I spent my day researching again. I had stayed up all night last night and looked about on information of an old story comprised of three volumes, perhaps even four due to translated copies for other countries. To my demise, it has never reached America, thus it is quite difficult. It is hard even to find it second handed. It came out in the seventies though, so that adds on to my hard search. Foreign and from the seventies – boy I am interested in the hard to obtain things. Nevertheless, I always have found searching a hobby.

To my happiness, I found episodes based on the story. It is comprised of thirty-nine. I was able to find subtitled versions of the last four episodes, which you cannot even buy from English subbing distributors. I mainly cared for the ending, thus there is content.

Heh. I am becoming more feminine it seems. This observation is due to my easiness to succumb to tears when moved. Well, not tears, but watery eyes. It is a beautiful feeling.

Along with that, I have also discovered that I am easily inspired. Whenever I read, watch or endure something that pulls at my heartstrings… I have a joy that fills my heart and I feel wonderfully content as though on a natural high. I experienced that today often.

One of the reasons to my high was reading something Kyle wrote in his journal. He seemed happy. In fact, the way he talked actually reminded me of how I was before the move…. Hope for the future and peace with the past. I laugh when the thought stops abruptly when I think of how he was the very person who shattered that for a while and caused me to be fearful and wish to hide again.

There is additional information as well… due to recent events he had undergone something perhaps similar to what I went through before my transition – two days of pain due to relations with another. I do not think we went in the same order though, cycle wise. Seeing such causes me to wonder if human life really is so easily ordered… then again, I will just blame it on my old connection theory.

For transition, my thoughts soon drifted to Denise, a good friend of my younger years. She had been absent from my life for some years and before that absence, there had been tension. In the few conversations we have shared since after my move… I found a swelling pride fill my chest from how much she had grown up. Yes, I sound like an old person, but… I suppose I always have been such a way.

Intellectually and observatory abilities had been high in my share… or so people tell me for some odd reason. I however was quite suppressed in maturing emotionally. Either way, I always had felt old when around my friends, minus Kyle, I suppose. With Brooke and Denise, I felt like a parent with two quarreling kids. Trying, annoying, fun and memorable it was, nevertheless.

When I think of such things, I remember my dreams from the past. I am not certain if I ever really had outlandish ones when younger… Perhaps as a fanciful elementary child, I had such dreams, but I cannot remember that far.

My first one was to keep my closest of friends past schooling years. I found that improbable, however. People move on and lose contact. Well, those who had impacted my life the most, which means few, are still in contact with me. Not all are, but some are. So far, that dream seems to be carrying out. Here is hope for its future.

The second was to find someone I could connect with deeply and be able to keep the friendship going. It is a half and half I suppose when thinking on it amusedly. I have found those in transitioning periods of my life. We never did stay remarkably close as we had in the beginning, but we still know the other is there and there is a quiet understanding that I believe will always linger.

One that has been held deep in my heart though would be to find someone to share my life with… to live my life with and live his or hers with. To be frank, I am not talking about a lover or whatever such nonsense. Okay, it is not drivel, I suppose, but it is not a priority high on my list. I do not know if it ever will be either.

I remember my friends ask about dating. I remember seeing them dating. I remember hearing about them dating. I know who had sex and what period of his or her life it has been. I remember witnessing heartaches, anger and highs. I consider love a beautiful thing. It can be painful, but it is truly a beautiful thing. I just never cared to look for the sort I see others look for.

I have never cared about dating, for sex or to find someone to wed/bond with. I will never quite understand why though. I muse sometimes if it is because I am so used to being one who lives in a sort of solitude. A “sort” because I do not feel lonely. Perhaps I did when younger, but… something about growing up, listening, watching and experiencing… I am content.

I have been living down here for just a month and a half from what I surmise. I live in a structure that lacks structure and can do it with no worries since I am in this world and not the outside world. I suppose I always will be one to lack awareness of the outside. I am quite… misplaced beyond my private ways. Despite that, I have become utterly content now.

From around sixth grade until my ending of my second college semester I had always been stressed, tired, worried and perhaps unhappy. I found my joys, as I have only simple needs for pleasure, on occasion to occasion… The ups and downs, the whole shah-bang. After moving, though… I smile at the thought of how I am now.

I am told my brow has ceased knotting and I smile more… that I truly look happy. Truthfully, I am. I can actually say that I am happy… and for once, it does not bother me. That only makes me smile more. I have the simple life that perhaps has always been a dream I held since even a kindergartener. Yes, even back then I lacked the simplicity and calmness I possess now.

I had panic attacks back in my elementary years… perhaps even as far back as to first grade. I had always handled stress terribly and often would be discouraged, I believe. I always have a fondness for joking that my sister is to blame nowadays when perhaps five years earlier from this day I would has sobbed it out with deep meaning and pain. I had three years of emotional hell in middle school and began cutting along with breaking down. I found out then what panic attacks were and those were what I had suffered from often since young age. High school was the final layer of the cake. I had more breakdowns, deeper cutting, and despair with the wish to die when at my bleakest of moments…

Now I am here.

I thought earlier, when tending to the laundry that I felt a soft gratefulness that Kyle had called that night those few years ago. I never would have found this feeling… Heh, I never would have met Eileen or Erin either. I cannot help but find that amusing.

Either way, it is tonight I remembered that dream of living a simple life. I had forgotten it apparently. It came to me though when I was coming back to this very room before I started typing this. I do not remember who I had told the dream to, for I know I told someone, but it was a beautiful vision…

A languid day, the house is shadowy, in a calming way. The setting sun’s rays cascade delicately through the windows. I am sitting on a kitchen table and gaze outside. I am at peace… and it is beautiful.

I stepped outside earlier in the day… perhaps near the lunch hour and sat down in a chair under the “patio” that leads to the small yard. I was merely letting the dog out, but decided to rest there since he usually wants back in when I am in the opposite side of the house. I lounged there for some minutes and found myself singing. It reminded me of childhood.

As said, I am the type who keeps to oneself. When younger I just needed a swing and I would be content. I remember spending all recess swinging and singing to myself. It never occurred to me that those playing below could hear me as I sang my heart out. Simply put, it really ruffled me one day when a boy sat down in a swing beside me and told me to sing. I chuckle at that.

I think… I think I am somewhat reverting. I am becoming simpler. I just wonder how long this will last…

… and that of course reminds me of a song that could perhaps be called my theme.

…’Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again…

The feeling I received from that seems to be with me now… and it is wonderful.

Oh… and I need a haircut.

~The Vampire Sheep Who is One with the Duck

I was in the shower tonight after dusting the house. Yeah, yeah, midnight and I am dusting. I, being flighty in thoughts, was thinking about the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, odd thought.

It started out with how it was sad that the only animated version that had really put effort in getting the story recognized was almost nothing like the actual fable. Come on! It lost the moral! The moral was to not judge before you know. The Disney version gave off the idea for girls to go after mean and tough guys and that she will be able to change him into a sweet and caring guy. That usually leads to abusive relationships Disney, good job. The thought carried on though. The real story, about how one can easily judge before knowing, learning and the like.

Anyway, I started thinking about high school – yeah, flighty – even though I missed half of the “regular” high school settings. Want to know what I remembered most? Discrimination. Sad, but that was what I thought of. The biggest things that shot through my mind glaringly were sexual orientation and religion. It is amazing how the two coincide in arguments in school and out.

These days, homosexuality is really noted. It is no longer hush-hush. You see (idiot) TV shows about it, movies with it, see people rally in support or oppose it, and politicians use it. What always would grate my nerves was how people would use “gay” or “fag” so offhandedly now. Back when I was in middle school, it did not happen in such a way. When you said it, it was intentional and hurtful and could really “ruin” your reputation. Mainly it was irritating. I would know.

That led to the idea of tolerance. I am not saying change. I say tolerate. People are stubborn and egotistical creatures no matter what they say. Perhaps it is mainly America though. Back to the homosexuality, there is little to no tolerance. There is acceptance or opposition. There is no gray area.

Where I lived my childhood to adolescent years, homosexuality is utter sin! Heaven forbid! In comes religion. The town was highly religious and mainly Baptist. I have nothing wrong with Christianity. I just have a problem with most of the Christians I have met. Why is that? “Because God said so.” That phrase is a weak argument, no offense, but it is. People say that, but have no other argument to back him or her up other than that he or she just “does not agree” or “thinks it is wrong”.

Well, if that is all a person has to argue with, he or she is plain ignorant in my book – not stupid, but ignorant. If you know nothing about the topic, then keep your mouth shut. The phrase “walk in another man’s shoes” comes to mind. I admit, I have not encountered as much discrimination in terms of sexuality, but I have had my share. How I know about it is due to my race and by being something of an outcast.

That is the thing about discrimination; it is always about the outcast. The Holocaust was mainly about the Germans trying to redeem themselves and getting out of their debt and such, but much of it was done using discrimination – a superior race. It is just like that today, but is not so “apparent”, if you ask me.

In a history class, year 1969, in Palo Alto, California, had an incident regarding discrimination due to an experiment concerning the Holocaust. People think such things cannot happen today, not here in America… well, it does. Thing is, people turn the other cheek even if he or she knows it is wrong. Others are the ones who do the discrimination. Then there are those who try to fight against it.

Holocaust, why did not anyone do anything or say anything? How could such a terrible thing have gone on when people knew it was happening? Usually the person is afraid, he or she turns the other cheek, or is caught up in the belief. People will silence people. Some will think it is out of right reasons, but… they can be of utterly wrong ones.

Another example is the Salem Witch Trials. They started out from discrimination. They also started out with those who were outcasts. If I were of that time, I would likely have been the first to be called a witch. The ones targeted at first were women who could heal with remedies. They were perhaps considered odd or were loners. Some might have talked to his or herself. Either way, if you were eccentric, you could easily become a target.

It has occurred in America ever since the beginning to now. Women, races that were not English, et cetera were all suppressed or discriminated against. Civil rights, Women’s Rights, end of segregation, the right to vote and many other changes had occurred slowly and had fought hard battles. There is still fighting. Not only for those cases though.

There is the noted Pearl Harbor case. Japanese were suddenly enemies, even those born in the United States. They were put into camps. It was not as bad as the Holocaust, but it was still something of the same principle.

Nowadays, there are still religion wars. It is not as bad as the Crusades where people were impaled for a “righteous cause”, but there still are arguments. America is said to be the land of the free. I suppose it is, but there is still lack of tolerance. It is said that you can practice any religion. That is true, but there is still discrimination.

America is mainly Christian. In fact, most would likely see America to be Christian. Most of the people expect you to be Christian. It is hilarious though. People escaped England to go to America to practice their religion freely. Well, now it is somewhat the same as it was back in England many years ago. Sure, you are not put in prison for it, but there are people who will go against someone not of the “right” religion.

With different beliefs in religion, there is violence. People will shove his or her beliefs down your throat. People will decide what is right and wrong based upon their beliefs. They determine their own sense of justice. When one convinced that he or she is right, the person will want to impose his or her convictions upon others, perhaps trying to do the world a favor.

Those are well meaning intentions, I am sure, but they make America just like the past England. I recall my eighth grade Spanish class. We were discussing Catholicism. As said, the place I lived in is mainly Baptist. In the end, the teacher asked for what religion people followed. In the end everyone but me raised hands on Baptist, but you could not simply count to tell that everyone had. I lacked raising my hand since I never was Baptist and by then I was not really of Christian beliefs. When she asked if anyone was Catholic, I was going to just sit there. No one raised their hands.

Well, me being me… that really irked me. “Sheep,” was the word I thought, actually. In the end, after there was a long silence and the teacher was surprised that “everyone” was Baptist, I raised my hand. I was raised in a Catholic family, even though it is mainly just my mom. She is the only one who goes to church and the like, but she is very accepting to others beliefs and choices. Much to my surprise, I even remembered things about the Catholic ways. The crossing of the heart – The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost thing, I never realized that was only Catholic. I did not know that going to Mass was a “weird” term to those who were Baptists. What I did know though, was that every kid in that class thought such acts were weird or stupid. It made me proud for raising my hand.

Voicing one’s belief is fine. Telling others that he or she is wrong because the person’s belief system is not like yours is not fine. That is what is so irritating. When someone tries to condemn others who do not believe exactly what he or she thinks they should is just annoying.

That is not the entire point of this though. So far, this is all along the lines of groups and that is just stereotyping then. No, this goes deeper to individuality. I am not bashing Christians or those who are not gay. By god, I know those who are on the other side are just as bad.

An example would be some guys in my life. One of my brothers, for example, is very opinionated. He preaches and he will shove his beliefs down your throat. He can make a Christian feel bad, frustrated, irritated or angry… even someone who is not a Christian… pretty much anyone who is under a religion goes under the category. His views are fine by me, I am not very religious myself… but having him shove it down throats is irksome.

Another example deals with homosexuality. I have encountered my share of people on the net and real life who are just as bad as the people who put them down. Some are showy, exhibitionists and can be just as callous. I have seen those who feel they have to prove something. What is up with those of homosexual relationships who feel like they must make out in front of others? It is just as annoying and tacky as a heterosexual couple doing it in public as well.

As stated before, I am against how words like “gay”, “fag”, and “queer” are used so freely in schools nowadays and teachers will allow it. Despite that, I am still against certain homosexual people. I have met my share of those who think they are better than me because he or she is of a sexual orientation different from me.

I have even endured assholes that were the opposite sex, but homosexual, who badmouthed my body because I was not the same sex as him. Sorry you are not into my body’s formation, but do not be that way towards those who cannot help being a certain sex. That is being hypocritical really. He complains about how people say that homosexuality is a choice and not what a person is born as. Well, my case is, I was born a certain way without a choice either.

The main point of this long-winded essay is that people judge before even knowing. This is not simply about religion, sexuality, or other debatable subjects of similar flare. This is about judging people not as a whole, but as an individual. Labels, stereotypes, groupings, cults… If one is like that, all under that particular thing is like that. I am sorry, but that is bull. All sides are different. All people are different. People make up these different groups.

Therefore, do not stereotype. Do not assume. Do your research before making a decision – no not simply research on your side, but also on the other man’s side. Do not be ignorant. Sad thing is though, that is the human race for you… or maybe it is mainly America. (You do notice the stereotype there, right? Ha!)

~ The Vampire Sheep has spoken.