenched and cold…
I’m falling into numbness, but I trudge on.
Cars run by off to their homes…
Where it is safe and secure and warm…
I wonder if they think me to be mad…
Mad standing here in the hard cold rain.
My body stops aching and is seems like ice…
Tough, hard ice…
Lonely planet I live on- an isolated star…
I walk on wrapped in this nakedness…
This lack of concealment… in the rain.
A bear child- off with the day time’s mask.
And I stand, in the rain crying…
As my wounds are shown and my body is broken…
Because no one is there to see them…
No one is there…

No one is there…

Emptiness

The sun spins round
The stars have died
The moon is bound
In the crying sky

The days go by
Without a sound
A life of lies
I am bound

Look to the night
So full of stars
They twinkle bright
They’re tears of scars

Look to the silver orb above
So lonely on it’s velvet sheets
Waiting, longing for a lost love
But on the other side it bleeds

Look to the sky
So vast so deep
It is full of sighs
And the tears we weep

The sun spins round
The stars have died
The moon is bound
In the crying sky

Tragic

And she threw her head back in a sigh
Her face was held in the cool night sky…
And the wind sang her a lullaby…
The stars watched her as she cried…
Bitter tears in her heart on her lips a lie…
Time ticks slowly, softly by
Something in her soul had died.

Lost

Too many thoughts….
A question hangs,
But an argument enters
More wondering,
Some reason,
So blind hope…
All at once….
And all in silence.
And the question is still there…
In it’s quiet echo.

Marvelous

It is morning,
Just after a shower,
The sun sparkles
So brilliantly

The arched rainbow
Is most likely
A good sign for me:

Let us take a walk,
And get away from it all:
A small adventure with you
Changes the sad sky for me.

We experience
The fresh breeze
Rushing all
Over our bodies.

As we walk up
The old dirt path
I feel such peace.

Before our small forms
Flows forth a magnificent waterfall;
When we lay down on the rocky ridge
And sigh in contentment,

It is marvelous,
Isn’t it?
The clouds floating
In the sky

I am taken
By the placid blue radiance.
Can you feel it?

The sound
Of the birds serenading
Is so gentle
And soothing

Just a moment of tranquility
Changes the worries
That lay with in me.

Let us cross the nature-made bridge,
I will never let you fall,
I will pick you up
And never let you down.

Standing before us,
Are the towering trees everywhere we look.
Close your eyes, listen,
And take a deep breath,

It is wonderful,
Isn’t it?
The rising sun’s rays
Flow through the trees.

Surrounded in rays
That coruscate all the hues of yellow.
Can you feel it?

Before our small forms
Flows forth a magnificent waterfall;
When we lay down on the rocky ridge
And sigh in contentment,

It is marvelous,
Isn’t it?
The clouds
Floating in the sky

I am taken
By the placid blue radiance.
Can you feel it?

Gone

She bends her head over to cry…
But nothing comes out of her brown, turned to blue, eyes.

She intends to be happy- if she’ll believe she’ll be…
But what she feels inside isn’t on the label she carries…

The world gives her shame, pain and regret…
Can she forget the past or is she not able to yet?

Can things ever be the way they were…?
Or are those bright pretty dreams ones that tear, fade and blur?

Bury herself into her own dreamscape…
Full of butterflies, flowers, lovely pictures -her only escape.

In this world, how can things ever be the same…
When everything wonderful dies away and fades?

She says love is just a silly feeling she cannot take.
Reality is Hell and her dreams are her only escape…

She’s too far away for anyone to ever reach…
Her world is deep -it takes her away from the grief.

She bends her head over pleading for tears…
But all her sadness flow in rivers inside her…

This angel world has so many devils lurking in her tracks…
They take piece by piece and she’s about to crack…

Nothing can ever be the same again…
She keeps breaking and shattering at the end…

Buries herself into a world of isolation…
No one will hurt her in her place of consolation.

Deeper and deeper no more hurt or no more pain…
She hides so cunningly; she’s too far away…

Her eyes are blank, force a smile over her frown…
To her all smiles are lies; they’re really meant to be upside down.

Wear a mask, do an act; perform like a lifeless doll…
Her spirit slowly dies and fear makes her fall…

Reality escapes her; all she needs is her small retreat…
A Utopia that shields her away from cruelty and deceit…

Escape into a dream full of stars you can hold in your hands…
Seas emerald green and many exotic lands…

Prism butterflies, wind riding white stallions…
Magic everywhere… it is her small vacation.

Too far away is she; never will she take anyone’s help or pity…
She’s ashamed to let anyone know, so insecure, and rickety…

Her past locked away for only her to know. Tightly, tightly wrapped…
Alone and unstable…silently screaming and shattered… she’s trapped.

Her heart is as deep as the deepest blue seas…
That held many unhidden secrets -the surface- beneath.

A porcelain doll that broke into a million different pieces.
A wound in each shard, placed back together… a puzzle of secrets.

She’s too far away to be retrieved and brought back home.
It seems she’s already left… it seems she’s already gone…

Misplaced

Please do not condemn me
If I act awkward and strange
I do not mean to be so lost
Perhaps I am just misplaced

Every time I see you…
All the time I am here with you

Will you please help me out?
I just do not know what to say
There are many things I want to tell you
You brought light into my days

Every time you look at me…
All the time you help guide me

I look at you and I get lost
Within your sea blue depths
This life is some kind of mystery
But I am glad that we somehow met

Every time it is new and scary for me…
All the time it is surreal and exciting to me

Please, it is so hard for me
Sometimes I want to scream out loud
Tell you everything running through my mind
I am sick of living a lie never making a sound

Every time I fear of this being goodbye
All the time I fear you will tell me goodbye

Please do not condemn me
If I act awkward and strange
I do not mean to be so lost
Perhaps I am just misplaced

I fear this will be our last goodbye
I can only I pray you’ll stay near…
I never want you to say goodbye…
I am only happy when you’re here

With me…

Fool

Lie safe inside myself
Bleed out shadows
Wrapped in protection
I’m not broken here
I don’t need to be fixed

Fall into myself
Stop the pain
Keep it on the outside
Close my eyes now
Let me be color blind

Hide deep within myself
Turn off every light
Don’t want to be seen
No face do I hold now
Incognito now I am.

Lie inside myself for always
Look out the imaginary window
Fear resides constantly
Watch the world pass me by
Lock myself in reverie

Sleep in this dream always
Place a collar on my neck
Stay here away from the world
Rest in the calm grays and blacks
Blues wash over this tired soul

Die in here always
Lost within this darkness
Afraid of what is left in this cell
The resemblance of a face
Lost in this I’m not breathing.

Trapped in this cell for too long
Everything is hollow now
Sanctuary is now hell
No one can find me anymore
Imprisoned by myself

Shackled in my walls oh so long
Terrified of what this place has become
Alone with a dying soul
Eaten away by shadows
This blackness is killing me

Locked in my basement of shame so long
There is no door for a key
Nothing can undo this chains
This brank won’t come off
Can’t find myself as I’m dying.

Tried to kill the pain but now there is more
Hoped to forget the wounds
Anxiety is intense now it won’t leave
I’m shattered to pieces here
I can’t find all the pieces

Wanted to escape the fear so there was no more
Thought everyone was fooled
Nothing ever was and it will never be
Can no longer see light out side the window
Too blind to find the way

Could no longer love myself anymore
People only see my mask and think I’m fine
Bleeding inside myself as I’m screaming
My voice is muffled and I can’t get out
Unable to save myself now. I am gone.

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Hightlights and Poetry…

Highlights I Suppose:

  1. CP and Neko had been missing for three days. I finally got word from them on Monday. Thank god. Problems with family and college are what they are enduring. I can understand that really. That was how it was for me last year and perhaps the year before that. With their luck though, it would be an exemplified version. Let us hope not.
  2. I really want to see The Corpse Bride. However, one there is no movie theatre here I believe any of us would go to. I have seen one, but it seems my brother does not go to it, so it must be bad or something. Secondly, I made a promise with CP. As for the last reason, I rarely get to see movies in theatres. Gah!
  3. My sleeping has been more jumbled again and I am sleeping far too much once more. Still though, my sleep all is prominent through the day. Thus, I am usually up at night. Ah, diurnal unconsciousness is such fun.
  4. I did a small update to my site. I could do many, but it is all about pacing. Kyle would be a prime example of what happens to a website when it is not updated or cared for regularly.
  5. I talked to Kyle Sunday night. It was a good night. It had been a while since we had a conversation that was not in long silent gaps.
  6. I seem to be accumulating music quicker than I usually would. The music-email trend is to be the cause. I will need to ask Kyle if he has any Chopin.
  7. I still have yet to figure out how to make my Languages and Character Encoding work with certain language characters like Japanese and Chinese. Ah, my feeble intelligence… well, I hope that I will figure it out some day. If I fail, it is not the end of the world. I just hate seeing a million question marks.
  8. I worked on trying to remember some of my poems and searched everything I have ever “owned” net wise and had physical material wise. I accumulated more after my brain and resourcefulness finally kicked in. If only I had been more diligent about posting my stories. I am only missing about five poems now. Sigh. Well, I saved my poems in three places. I hope that I will not lose them again… but knowing me, I likely will. I suppose I will post them on here for safe keeping as well.

The poems were written from when I was thirteen up to seventeen. Some were personal feelings, others were memories and some were for stories I wrote.


Ecstatic

I want you to know
I am happy for you
I wish nothing more
Than that you stay the same

It is easier to be not wise
To know things that are lies
I hope you are happy
Locked within your own blindness

It is easier to be great
To be and imitate
I hope you are happy
To never give me any kindness

Why do you do this to me?
What is it I have done to you? And
Do you know that what you can’t see
Always brings me to the end?

I hope you cry
You should whine
You ought to wail
While I’m still here

I’m still here as a reminder
Of all the pain you gave to me
I hope you are happy
My dear pain giver

Do you still want to destroy my tender heart until it shatters?
I hope when I give out my rage and pain you scream.
You know I’m broken and am an array of jagged matter.

That you can see it… My rage is what you see,
That you can feel my pain, which is an endless sea…
That you can taste my anger that echoes into eternity.
That you can live it… My scars that are buried deep in me.
That you can know the burden that you will forever be.

And that you scream when you are plagued with it.
Do you still want to open this deep wound of mine?
You have no right to show me contempt.

I thought you should know
That I pity you
I want nothing more
Than for you to be the same

I leave you to your lies
To let another one cry
I hope you will be happy
Still left in your blindness

I leave you to think you’re wonderful
To let you hurt others
I hope you will be happy
Finding out no one will again trust you

When you do this to me
When I have done nothing to you. And
You will never see
You bring yourself to your own end

I won’t fade
In your mind I’ll stay
I’ll scar your mind
Till it won’t be the same

I’m still here as a reminder
Of all the pain you gave to me
I hope you are happy
My dear pain giver

Do you still want to condemn me since I am not like you?
I hope when I give out my rage and pain you scream.
The cry will never amount to what I’ve gone through.

That you can see it… My rage is what you see,
That you can feel my pain, which is an endless sea…
That you can taste my anger that echoes into eternity.
That you can live it… My scars that are buried deep in me.
That you can know the burden that you will forever be.

And that you scream when you are plagued with it.
Do you still want to make cry this heart of mine?
I hope you are happy with the crimes you commit.



Reminisce

Distinctly I remember, many years ago,
Of an antisocial student who was known as Joe.
He was always contemplating and created great illusions in his head.
He buried himself in a fascinating world, constantly leaving the world he dreaded.
His complex life was incomprehensible for his father to understand.
Children irked Joe’s mother, so she never gave him a friendly hand.

In his own world, Joe was brilliant, sophisticated and cool; no one dared to push him down.
Generally, if anyone did, he’d force his or her smile into a frown.
Clearly, I remember that assertive boy;
He always buried himself in extra curriculums or played with his computer toys.
Apparently, the football team picked on him, annoying him persistently.
He was never granted peace. All that he was given was torment poured on vigorously.
Ironically, all they did was unleashed a fierce tiger.
In return for their confiscating his esteem, he let them see his internal fire.

Joe’s father never investigated or could see his son’s stepmother despised the boy enthusiastically.
She flourished the boy with belittling, lies full of venom and cruelty.
To the world he was a wicked boy, but inside he was deteriorating.
No one ever liked him; the thought of being his friend was degrading.
Joe never talked in class before; no one ever conceived of him doing that!
All he ever did was draw or read in class.

He was just the weird kid who kids got their twisted pleasure from.
Now everyone wishes they hadn’t been so quick with their predilections.
Now, we all try to eradicate that day from our memory,
But all we can do is reminisce in our guilt and stupidity.
No one will ever forget that day.
That is the price we’ll eternally pay.




Mask

I wear a mask of glass…

Every time when you look at me
What you believe who I am
Is not he person I am
You will probably never know me…

I can deceive the eye, everyone
And everything except for my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

All the time, day in and day out
I am just a character to play as I go about
I wear a million masks, but none of them is I
My true self is marked out

I can deceive the eye, everyone
And everything except for my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

What has become of me?
A stranger is all that I see…
Why am I so lost inside?
Is that what is to forever be

Will they ever accept me for who I am?
And not turn down my shattered heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Here I am now in a world…
Where my ways are not aloud
And my heart… Is imprisoned
But someday… I will be free, some how

Will they ever accept me for who I am?
And not turn down my shattered heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

What has become of me?
A stranger is all that I see…
Why is what I see is someone I do not know?
What can unlock my true self- what is the key?

Will I ever free my locked up soul
And my caged up heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Will I forever practice the art of illusion?
Why I do this, it is my biggest confusion
Will I be some one else for all time?
Finding a way to be myself is now my only resolution

Will I ever free my locked up soul
And my caged up heart?

I wear a mask of glass…

Why can we not be ourselves and simply reveal?
Every thought and all the things that we truly feel
Must there always be a hidden, always be a secret me
That will forever be concealed?

Some day my heart will be free
And I will be loved for what is in my heart

I wear a mask of glass…

I do not want to be forced to hide
I will not pretend and I will not lie
One day, some how I will not be concealed
And show whom I am inside

Some day my heart will be free
And I will be loved for what is in my heart

I will escape from this mask of glass.



Chamber

I’m filled with pain and lingering feelings
That I paint on my walls and ceilings.

Dreams and nightmares, hopes to be dead
Linger like worms upon my cold hard bed.

Despair and misery, can’t go anymore
So shut and lock and bolt the door.





Key

I don’t know what world I came from
Deep in my heart sleeps a dream
In the night is a sweet lullaby
That has a way to comfort me.

All I know now is that everything is a blur
Will you come now and show me what I am for?

As the moon ascends to the sky
Resting in me is a mystery
Somewhere I know surely
Within me is the key

I just don’t know what I am to do now
Why I am here… Could you show me how?

This serene feeling in my spirit
What is its name please tell me
Why I am here I do not know
But one day it’ll come eventually.





Come

Come toward me
So I won’t be lost in the distance.
The only light I see is you.
Let there be no more pain.
Here memories die and fade.

I am so alone and empty.
Stay with me, entity I’ve waited for

I give you all the stars and dreams
Like the rain you wash away all fears
My dear I plead for all your love.

Come toward me
So I won’t be lost in the distance.
The only light I see is you.
Let there be no more pain.
Here memories die and fade.

I am so alone
But with you I’m not empty.





Fragile

I know all too well
How to appear to be stable,
After all those years,
All feeling is indefinable

Certainly there is something
I want you to see,
Surely there are many expressions
I want you to heed.

Look into me and see what I feel
When I laugh and when I ache.
Maybe then I’ll stop being the person
Who just simply sits and waits.

Perhaps I’ll make the most of it,
Because I know you’ll be by my side,
Perhaps I might make it out of here
When I feel strong enough inside.

But for now my fragile feelings
Can only hope to reach you eventually.


Vulnerable

Do not want to cry
But that is all a lie
Do not want to feel
Just want to escape all that’s real

All I feel is shame
Living in this game
Letting things get to me
Eating away at me

Stronger now am I
From things that haven’t made me die
Push your tears away
This is a price to pay

Hello, pain, my friend
Will this never end?
I just don’t know why
People make me cry

Just leave me alone
Hidden in my home
Afraid of hurt being sent
Don’t want to be the strong one again

Falling down again
I will never win
Another road has turned
Lessons will be learned



Hanging

Please take my soul
And then never let me see it again
Just crush my spirit
Until I will never heal in the end

I am just a cell
That holds this havoc and pain in
So I ask you to destroy me
To the point I crash and burn

I can’t escape…
I am unable to flee these chains
Take all my hope now
Crush it until it doesn’t look mundane

Let me just hang here
And die watching the universe spiral away
Now leave me…Deceive me,
And don’t let me see the light of day

Saying

Hear what I am not saying
Do not listen to these lies
I want you to look deeper
For the truth hidden
Far within my eyes

When I say it is nothing
Do not listen to those words I say
What I am really asking
Is for you to hold me
For that is what I pray

Please, will you hear-
What I am not saying…

If I were to ask you
Not to pay me any kind of mind
What I am really saying
Is that I need you
To be understanding and kind

Remember that time I asked you
Not to look at me
The thing I really wanted to say
Was please see my tears
The ones that are locked in me

Please, will you hear-
What I am not saying…

When I say that I do not matter,
That you should not care
What I am truly saying
Is, please, will you
Forever always be there

All I ask of you is please hear
What I am not saying.



Chains

I have been weaved
Closely into your grasp
It leaves me unable to forget you,
Or of the moments we shared last
I know now of the things
I could never see
I had no point of running
Unless you were with me

Just I alone made half the distance,
But you held me back again
I would feel the cold chill
One that led me back to suffering
But I could feel freedom,
Those brief moments of soaring
Until once again I was beaten down
To the past I want to leave
You made it half the distance
Towards your goal
But it was a waste of time,
I held you behind once again

My shackles that hold me
Back from soaring, you are
The many chains that twist
About you, I am
You hold me back,
Leashing me to my cell;
I can’t leave you behind
This is our fate,
This endless waltz?
I’ll break through for your sake;
That will be my destiny

I am a slave with
In your scheme of clinging
Forever keeping you
In my embrace of friendship
Take your pieces
Of remembrance of me and leave me
You don’t need me to keep you alive;
I don’t need you to guide me
You are my troubles
That is why it followed me so easily

We’ve gone only half
The distance together
We’ve only gone one-fourth
The distance alone
We can’t go through together,
We’d be back to the cell once more
You’d hold me back;
I’d keep you down
This is our end, leave me now,
We have different paths


Don’t

Do not come here anymore.
Do not enter forevermore.
The unknown is impossible
Those feats are too hard, you are too low
It is better safe than to be sorry
Don’t fear what you don’t know

Crushes are bittersweet
Those feelings can make you fall
That’s why they are called “Crushes”.
Don’t let them leave you empty, stand up tall

Little things mean nothing
I used to think they were
They aren’t insignificant
Don’t let them fade into a blur

There is a threat commonly said
If you move you will surely die
I am dead and yet I can move
Don’t let what you have pass you by



Broken

Let me lie
With in my cell.
I hear the memories
Of lost yesterdays.
I am empty and lifeless
As if I were a doll.

Let me die here
For it was so long ago when I fell.
I burn in this autumn whirl,
This is the price I pay.
I am shattered and my empty eyes
Can shed no more tears.

Let the blood and pain
Sting my very soul.
I will be devoured by it
Along with my shattered heart.
I am suspended up
In this web of pain.

Let the shadows surround and take over
Leaving me alone and cold.
I hang being strung within
These illusions of iron wraps.
I am trapped within this black chamber
Created from my own despair.

Let me be locked
And let me be bound.
I sink clutched within
The web of my own melancholy.
I am as free as a blind bird
With broken wings trapped in a cage.

Let me be killed
And let it be slow and painful.
I want to feel this misery
As I am taken farther into the numbness.
I am broken
What hope do I have left?


People

People make me feel like an imbecile.
A person comes from a group of people.
And that one person makes me feel imprudent.
I myself am a person.
Therefore, I make myself feel unintelligent.
However…
It coming from myself has twice the impact…
Because my own view of myself triggers disgust
in my own self.
And my being seems useless and pointless.
Then there is the emptiness.


Song of Me

Everything is rotting
Into nothing more

The soul is always crying
Tears upon the floor

So maybe I’m just dying
Like a festering sore

Maybe I’m just lying
Lost within this horror

‘Cause everything is rotting
Into nothing more

And everything is dying
As I lie on this floor…

Leave

Pain: My comrade
Nagging all through day
I drowned in its glow
Wishing for darkness on my way

Loneliness: Companion
Sits with me by and by
As I lay with endless thoughts
As the stars disappear in the sky

Depression: My friend
Whom I know so well
I looked her in the eye
Wishing she’d just go to HELL

Beautiful

Forced down and tortured
I am locked to despair
Time goes slowly to me
Murmurs of the past
Spin ’round in the air
I am blind
This blackness is beautiful

I cannot take this place
Locked within these chains
I cannot feel,
Nor do I know my face
Locked here chained to fate

I have a hunger for change
I starve for some sort of truth
But having hope feels strange
I’m lost watching everything move

I have these impossible dreams
Vague illusions of the late night
That once I could hold it seemed
I held the sun, the moon, the skies

But those are illusions that die
Lost dreams that bleed in my soul
This lacking feeling leaves me empty inside
And there is nothing, but a deep hole

My life is shredded to nothing
And my heart is blended to a mess
My soul is ashes but its still burning
My mind is washed by madness

Forced down and tortured
I am locked to despair
Time goes slowly to me
Murmurs of the past
Spin ’round in the air
I’m blind
This blackness is beautiful

Beautiful…

Beautiful…

I am blind
And this blackness is beautiful to me

by

Manic? Perhaps…

We ate at “Nancy’s Kettle Top” tonight. It was freakishly wonderful for me. Who-yeah! It was a self-serve place. I skipped the entree table and hit the vegetables. Potatoes wedges, mashed potatoes and rice! Carbohydrate heaven! There was corn, carrots and greens as well as a salad bar too. I was a happy duck, and if CP and Neko were into such… I would drag them there if they ever come down this way.

Speaking of them, last night a chat room they and I go to at times was revamped. I could not get in for the love of cheese! I even tried downloading the stupid java thing. I gave up on it since it was doing odd things to my computer and I swore if it kept up my poor baby would crash on me. Then again, I am paranoid. I said, “Screw this!” It had taken hours for nothing and by then, my head was hurting from frustration. Here is the irritating part, after all that, I check the chat and it finally lets me in. Sigh.

Other than that, I “decorated” my room a bit earlier. When visiting my brother, my mom dragged me to Garden Ridge with her. I meandered off when I caught sight of many Halloween things. I skipped the costumes and headed for the decorations and novelties. I found a fake crow and I had to have it. There was another one twice its size (likely life size) but I grabbed for the small one. I decided to name it Jake, which is a first since I do not tend to name things. I grabbed a few other things like two hologram necklaces of a skull and cat, a glass box and a small cat. I swear, I can find at least one thing I like in almost any store. I mean, come on, how often can you find a person want to buy something at PetsMart for his or herself?

I also grabbed an “I’m Sorry” card when at Central Market with my father and sister. It was freaking cute. My sister, being her usual self, said, “What are you going to do with that?” I of course shrugged and said I would do something with it. I stuck it on my tower. It looks good there I think. Hu. The last “revamp” was with the empty space over my computer screen. I have some calendar pictures that were too lovely to throw away and thus put three of them up. It works nicely. I am happy. Whoot.

Oh, and I did the usual dawdling. I drew a picture last night and scanned it in. CP likes it. When she left, I got to work on coloring it. I like how it turned out. Good times. Along with that, I fooled around with the old story of mine. I swear, I keep adding and changing things. If you have ever read “The Onion Girl”, I am sure you will understand when I say that my characters are likely very mad at me or very screwed over. Poor them… but they are loved! Wha-ha!

I think I am manic now… which is odd since I am only bipolar II. Oh well!

Sigh… Where are my girls? I want them on! Wah…

~ The Hyper Vampire Sheep (Who-deh-ha’s!)

by

Many quotation marks…

Tuesday was spent half sleeping and half being awake. What is up with this need to sleep all of a sudden? I mean, yeah, my sleeping is hectic, but I do not undergo excessive hours of sleep until… wait a minute, maybe… Wow. Okay, maybe it is “normal”. I should have known from last night. I had my monthly nosebleed.

Ah, the joys of medication. To think I am better off with this sort of stuff. Ha! Though… yeah. If I get off it, the withdrawal would be hell. I know only due to forgetting about my medicine for two days. Oh, and it is much worse if I overdose just on an extra pill since the side effects seem to be the same in the beginning.

Anyway, I saw Neko and CP not long after I got back. Sadly, neither was on last night. Even though I hit the bed “early”, I could not sleep for some reason. Yeah, yeah… Sleep almost all day and I am surprised at having trouble sleeping? Why I was surprised was because I was struggling to stay up before I hit the bed. My body is odd… unless I use that excuse “… so tired I could not sleep”.

I have chatted with Lee during his History class apparently. Fun times. His teacher sounds boring though. I might be wrong, but hey, I am somewhat biased.

Hem… the simple word biased makes me think of CP and Neko. I am biased about their parental units. They know where I stand. Ah… I wonder if one can legally “adopt” a person who is a year older then him or her – not as a child! I want to make them legally my family. I am a nut.

I am rather curious to when I must see the psychiatrist again. Oddly, I found myself wanting to talk with her again – for important reasons, no. I merely seem to like her it seems. By now though, the need to talk is not here, but I thought it was noteworthy. How often do I actually care to talk idly with someone? I mean really.

Oh yeah, I think a new music fad is going around. Quite a while ago, it was downloading from things like Napster, Bearshare and the like. Then MP3 downloading and things of such similarities hit the runway. Now it is exchanging music through downloads. I have been hearing music I never heard before as of late due to emails sending songs my friends want me to hear.

It is interesting since for the most part I have either heard the songs or the songs are of genres I’ve never even heard before. Either way, I am always game when it comes to music unless it is something ridiculous… like Polka. I guess it is because of my family.

My mother used to listen to Country all the time and now has Classical playing all the time. Both parents listened to Oldies. Then there is my sister who is mainstream. My brother listens to pretty much everything it seems… Rap to Country, Alternative to Pop… My eldest brother, I have no idea anymore. I know he was a “Punk” sort of person, but nowadays he listens to music like Tori Amos or what I assume are bands or groups that are still trying to make names for themselves – he’s at the capitol and that is where Austin City Limits is.

I have no idea what my taste would be called really. I mean let me see what is playing on my thing right now… Cranes, Da Rude, Evanescence, Kyo, Lifehouse, Mehdi, Mono, Portishead, Sarah Brightman, Sarah McLachlan, Secret Garden, Tori Amos, and Yanni. I have not the slightest idea what those genres are. I just know they are on my list of “relaxing music” now. Ah well. I never was good about labels and categorizing.

It took me a bloody long time to get the idea of congregating during middle school. “Preps”, “Thugs” and the like… What in the hell are those! … That was how I was for years. Genres to movies, music and books… for the most part, I know naught. I can only identify dead giveaways. Country (that has not crossed over), Oldies, Classical… those are easy to identify. The labels for music like “Alternative”, “Rock”, “Punk” and such… those are a bit harder. I suppose it is due to all of the clashing of genres – “Punk wannabe”, “Pop-rock” and all of that bull. It is music, and that is all I really know.

Sigh. How annoying. I am feeling tired again.

~ The Vampire Sheep

by

Rejection…

I saw it coming, but did it anyway. I got back home just recently and my mother found in the mail a letter. It was about the application. They needed more experience. I think that is all that really needs to be said.

~ The Vampire Sheep (Is that an owl I hear?)