Well, this past Monday my sister visited. The night before I got to cleaning bed sheets, blankets and so forth. I spent the majority of the night doing such and went to sleep around the time my parents woke up. I was up to answer the door when my sister dropped by. It was around two.
I finished up my chores then and my dad then came home around three. The rest of the time was just a blur really. I kept to myself and my dad took my sister out two times for reasons I still am not quite sure about.
Around four fifteen we all got in the car to pick up my mom then. We got her at four thirty-something and then headed back home. After getting refreshed all of us headed out to eat Mexican food. This is of course because my sister was here. It is pretty funny since the family ate Mexican three nights before on Friday.
Well, we all ate satisfying meals and then headed back for home.
The rest of the night is a blur again… I know my mom and I watched some television. I have no idea what my sister was up to. What happened after that, I am not sure… I might have gone to sleep, I might have done chores… Who knows?
Well, Tuesday I was out of it. I never even saw my sister. She was gone before I was up again. I really don’t remember much of it.
Wednesday was bloody busy though. My mom had off for work yesterday. So… I got up around seven thirty, fed the cats, ate breakfast and did what chores I could get done, done.  Mom woke up not too long after. After she got all her things done, she took a shower and we started out day of errands.
First we dropped her dog off at the groomers. After that we headed to Home Depot to get some plant covers for cold weather. We then headed to the outlet mall where they were having a sale. We arrived five minutes before the doors opened, so we waited a while. Upon entering she got to work selecting shoes for the change of weather to come along. I merely wandered.
Well, she got her shoes, so we headed across the street then to get dog things to prepare for the puppy coming in next week. We got some chew toys, hair care products, food dishes and a new comb for the cats. They didn’t have the puppy food we were looking for, however.
Well, after that, I believe we stopped by Walgreens. She went there to stock up on candy. She gets a ton of candy to take to work. She doesn’t eat it, but her “kids” do. Her co-workers do as well.
When that was completed, I think we went to the Crafts store then. We went there to get fake flowers to turn into bouquets. This Thanksgiving holiday well will take a day out to visit my grandparents’ graves.
When that was done we then headed to s small grocery store to pick up some supplies for Thursday’s meal. We needed rice, chips, dip and to get some coffee creamer for my dad since he was running out. It was a rather easy task.
Around then it was twelve. We decided to stop back at home, unload our purchases and let the other dog, Auggie, out. Mom also needed to get a checkbook to make a deposit later. So, while she did her thing, I put the things hauled in up or at least in order and got a drink of water.
When all was set, we headed out again. This time we stopped at a different pet store. They had the food. It took a while to find, but we got it. There was also the need for birdseed, so four large bags of animal food was in order.
With that taken care of, we headed out further, this time to take a break and eat lunch. It was pretty cool. I got a smoothie and a turkey sandwich while my mom got tea and a veggie sandwich.
What wasn’t cool as the bee that was next to us. While waiting on our food, I asked for a plastic cup and with it I entrapped the bee. Sadly, I had trouble in the plan after that. I tried using a napkin as a shield, but that didn’t work to well. A worker there kindly handed over a piece of paper for an ad. I still struggled until the girl helped out. In the end, the bee was placed back outside and my mom and I were able to eat in peace.
With that breather, we headed out once more. We stopped at a bank on the way back and my mom made her deposit.
With those things done, we went back home. I got to work on the fake flowers, turning them into arrangements decent enough to put on my grandparents graves. While I did that my mom got her dog and eventually took him to the vet for a check up. I finished the task around the time she returned. She thought they turned out great. I asked about her dog and he seems to be all good, but he could still have healthier ears.
Well, I vacuumed then and finally had to rest for a moment. My cat was in my room and on the bed, so I plunked on down and petted him until my mom was ready to head out again. We were off to pick up tomorrow night’s meal. We had ordered some tamales. Yes, that was to be our meal on Thursday.
It was after that did I begin to drift off. Mom stopped by a shop to pick up some scones and then headed to deal with something about her glasses.
We got back home at five and by then I deemed it time to get in a nap. I hit the bed and slept until seven-thirty. After hugging my dad, my mom had me join her to watch TV the rest of the time. I’m not sure when I went to bed again.
Thursday I woke up at seven. I fed the cats, ate breakfast and then dusted the living room. Mom woke up then and I headed on to her room. Since the bed was unmade I only dusted half of the room.
Mom eventually settled back into bed to read and spend time with her dog. So, I got onto a project I had been meaning to do for a while. I pulled a chair out of the way and worked on dusting and reorganizing a forgotten bookcase. Boy that was dusty. I got it all in order though.
After that my mom got up and wanted me to help her with covering the plants with the covers we got the day before. I obliged. When it was all done and settled, I headed back in and finished up the rest of the dusting since the bed was finally made and I could put things on it. After that, I took a shower to get all the dust off me.
I felt pretty out of it all day… so everything is basically a blur. I know I stayed up well enough, but that I rested and at times might have dozed briefly. Well, when I finally decided to take a nap, my mom comes along to tell me dinner was ready. It was three thirty in the afternoon. Sigh.
I got up, ate three cheese tamales and some rice. This isn’t our official Thanksgiving dinner mind you. We will be doing that on Sunday. Since the entire family is unable to come today, that was the decision. So, my eldest brother and his girlfriend will come along then and we’ll get all traditional.
Still, it is pretty nuts if you ask me. We had three big meals of Mexican food for a week. Hello variety at its finest?
Anyway, after eating, I cleaned up what I could and come five o’clock I finally got in some sleep. Yes, I still felt less than wonderful even then. So… I slept from then until around nine thirty or so. Pretty much I woke up around the time my mom went to bed.
Well… I took a shower, at the left over rice from dinner and cleaned up the dishes that piled up in the sink during my sleep fest. After meandering on the internet for a while, I decided it was high time to record all of this down.
This isn’t the end of it though. Tomorrow my mom, dad and I will be heading off to the cemetery that holds my grandparents. It is about two… maybe three hours or so away. Yep, the bouquets I worked on Wednesday afternoon shall be put to use tomorrow. My mom thinks we’ll be leaving at ten.
Saturday will be cooking and preparation day. Food will be put into the first stages of preparations and the house will be cleaned, all in the sake of having guests over for family time. We’ll likely be having turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls and who know what the other stuff will be?
Sunday will of course be the big day. My brother and his girlfriend will be over. My sister can’t make it. She couldn’t make it on Thursday and she won’t be able to make it on Sunday… She might come by on Monday though. I really have no idea.
Next month will start of quite busy as well. On the second we’ll be going on our hair expedition and the next day we’ll be welcoming the new puppy…

Oh lord… Vacation time my foot!

Well, around the beginning of this month my mom had spoken of wanting a chocolate lab. What spurred this on was seeing one at the vet when she took her dog in. Well, my dad has a colleague at work who knew a guy whose yellow lab recently had a litter of puppies. She had all colors… yellow, brown and black.
Anyway, this past Sunday we went to see them. They were cute. Mom was taken by a plump chocolate boy with a black collar on. I had my share of puppies coming to me… certain ones… there was the oldest, a chubby black lab who seemed to like me a great deal, and a pair of chocolates… a little sister and brother. I took to the brother. He was small and liked to tug on my shoe laces.
Well, despite my mom’s adoration of the older and bigger of the chocolates, she ended up getting the one I was fond of. She says so far I’ve been a good judge of animals. I warned her I’ve only selected cats, so it was still a gamble and that she should pick the one that she likes. After all, it will be her dog. There is chemistry and all of that to consider. The animal that calls to you the most is the best bet to go for, I say. She still said she trusted my judgment. Meh.
Well, she put in a check for him and we’ll be able to bring him home one the second of December when he is old enough to leave his mother. I’m relatively leery. We already have two big dogs in this house and they can be hard to navigate through at times. It is all good and fine when the pup is still a baby… but when he gets bigger… oh, that leaves me groaning at the concept. I can only hope my mom will train him well.
She’s named him McArthur. I could be wrong on the spelling though… It could be MacArthur. She intends to call him Macky. Heh. His full name made me groan. MacArthur of Mocha Persuasion is what she decided. She told me the excuse… pedigrees have “exotic” names. I say big, fat, hairy deal. That name is not justifiable. Heh.
Oh, well… her dog.
Sigh…
Another dog. It would be so much better if we had more room and a bigger backyard…

While dusting today I recalled last night. Mom and I were watching television as usual and in one scene a young detective was trying to work a suspect in the interrogation room. Serious and uptight, the suspect constantly goaded him because of that seriousness and in turn was amused by his ever so serious responses because it was obvious he was just becoming more infuriated
Seeing that, I thought, “I was likely played like that when in school.” Serious, uptight and paranoid… yeah, I fit the role well. With how others teased me… my anger and serious ways likely just amused them all the more. Oh, well.
Anyway, that led to another discovery I made a while back. My “peers” likely also saw me as a psycho. I had never thought of that possibility, but apparently… yeah… I think I likely was relatively psychotic back then as well. Despite knowing this, I find I wouldn’t change that.
If there is any truth I have come to believe in, it is the sincerity of emotions. I believe I should never regret those because they were how I truly felt at the time. Emotions don’t lie… only our perceptions of them and whatever reasons we create for their presence at the time can be.
I also don’t regret because in that, I had met Kyle. During that time I was hurting a great deal and from that hurt came the psychotic ways. Despite that, he was my friend.
We don’t see each other much anymore. We haven’t seen ach other in person for five years and around seven months. We kept contact over the internet though, but even that is dwindling. Despite that, I’m sure if he ever changes emails, he will let me know. I trust him, I believe.
Trust means a lot to me.
Despite the absence, the fact that we never lost a connection that says, “you can still find me whenever necessary” is what sealed the deal. I can’t recall if it was a promise or not, but he said he would be there always. I was uncertain of that five years ago. Now… I think I believe it completely.
The uncertainty back then? He knows why it was there. Times before with friends… such promises were empty. There was always separation. I expected in due time… be it months to years… he’d disappear like all the others. He hasn’t though. Every once in a while he sends signs of life. It is comforting.
Somewhere in the time frame of my dusting this morning a thought crossed my mind. I made a silent promise to myself once. I’d never try to kill myself again as long as someone needed me to remain on this earth. That came along after thinking how… if it wasn’t for Kyle, I actually wouldn’t be here today.
Anyway, I thought, “If I ever fall back to such desperation again… I‘ll make sure to contact him. I‘ll ask him, ‘Do you still need me around?’” Well, it would be something like that, anyway. I realized I decided that because I do believe his word. I believe that even in the far future, decades by now… I’ll still be able to contact him. I trust his word. It astounds me a bit… but it makes me happy.
I never thought such was possible.
Even though we don’t see each other much… I realize now that Kyle gives me hope.

I remember when in middle school I made up something called a “Dreamscape”. It was around the time I had just started learning about web page making in the simplest sense. I drew rather sketchy things at the time… I was in seventh grade maybe? Those sketches were a strange people… they were similar to us, but their skin was black as ink and their hair was of primary and secondary colors… none of those in between shades. You couldn’t see any features upon their faces either… no noses, no mouths… You could see their eyes though. It didn’t matter if they were smiling, scowling or something else. You’d never know. I made a crap-tacular website for amusement and scanned the pictures into my computer. After coloring them in a paint program I’d put them up.
I don’t know why I did that, but I think I wanted to make a world of human-like beings that didn’t make my life hell. That, or I was just bored. They had small descriptions. One was an inseparable pair. They were always together, joined at the hip and if one left for the simplest thing, like say nature calling, the one left outside the door would think the world was ending. Remembering that, I smile. I guess that was why they were made. They amused me.
Well, in the thought of that vague, shortly lived world… I thought of now. I realized something tonight. Though I had made that little world where things seemed a whole lot better to me… I look at my life right now and I think, “I achieved that now.”
Yeah, the life I live now and the world created then are nothing alike… but they are still the same idea: Inner Peace.

Summer of year 1995.

No, not the super hero. This morning, my cat finally caught one of the mice that have been plaguing our cabinets. Well, it might have been only one, but you never know. I was passing by him as he sat under the rocking chair and noticed a long, thick string. Thinking he might have been playing with a rubber band again, I checked. He had a mouse in his clutches!
Atticus wouldn’t give it up either. He was growling and snarling at it even though it was obviously dead. My mom, she hates rodents. I called her over urgently since she was the most disturbed by the “little visitor”. She was happy. I am meanwhile proud of my little boy.
It took a good long while for him to give it up though. We assume he was making sure it was good and dead. He was growling and snarling all the way. Well, when he finally let go, I scooped him up so my mom could dispose of the mouse without worry that my cat would try to run off with it again.
I find it rather interesting though… the cats I have gotten so far are the only ones who really have been mice chasers. My purebred Chinchilla Persian had been the one to chase that huge rat that my mom freaked out like mad about. Now my Siamese/Color-point made a kill. Despite that, we have to ally cats in the house and my mom’s purebreds as well. While I know one of our alley cats chased and killed mice in his younger years, he is quite old now and likely wouldn’t do such anymore. The other three… last time they cornered a mouse it was all of them together and they had no idea what to do with it. They just surrounded it out of curiosity. So yeah, I am proud of my cat. He still has instincts.
I do feel sorry for the mouse though. ‘Shame we couldn’t get rid of it and have it still possess its life… I mean, it was just hungry. Still, though… passing of parasites and it was likely full of contaminators…
Oh, well.
As for the lack of updates for a bloody long time… I’ve had nothing much to write about.
Other recent news… Eileen sent a reply email to me recently. Despite she still has problems galore, thus news about her life is not a joyful note… I am very glad to hear from her even if it should only be once a year.

My great aunt died just recently. My mom and I found out last night. She woke me up to tell me. Now all the people who remembered my mother as a child are gone. Now my great aunt who was like a grandmother to me is gone.

Sigh.

I dislike funerals as I dislike weddings. I’m going though because ti is her. Learning from Uncle Benny’s funeral, though… I don’t think I’ll approach the casket. I don’t think I could handle it.

Sigh.

It was around the time I was in seventh grade. It might have even been the end of my sixth grade year. Perhaps it was the summer in between. I just remember it was somewhere within that period of my life. I was writing really crappy poetry then and it might have been before or after “Crawling” by Linkin Park came out. I think it was before the incident with Kennedy that led to my first experience of suicidal thoughts in my seventh grade year. Again, I can’t really pin point. Either way, it happened around ten to eleven years ago… so the memory is a bit foggy.
I’m pretty sure I wrote it all down that day or not long after, but that copy was lost. I think it was kept in the web journal I had before this one… unfortunately all of that writing was lost when the server died. In any case, I realized that I had no written account of that “experience” tonight. Therefore I can only try to piece what I do recall together to the best of my abilities.
I was at my grandmother’s house. My grandmother had passed some years before, but I still called it her house and still often do now. My mom and I would often make trips down there. Sometimes my other siblings would be there. I was in really bad shape at the time… I realize now.
It was a normal day, I believe… it was sunny out. The others might have been out. For some reason I was in the room my eldest brother always used. I’m not sure if he was there that time; that might explain my being in there is that he wasn’t and thus I was using the room. Well, in any case I was in there.
Back then there was a small television set and a chair. The chair could spin around. I was sitting in it for some reason or another. I suppose at the time I was lazing about.
Before I knew it though everything went black. I was somewhere else entirely. I was quite coherent as well, wondering how the hell I got there, where was I and so forth. I am not strong in my sensory memory, but I do recall it was like a concrete cellar. It was gray, cold, damp and there was a pungent smell. Like ghostly whispers the dimmest rays of light filtered about, but more like dust rather than light.
The word dank comes to mind… dirty water soaking through the ceiling… green mold growing about corners. I don’t think there were any windows and I am not sure if there was even a way out. I can’t recall if I even wondered how to get out.
If I didn’t, I believe it was due to what I heard. I heard faint breathing and I’m pretty sure I heard the clinking of chains. Straining my eyes, my vision finally adjusted enough to see the outline of a figure ahead.
I went closer. As my vision became better, I began to make out a gray, sickly, emaciated person hung by chains. Manacles, a collar… they tethered the skeletal body to the wall before me. The bones jutted out, the shadows clung to the hollowness of the person.
His head was bent. The chin was most likely touching his chest… It was just hanging limply there. The dark hair was about shoulder length. It was thin, tangled, dirty… It was more like moss, but greasy, clumped and just as limp as the figure.
I recall feeling pity for the poor soul right then.
Then in a blink of an eye the person’s head snapped up. I don’t remember seeing the face… not as a whole. I just knew the features were deeply sunken in. The cheekbones were like caves. The skin was stretched tightly about the skull and the eyes were sunk deep within their sockets. I didn’t notice those so much. I did not notice because within that second I was staring straight into his eyes.
They were wide with blind terror. They were mad. They were brown. They made me realize that I was staring right into my own eyes. This imprisoned, deranged, pitiable creature was me!
The end all seemed to happen in a second. With that overload, I found I couldn’t breath. I jerked forward harshly. With that motion I found myself back in the bedroom and in the chair…
It wasn’t over there though.
I was struggling to breathe. I was gasping for air and wheezing like I sometimes do when under great distress. My heart was pounding furiously, I could hear it pounding through my head and I could feel the muscled organ beating in my chest. I was sweating as thought I had run a mile and my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I think… I might have even been crying.
I think back then I had compared myself to a frightened rabbit. I also believe at the time I never had been so scared in my life. Those are just feelings I am having right now, however and not lucid recollections.
At that time and to this day I do not know how long I was shaken like that. I do recall trying to stop myself from trembling so harshly though. As I caught my breath more and my pulse began to slow a bit, I finally got a hold of myself and began rubbing my hands roughly up and down my arms to try to compose myself. I wanted my body to stop shaking. I needed to calm down. Thus I focused on that.
When everything did calm down… my breathing, my heart rate and my muscles… I just rested there. I was tired. I’m not sure if that was one of those moments where I felt sick and in need of water, but looking at it… it might have been one of those times.
I’d sometimes get sick from emotional roller coasters like that one. I vaguely recall I used to describe those moments as feeling like a dry leaf curling, withering in an relentless heat of a dying autumn or the deepest depths of hell. I guess that was my version of “I feel like shit.”
I’d always want water at some point during those. I’d feel ill… my stomach would feel gross… So I often just thought, “Water.” If that is how I felt after that, I’m pretty sure that is what caused me to stand up after a while. I did get up once the sweat was dry. Then I trudged tiredly to the door and opened it. As I turned to shut it three words echoed through my mind. Those I still remember distinctly. Sometimes I wonder if I heard it in my mind though. Perhaps it was something deeper. I just remember it sent a feeling through me. It wasn’t cold… but I do know it had this solemn, final tone. The words were, “You are broken.”
I left the room then.
I don’t remember what happened after that. I do know I wondered often if what happened was a dream. I just had trouble believing it was a dream though. It was so real. I have dreams that feel bloody real, but that one… that one wasn’t like the realistic dreams I have. A more insane part of me wondered if I slipped into another place somehow for a brief moment. Another part figures it was a hallucination. Back then I called it a vision though.
I thought… that I got a glimpse of my soul that day. My soul was dying. That is what I took it all to mean. My soul was dying. My spirit was broken. It was chained, forgotten and I didn’t even recognize it. In this… I also realized sometime later… I had no idea who I was. I lost myself. If I died… I would die unknown. I would die unknown because no one really knew who I was… not even myself.
Yes… That was me a decade ago. Why did this memory come up? My mom and brother were talking about dreams, hallucinations and ghosts. I cannot remember the order or how the window opened up to that specific memory… but I told it. I thought I told my mother it before, but she swore I never did. She thinks that back then I apparently had more going on than just my bipolar. She also thinks I was having a moment of disassociation.
On the ride back, she noted that what I talked about made me sound like I underwent something traumatic in my past. I don’t remember. I don’t remember most of my childhood anymore. I don’t really care either.
Anyway, I just thought I’d write it out. I have it somewhat mentioned in a story I wrote, but not detailed or in the way I had experienced it.

That is all.

Let us see… A week ago, I finished up my physical by giving blood work. Fasting twelve hours before that, my mom and I stopped at IHOP’s to eat. We did some errands too… I cannot quite remember all of them. I do know we did get flowers to put on my grandparents’ graves though.
Last Thursday I had my appointment with the specialist. By his word I don’t have to have any tests run. Yay. Instead he suggested I take this concoction-like drink three times a day. I’ve been doing that since Friday… I seem fine. My side still has twinges, but I’m able to eat normal food. Also, we got a call back about the blood tests. My cholesterol could still be better. The doctor says for me to avoid sweets again. I don’t even eat sweets and when I do it is on a very rare occasion. I don’t know what else he really expects of me. It is just nuts. I figure this cholesterol thing is a genetic thing, really. Other than that, I am fine.
Friday my parents and I went to the cemetery where my grandparents rest. On the trip we stopped for lunch first though. We ate at Abuelo’s and after a three, maybe four, hour trip, we reached the cemetery. My parents put flowers in front of Grandma and Grandpa’s tombstone. I meanwhile put the ones for my mother’s baby brother in.
After that we walked around, visited the site for our cousins’ elders and then just looked about the cemetery. Mom pointed out plots that held teachers she had when in elementary school and others she was aware of. When that was done we headed for home.
Saturday was pretty normal for me. My diet has changed a bit more as well. It has been a year since the ulcer diet started, so now I’ve added in some cooked vegetables and am working back to eating grains again. It has been working out fine.
Sunday I don’t remember much and Monday I was tired for some reason that I slept pretty much all day. I didn’t even see my parents that evening. Tuesday I managed to stay up most of the day.
All throughout this, I picked up some web crunching again and have added onto a site I hadn’t worked on for likely three-fourths of a year. It is pretty packed before I added more, but there is much to cover. Well, perhaps not really, but this is me… I’m extensive.
Well, other than that, nothing else comes to mind. that is all.

In the first week of March I began having abdominal problems. By the weekend there was immense pain. My mom looked up various possibilities and in the end I began a liquid diet. Ensure, broth, Gatorade and water was my nourishment. I wound up sleeping my life away for a while due to no energy.
Off and on I’d encounter discomfort to pain. Since I was out of it most of the time, I cannot really keep track of what days those were… Everything just melded together. I think it was the second week I was able to have pureed soup. I was bloody grateful. That weekend I had another bad bout of pain, however.
On the 16th I had considerable pain that went across almost all my abdomen and my lower back. It started after drinking a cup of soy milk. The pain lasted for two hours. My mom finally decided to make an appointment to see the doctor. Two in a half hours later we went.
Exhausted, I wound up falling asleep. Our appointment was delayed due to many patients coming in. We saw him at five.
Nothing could really be done. He checked me out, asked questions and eventually there was a suggestion to see a specialist that dealt with intestinal problems. We decided to see how things went and would check him out when spring break was over, since he was out of town for vacation.
Well, the rest of the week I wound up doing fine.
Sunday did cause slight problems… again what preceded it was a cup of soy milk after avoiding it since Tuesday. Mom decided I should keep avoiding it. After that, there was no problems.
Yesterday my mom and I had our physicals. My heart rate is fine and all that jazz. During this whole liquid diet thing, I’ve lost five pounds though. Bah. How annoying. The doctor checked me out as usual and we mentioned about the second episode and the soy milk.
It is just a theory, but they wondered if I was allergic to protein… This was brought on when it was noted that I’ve never really liked it. It is true. I have never liked eating meat. The only time I eat it is when I crave it and that is usually well cooked bacon, lean chicken or beef jerky… I usually require it to be a bit dry too. Any other meat I’ve tried either immediately makes me want to hurl or eventually does… even said chicken has done such on rare occasions.
So, there is a theory… it will likely be brought up when I see the specialist. I won’t be seeing him until a week from now though. Still, I’m doing okay so far.
This passed Sunday I tried eating a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. There was only a paper thin amount of peanut butter, but it gave me no issues. Since then once a day I’ve been eating a soft, solid food… basically a peanut butter sandwich. I’ve been just fine.
Oh, yeah… I got my tetanus shot yesterday as well. I was apparently overdue. Every time I get a shot it always reminds me of how I got them so often as a child. To my fortune I am apathetic about getting them. I feel sorry for those who fear them.
Anything else? No idea. I don’t really care either. I seem to be very apathetic now. I just thought I’d write this all out so I’d have something of a time line and record to relay to the doctor next week. Bah.