Yes… it is snowing today. My parents informed me the day before that it would. I was skeptical and allowed myself to be… quietly, I figured, if I felt that way then the likelihood of it occurring would be so. Usually expectations get thwarted.
The last time it snowed here was maybe three or four years ago. It somewhat amuses me that I have seen snow here more in five years than I ever did when I lived farther north. Despite this, I hold no childlike wonder or giddiness over it. i looked out and thought, “Ah, it is snowing.” If anything made me feel delight it was the fact that it was my cat’s first snow. He isn’t all that interested either though, but it makes me happy.
Other than that, I have little to say. Well, something happened yesterday that is to be noted, though. What I get monthly is based on what my dad gets in regards to social security or something… well, a year or two ago they goofed and wound up paying my dad more than intended. Because of that they did the same with me. So, my dad now owes around two thousand and so dollars and I owe around a thousand and five hundred. My parents told me not to worry about it though… Huh…
Other than that… not much has happened that sticks out to me. I did get to talk with Kyle for a while the other night… it was the most we had really conversed in a long time. It was nice. There is also that haircut appointment at the end of the week. To bloody expensive if you ask me, but I’d rather have a terribly expensive haircut that actually looks good on me and feels right rather than a cheap one that is like a chili bowl and doesn’t… Oi.
That is all.

I apologize for last night. I truly meant nothing harmful by it. It isn’t until now that I have come to understand why my words upset you so. It was a complete misunderstanding.
When I say, “Oh, (insert name) has dependency issues.” I say it with affection. I’ve always used it to mean, “Oh, (insert name) wants some affection.”
In my home it is understood what I mean. I also have never seen the term co-dependent as a bad thing, nor have known it to be.
From some enlightenment from a family member (no, I didn’t relay last night to said member) I realize why you became so upset.
I am not well versed in what is acceptable behavior and wording when it comes to socializing. I never mean to provoke or cause harm. I avoid confrontation if I can help it because it makes me nervous and upset. You might say I have a bit of PTSD in regards to such. In turn, I freeze and am terrified.
I never apologized last night because I believe that an apology must be sincere and understood. At the time, I had no idea what I did wrong. I could not be sincere until I knew what was the fault because it goes against my morals.
I was sorry I hurt you, I was sorry things turned out like they did, but I couldn’t say I was sorry for what I said when I didn’t know why it was so “terrible”.
Now I know why. I apologize for causing you pain and thus anger. Again, whatever way you interpreted it, it wasn’t so.

I do not expect a reply, but I hope you read this.
Don’t worry though, I will never appear in chat again.

—

Saturday night had been a harsh one. The letter I wrote to a specific person basically tells the story. All of this happened in a chat room. I said something along the lines of, “(Insert name), you seem to have some dependency issues.”
She asked me what I meant when she caught it and whether I was joking or not. Well, since I didn’t interpret my words as a bad thing, I replied I wasn’t joking nor was I insulting her. It went downhill after that.
After the incident, I tried to understand why she was so upset, from another person who had been in the chat room. He couldn’t help. After dwelling and still not understanding I picked up a habit I had used once before to cope. Yes, cope. After I had said the “dependency issue” phrase, the girl had blown up at me and cursed at me like mad. Basically it left me in tears and confusion.
Said habit is deleting posts. The chat I was in was an extension from the board I’ve mentioned previously on here. I have a plenty good amount of posts on there so last night I spent some good hours deleting posts I made. It is somewhat therapeutic doing such repetitious acts and after a while I wasn’t crying and I was less emotional. Thoughts weren’t occurring as often. I went to sleep around four.
I woke up briefly around seven, ate breakfast and soon enough went to sleep again. I didn’t get up until perhaps one this afternoon. As mentioned in the letter, I did ask a family member for enlightenment. My mom understands me the best and is able to make things easier for me to comprehend. As noted in the letter, I would say “dependency issues” with an entirely different meaning than others know it to mean. My mom is aware of this and knows my true intentions. When it was established that that would be the topic, I simply asked her, “To say it to another person thought would be considered an insult though?” She told me yes. She then explained what negative connotations can come from it.
I still don’t quite understand what is so terrible about saying such on a sympathetic level, but I have a better mental understanding now. Well, with the help of a board member I was able to contact the girl and send her the letter. I deleted a few more posts after that and talked with a few members via messenger, but mainly just kept to myself. Talking and writing out such things do not always work for me. I am tired and my preservation tendencies are trying their hardest to make me numb.
She replied. She made it out to be nothing and that she accepted my apology. In the end she said she just wanted me to understand why my words had been so wrongly used. As I told others, even if she were to accept my apology, I doubted it would change anything from my side. It is true… and her response rather sealed the deal. If it was so small a deal, then why did she feel the need to corner me, write profanities and terrify me out of my wits? If she wanted me just to understand what I did wrong, why didn’t she just try to explain rather than yell at me until I cried? I cannot take her response to be genuine. Even if it is, I still cannot see her in the same light as before. She depresses me.
I don’t know how long I will avoid the board and I have no idea if I’ll ever go back into chat. For now though, I seem to rely on my more animalistic ways. My heart was cracked deeply… and all I wish is to avoid them and heal quietly.
From this I have learned that even the most docile of people can turn a one-eighty. I’ve also learned I still am utterly helpless when it comes to understanding things.  I now know to no longer use such a phrasing. I know now that happiness really can leave one vulnerable when something bad does happen. Being human and yet not understanding how to be one is annoying.

That is all.

I read the graphic novel my brother got me. My dad came home and lunch and stayed for the rest of the afternoon. We went grocery shopping for a few things. Around four a lady came for paper signing and such… my parents got the loan finally to pay off the IRS. They had to take out something… it dealt with my grandmother’s house… Sigh.
Tonight I saw the blue moon. I almost didn’t because the sky is covered in a blanket of clouds. To my fortune the clouds were moving. I saw the moon briefly so I made my wish quickly. I’m a semi-superstitious person. I don’t live by superstitions. It is a “do it just in case” thing. In any case, it made me happy. I got to make my wish as well as see the moon. It was so bright and beautiful.
Anyway, it is 11:30 now… I have half an hour left until New Year’s Day arrives. I’m only up because I slept this afternoon. Heh. Well, in any case, I hope year 2010 will be better. I’m not a person full of hope, but I keep just a bit… a small fragile hope…

The only thing different on Sunday for me was getting an e-card, bought the last presents on my Christmas list and making some gingerbread cookies with my mom. Some might ask, what sort of celebration is that? Well, I’m not interested in celebrating, thank you very much.
Anyway, the e-card was from my dad. it was pretty cute, made me smile and even chuckle aloud. That is something.
The shopping was to get the present for my brother. I had already gotten Mom and Dad’s gifts during the summer. I got my eldest brother’s gift around autumn and bought the gifts for my sister and “sister-in-law” on my haircut day. So, yes… the gift buying is finally over with! I wrapped them up that night and stuck all the gifts under the tree.
With those was also a gift that I helped my dad get. Mom has been talking about getting herself a laptop for a while, so Dad and I get her one. He paid for the bulk, but I added in. I still consider its Dad’s gift to her though. Since he helped me in getting the computer I am using now, in total it is somewhat evened out… the rest I consider a birthday gift since it is about the same amount my mom spent. Well, I wrapped that up too of course.
As for the cookies… We’ve never had gingerbread cookies during the Christmas season and I cannot recall ever eating a gingerbread man. I asked my mom if she would be willing to make some earlier this month out of whim. Now, making means my mom found the recipe and did all the preparations. I merely helped cut the shapes and decorate. Heh. They were good!
The forum I go to even had a thread started by a guy I am friends with (casual is anything). The three main people I hoped to see a post by all posted. That was good enough for me. Also, in the same fashion, Jill left a note wishing me a happy birthday. I’m surprised she even remembered! Now, one could say it is bad that I’m not certain what day her birthday is, but I’m that way with everyone. I know it is in June… I just have a bad tendency to get the day either one day off or adding on ten days. I do that with my Dad’s birthday and my brother’s. Sigh…
Well, with that day taken care of… now there is Monday. It was normal as well. The only thing different was… my mom’s dog went in for surgery. The sickness mentioned earlier regarding him… yeah, he needed surgery due to it. So, he is now doped up on meds, has to have pain relievers and is stitched up. He did well… but the trouble is always the healing. He’ll go in again on Wednesday to get his bandages changed, but for two weeks, we’ll have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t tear his stitches.
In other news… during the weekend my dad got a call regarding his brother. My uncle has been mentioned about having cancer in his lungs and having MS… Well, the experimental stuff mentioned? He was on chemo and recently was out on the job. He underwent temporary paralysis. Yes… it was apparently a result due to his MS reacting to the therapy. The annoying thing is, once he was able to move again he drove his way back home. (At least, I believe that is where he drove to… Yes, my memory is bad.) Well, whatever the details were, the point is the point. He shouldn’t have been driving!
Sigh…
Mom is certain he will die soon. From what she told me, it seems he called my dad and begged him to go up there to visit him. Dad meanwhile ignores this. Dad has never been good about this sort of stuff… Mom mentioned something like this happened before when it regarded his best friend in the previous state we lived in. His friend had been dying, begged my dad to come up and visit… Dad refused… It is sad. I can understand not being able to handle such a scenario… even my mom struggled with such when my grandma was ill from what I heard… but for them to be begging and him just looking the other way…
Sigh.
I don’t know what else to say after such a dim paragraph. I guess it isn’t necessary though. I have a gift to wrap for my dad anyway.. I will wrap it and stick it under the tree.
Night.

Well, Wednesday… the day after my tooth surgery… I got up, ate breakfast… boy that was hard and then I decided to try to do some chores. Well, when putting up one of my mother’s thick pottery bowls up… it slipped. It slipped and landed right on my head…
That bloody hurt… So, the rest of the day I was bedridden.
Eating isn’t as bad as feared, but it is a bit hard. I’d go into it, but I still have a bloody headache. Yes, it is near midnight on a Thursday and my head still hurts from that bowl.
So yeah… I slept most of today only getting some chores done. The sides of my head hurt, the back of my jaw is sore and my gums feel freakishly raw… Thinking is on autopilot for the most part and trying to concentrate is a bitch.
Sigh…
Anyway, I just wanted to post something I wish to remember. It was a response to the board I go to. A girl who is a year older than me asked “How do romantic asexuals separate romance/sex? Especially when our culture conditions us to see romance in the context of a sexual relationship (sexual as in sexual attraction exists, not sexual as in sexual activity)?”
I answered.

I’ve always viewed sex as a short thrill. When relationships start you have that amazing high that has been expressed in metaphors about flying and doing the “impossible”… Eventually that dies down though and there is a gentler yet lasting bond. I kind of view sex as a thing people perform to get that high back when possible. But sex alone cannot sustain a relationship. Sex can even die off when you get older – unless you turn to libido pills. Romance can last if you try though. Romance doesn’t rely on physical means – it can be expressed by the physical, but one can be romantic without it.
I see romance as a sort of acceptance. While sex can liberate the body (or so I assume), romance can liberate the emotions. I can see them as quite similar, but they mainly focus on different areas… thus when you have romance and sex together it could very well be “the closest you can bond with a person emotionally and physically”. The thing is… there are asexuals who would like a bond like that without needing the physical aspects. Personally, I want that connection with another human being, but not by sex. I want the mental and emotional part. Those you have been in love with, can you say you had the same emotional and mental closeness you’ve had with them is the same as with say your friends or your family? Perhaps you have, but I believe there is a difference. A person can be a certain way around certain people in their lives. A person can be similar towards their friends, family and partner… but there is always a slight difference.
Personally, I have felt longing and yearning for a person before. It was not like how one feels when they long to be with their family or long for a friend to remember me when he or she is more focused on something else. It is a longing to be the One. It is a longing to be that one certain special person in another person’s life and for that same person to be the one for you.
Despite that, I never had a sexual thought run across my mind at all. I never thought of how sexy his body was or fantasized us being sexually intimate. I fantasized us being together, happy and loving. The farthest physical intimacy went in my dreams were holding hands, each other, leaning against each other, hugging, cuddling and such… Things like kissing, foreplay, lust, arousal and intercourse never entered my mind.
Think of it when you were little and never knew about sex. There were fairy tales. There would be those little girls who’d dream of being a princess and having a prince and living happily ever after. Would you say they never dreamed of being loved by the One? It might be a bit like that. Some asexuals still consider romance to equate to love between a couple… they kiss, they cuddle, they hug and hold hands… but like the princess movies you see on TV… it never goes as far to the wedding night.
Some don’t think of that stuff. At least, I know I don’t.

Okay… that is it. I am going to lie down and rest my head despite I have been doing this ever since Tuesday afternoon. Man, it is annoying…

Well, let’s see. Things went as assumed. Saturday was like any other Saturday other than I slept most of it. Dad and I got groceries and that is the only important thing I recall happening. Mom’s dog might have gotten ill that day… I’m not sure.
Sunday, I woke at nine thirty. I ate breakfast and later when I moseyed out of my room, I found my dad was getting out the Christmas stuff. He got the tree up and was pulling out decorations. I sorted through some a bit. I think my mom was in the kitchen, thus apparently cooking something… maybe a late breakfast.
Anyway, my dad asks me to decorate the tree. I’m not in the mood since the night before I only got so much sleep and my head was really out of it… but, we might have made a glitch on my meds, so that might have also influenced such.
Well, I decorated that tree and did it apparently well. Once that was accomplished I stayed up a bit due to stubbornness, but hit the bed around eleven thirty. I woke up again perhaps around six thirty. My brother was home as he usually is on Sunday nights and so I finally got up.
The rest of the night went as usual until seven thirty to eight rolled around. Having finished dinner and my brother leaving, Mom and I watched Elf for the very first time last night. It had its funny moments and had some sweet moments. We both liked it as a holiday film. After that mom hit the hay… I don’t know how late I stayed up though.
Monday was pretty much normal. I did chores as usual, did my own thing later and took a nap during the afternoon. Mom’s dog was in worse shape that day. He even hurled in the back yard when my dad let him out that afternoon. The rest of the evening was pretty normal despite that. Another “oddity” was that we didn’t watch our usual TV shows. Mom wanted to watch “A Dog Named Christmas”. She recorded it the night before. So, at seven, Dad, Mom and I watched it. It was nice. Mom was on the couch with her ill dog resting near her… Dad’s dog was meandering around us until he finally settled down next to me and my cat was in the living room doing his own thing, but finally settled down on the headrest of the couch.
After that Dad went to bed and Mom stayed up to catch one show. I think it was Lie to Me. Well, I would have stayed up, but I wanted to get enough sleep in so I could wake up at four the next morning. Why four? December first meant wisdom tooth day. I couldn’t eat for six hours before my surgery, so… I needed to get up early.
Well, I brushed my teeth, set my clock and hit the bed. Now, my inner workings don’t take well to sleeping around eight to nine in the evening… so, it was a struggle. I did fall asleep maybe an hour later though… I woke up again around eleven forty-eight though. I was not sleepy then. Well, I tried to fall asleep again anyway.
I woke up again around two and after that drifted in and out of a light sleep, so when three thirty came, I mainly just rested there and rose when it was three fifty. So, yeah… I turned off my alarm clock, got up and began cooking some pasta so I’d have a filling meal.
It was ready by four, so I ate. I left my room again around four thirty to find my dad up. I placed my empty dish in the sink, said good morning to him and headed back to my room. Letting the food settle, I stayed up for a while surfing the internet. In the end, around six I hit the bed once more.
Dad came in not long after to give my meds to me and then I fell asleep. I woke again around eight fifty. Rising I got my clothes ready and took a shower. I did a bit a chore or two after that and then dried my hair with a blow dryer for once. I usually just towel dry. After that I sort of piddled.
Well, the time finally came to head for the dentist. Dad drove us there and Mom planned to wait for me. We got there pretty early… like fifty minutes. Bleh. Well, my mom had a loose veneer cap? Whatever it was called, it was loose. So, she went in briefly to get it glued back on. Not too long after she returned did I go in.
It was like any other visit to the dentist to me. I was somewhat out of it due to it being morning and just let them do whatever. They stuck a wrap about my arm to keep check on my blood pressure. They then inserted and IV in for the medicine that would knock me out and they then placed the stickies and  wires on me for the EKG. Oh… and that finger clamp for the oxygen level was placed on too. Basically, it reminded me of that time I was in the hospital after my first and last suicide attempt.
Well, I eventually dosed off and the next thing I knew I had a blanket on me, my mom was in the room and apparently it was all over. Well, yay. My lower face was of course numb and I had cotton stuffed in my mouth to soak up the blood. I got to see my wisdom teeth in their full glory too.
Anyway, when I was deemed awake enough to stand, they let me go. Heading out, Dad was waiting for us. He led me to the car and we all got settled in. Returning home, I basically went straight to my room and went to bed. Basically, I always do that after being at the dentist…
From maybe twelve onward I slept. When three thirty came my mom checked on me. I was doing pretty well. My lip was still numb, but was tingling by then at least. My gums are still bleeding though. Bah.
Well, other than that, I am fine. I can’t talk though really since the cotton muffles my voice, but other than that… just peachy keen.
In the future… On Thursday the eleventh Mom and I will be getting our haircuts… at a different mall. My birthday will come up. My brother’s birthday will come up and Christmas will come along.
That is all for now. Whoop!

Well… Turkey Day has come and gone. Thursday morning I got up around seven. I ate breakfast around seven thirty to eight and took a shower at eight thirty. At nine thirty I wound up snoozing a bit and then we left at ten thirty.
My mother, brother and I left to see relatives. My dad stayed home this Thanksgiving to look after the dogs. As previously mentioned, my mom’s dog is healing. Well, she didn’t want to leave him alone at an empty vet clinic in a cage for two days. Also, if he didn’t stay, then his dog would have to be outside in the cold all day until we got back… so Dad stayed. Oi.
Well, on the road my small family went. My brother drove for us. We headed first to see my eldest brother and his girlfriend. That was a two hour drive. We visited for a while and then all of us filed out. My eldest brother and his girlfriend were going to follow us to the eating site.
So, we headed off for another hour drive to reach our cousins. On the way there we stopped by the cemetery that holds my mother’s parents and her grand parents. We changed the flowers to my grandparents’ graves and the grave to my mother’s little brother, who died when he was an infant.
All of us looked around some. My two brothers wandered elsewhere to the opposite sides of the cemetery. Mom, my brother’s girlfriend and i just stayed together. It seems my bro’s girlfriend had only been to a cemetery once before this visit. My mom was surprised. I just took it to be mildly interesting.
Anyway, after that we continued our way and soon reached our cousins’ home. My sister arrived there thirty minutes before us. Said cousin is my mother’s first-cousin. Thus her children are my third-cousins. Her children are all older than me and married. I learned upon arrival that Justin, the older of my two third-cousins there, will be a father around the beginning of next year. Yes, his wife was obviously pregnant. My other cousin, his sister is married and looking fine as always.
My mother’s first-cousin, thus my second, seemed to be doing okay despite her hard times as of late. I know her as my Aunt really. Her children I see as first cousins. Odd, but that is how it worked out.
My great aunt, who I see as my grandmother, seemed to be doing okay. She still repeats things over and over from what I hear, but she got around and interacted. My sister said she looked a lot better that day than she had the last time she saw her.
Well, soon enough the food was set… my mom brought vegetarian lasagna, a salad and ham. The rest was done by my “Aunt”. Mom said grace then and we lined up to get our shares – buffet style you could say. Everyone got settled at available spots and we ate. It was good. There was joking between my cousins that in turn made my siblings and me laugh. We updated each other a bit and ate well.
I finished first. That is nothing new. After that I just sort of lingered about. I spent time mainly around my great aunt, my eldest brother, his girlfriend and my mom. I found some trivia cards and killed some time with my brother and his girlfriend through that.
Eventually my mom and brothers got the cameras we brought along to get some memories on film. So, when our cousins were working on making some dessert, Mom and my eldest brother were snapping pictures. It was fun.
After that we settled down again and tried out the desserts. I actually sampled some this year. I never have been a dessert person, but I decided to try out a small bit of the pumpkin pie. I didn’t care for the consistency really, but it tasted good. I didn’t really sample the pecan pie, though, but I did pick the pecans off to the top a bit. Bad me.
Well, after that it was just sort of lounging and talking. My sister got into a piss poor mood later when it came to what camera she was supposed to be able to take back with her – apparently she was taking one for a trip she was going to have some point. That and she needed two cards for spending and emergencies, but Mom somehow left one behind. I think the majority just ignored her.
Well, my sister cooled off sometime later after pitching a fit over it at our father on her cell phone. After that all was dandy. In the living room our third cousins and their spouses watched football. My second brother was in there too. The rest of us remained in the kitchen/dining room area and just talked.
My sister was the first to leave because she had work later I think. I sort of piddled in between the groups for a while. It was near five when we took leave though. My brother needed to get back in time to go to work that night and my eldest brother and his girlfriend had other engagements as well.
So, we all said goodbyes, filed into our respected vehicles and left. The ride back was spent mainly asleep for me. I was achy and tired by then. I think my mom slept a lot of the ride too. Still, somewhere during it my brother got a call from his roommate. He managed to find a black cat in front of their apartment and brought it in. We are assuming it had to have been Smokey. So, the two have been exchanged again. I just hope it really is my brother’s cat this time and not some third black cat.
Well, we got home around seven thirty. We brought in the leftovers and my brother got in his own car and left for work. I tried to stay up, but I was still achy and had trouble staying coherent. So, I hit the bed not long after and was out of it until around twelve thirty. I caught up on some net things then, ate “dinner”, and stayed up until four.
I slept from then until late that morning. I ate breakfast and did some chores, but was still tired. I took a shower and wound up going back to bed. Yeah… Today was pretty much all sleep. I’m not surprised though. I always require a lot of sleep after gatherings. Despite I enjoyed Thanksgiving, being around a decent amount of people and socializing drains me easily.
Well, I woke up around six thirty because my Mom checked in on me. TV time it was. So, I got up and watched TV with her. I had sort of skipped lunch today. I ate half a bag of Baked Lays. So, when it was around eight I cooked a potato in the microwave, cleaned up the kitchen, took out the cooked potato, garnished the cooked potato with cheese and bacon, settled back down and ate.
The shows began to drizzle once I was done eating and after watching the news a bit, I retreated to my room. I updated myself on some things via the net, chatted with Shred very briefly, found some songs I liked in my past and am now writing this.
I’m sure I’ve left out some things, but I am somewhat on auto-pilot here. Then again, I kind of feel like I’m on auto-pilot almost all the time. Anyway, that is all that comes to mind in events accomplished.
The Christmas tree might come out tomorrow or Sunday from what I gathered from my dad. Then on Tuesday I’ll have my wisdom teeth taken out. I’ll get to live off soft foods for a while after that. Bah.

Last Friday Mom’s dog went in to the vet. He had been sick for a few days and ran a fever the night before. A place where he puts too much weight on had rubbed enough to build up a lot of liquid… about the size of a baseball. Well, that finally got infected. He’ll need surgery… complicated surgery that will cost maybe 1,000 dollars and such. He is on a lot of medicine right now too.
This past weekend I’ve been out of it. I’ve been sleeping a whole lot… It is rather annoying.
A board I have been going to since around the beginning of this month has really made me happy. It is nice going there and I’ve actually made some casual “friends”.
Back on the sixteenth I let a person who contacted me read the first part of that LONG story of mine. Well so far the person doesn’t seem bored. Yay!
I also chatted with a few people on IRC one night and it was very interesting. I had a hard time following the conversation, but they were nice. I learned about how “gender” is a misused word and what it truly meant when it was a psychological term. I also learned obsession was like that too. It used to be affiliated with the mystical and was similar to being seen as being possessed.
In joining that board I’ve also began “collecting” abandoned dragon eggs from dragcave.net. It is fun. I like watching the eggs slowly hatch and then the hatchlings grow. I have four fully grown dragons now!
Sunday night, my brother told me about Smokey… it seems a black cat who looked very much like him had been outside his appartment the other night. My brother’s roommate let it in and stuck him in my brother’s room. It wasn’t Smokey… so when my brother gets home he picks up a black cat laying in his room, but soon sees one dash for the bed… Yep… there are two black cats.
Well, my brother isn’t sure which one is Smokey now. He decided one had to be his cat and put the other back outside. Still, he doesn’t seem to be quite certain.
Monday I fell asleep around three in the morning, woke up for breakfast at eight and went back to sleep an hour later. I finally got up again at around one thirty. The night before I had been reminded of Peabody… I became quite sad and looked at the memorial page I made for him… I sniffled and my eyes watered some… sigh… I miss him.
Anyway, Monday was pretty normal after that… I did my chores and got online to check out the board some. When dad got home, though, my brother called. He asked my dad if Smokey had been neutered. He had been. He asked because the cat he has now doesn’t seem to have been. Oi!
Well, a while later my brother came over. Seeing its eyes… I knew it wasn’t Smokey. It is smaller, younger, it hasn’t been neutered and it doesn’t have the flecks of single gray hairs on its back… the gray it has is on its belly… My brother lost his cat…
Sigh… well, I went to bed early that night and woke up around seven Tuesday morning. I ate, did some chores, took a shower and got ready. My mom, dad and I got int he car. Mom dropped Dad off at work and we headed to see the foot doctor. It was just a checkup to see how the orthodics were doing. I’ve been doing great with them, in truth.
Well, after a bit of talk, the check up was over and Mom and I paid what the insurance didn’t cover… they were a whole lot cheaper by then. Yay!
After that my mom and I got back home. She did a few things and then left for work. I cleaned up some and spent the rest of the day as I usually would. I did take a nap in the afternoon, so I woke up again around seven. Mom wanted to watch NCIS, so we did that, ate dinner and by nine she needed to go to bed. She’s really into facebook right now, so before she goes to bed she tends to check it. Other cases are where she gets a message by cell phone and she says, “I have to respond”. I just smirk. She doesn’t have to respond right that second, but she does.
Well, it is midnight here now and I guess it is time to go to bed. I’ll likely write about Turkey Day Thursday night or Friday… Night-oh, night-oh.

I was informed just now about my uncle… those shadows were extensions from the cancer on his previously removed kidney. The cancer is in his lungs and chest… I cannot remember the name other than it beginning with renal. No chemo can help it… Apparently survival rate to five years more is 5% if my memory of what she just told me is correct. Yes, my memory is that bad.
Sigh… As usual, hearing about death, I just go into a numb state minus the fact that my chest gets tight and I somewhat forget to breathe regularly…
I have nothing else to write…

Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me.
It has been okay so far… I’ve been paranoid on occasion, but he seems a heck of a lot better than the last guy. Talking with him for about half a week though… it is no different to me when I hold a brief conversation with someone I casually know, and I mean casually, or even when talking to others I only see a brief time… like when at a check out at the grocery store.
There just is no connection. He’s nice and all, but I feel no interest. At best I just think, “Well, at least I’m socializing a bit more doing this…” Oh, well.
Onwards… I saw the foot doctor yesterday. I got my orthodics and they are working out great so far. Admittedly my lower back is bothering me, but I really feel the change. Walking doesn’t feel awkward like it did before! Yosh!
Another thing happened yesterday too. I joined a new board on the twenty sixth… it is for asexuals. Well, from it, I learned the term for how I feel in another case. Agender. I always had trouble identifying with the sexes… I never felt I fit with girls, but I never felt like I did with boys either. On that site, I found my feelings aren’t so far fetched! There were others! It made me happy.
Despite all of this okay news though… In my most recent round of trying to get out there a bit, even if it is just via the net, it is just as hard as previous endeavors. I always try when I get these urges… I just… never seem to fit in no matter where I go. While I can relate to people on this board, I still feel like an outsider. I almost always feel this way when it comes to people.
It seems the only time I feel loneliness is when I actually try to find friends. In my search, I never seem to find a real connection with another… I just feel lost in a swarm of people. I become longing and sad. An ache enters my chest and I know loneliness.
Sigh…
It really got to me last night when I tried to go to sleep. The ache was there and I just wanted to hug someone. My parents were asleep though and I certainly wasn’t going to wake one of them up just because I needed a hug.
There have been a few people who managed to make me feel I belonged in my life… but they are few and fleeting. I remember how once I left high school, I’d read about a certain friend’s life and he changed so much… Well, he was essentially the same; he just entered a more social world. A similar ache and sadness occurred at that time. I hadn’t been able to watch these changes in him and I had no way of sharing such things with him… And I felt lonely because of that.
It had been that way back when I started middle school too. All of my friends from elementary school were all changing and drifting away. They had cliques they needed to join, new friends to hang with. Their interests changed to things I couldn’t understand. In the end, while it was all alien to me… I just felt like the alien. Again… I was the outsider.
It doesn’t help that I’m not particularly interesting. I know I’m not. I lack the ability to follow many conversations as well…
But I’ll try. Nonetheless, it seems for naught. Even if a person does reply to me… it is all so distant. There is no connection and I feel loneliness.
I’m going to continue this little venture though. It won’t surprise me if it ends the same as my previous ones… but I’ll just try until my will dwindles down again and I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired. It is all I can do…